Head and Heart

Hey there y'all. How are you? I'm afraid I don't have many deep thoughts or words for you today, I just felt like I needed to talk...er type. So here I am. Typing away. Meaningless words on a meaningless page. Unless, of course, any of these words have ever served to bring hope to someone, to bring life, to bring joy, comfort, wisdom, inspiration, or in any way stimulate somebody's brain. Then it wouldn't have been a complete waste.
You see, I'm realizing something. I'm realizing that the world is not all about me. I mean, I've always known that. But there's a big difference between head-knowledge and our actions. Knowing and saying one thing, and yet doing another, even subconsciously. And I'm afraid I have struggled in this area. I'm the type that likes to say they know all the answers: like how I'm supposed to live, how I'm supposed to act, how I'm supposed to treat others, and how I'm supposed to handle certain situations, etc... But there comes a point when you have to sit there and look at yourself, really look at yourself. A point where you have to ask yourself: am I really living this out? Not just in "word and speech" but in "actions and in truth" as 1 John 3:18 says. Is everything you've always heard and known really who you are?
And a lot of the times for me, the answer is no.
I didn't realize this about myself till recently; but for a long time there was a disconnect between my head and my heart. What I knew up there and what I really felt and did deep down. I've often lived out my christianity and life based upon feelings instead of truth. And that is an incredibely dangerous thing to do. As Jeremaiah 17:9 says: "The heart is decietfully wicked above all things. Who can know it?" We can't live by our hearts. We can not let our emotions, feelings, and circumstances direct how we live. Never should we let something that happens around us, that affects our feelings, have any affect on our relationship with God or others. That is just immaturity and selfishness. Too often we blame our problems on God and when something good happens we call it "luck." Too often when we are having a rough time of things we shut down to everyone around us; neither helping them nor letting them help us. This all is simply selfishness that only serves to hurt us in the long run. For a person made of walls will never be able to let anyone in, nor will they be able to get themselves out.
You see, I went to a camp last week that changed my life. Now this isn't your normal run of the mill summer camp. This is an intense-learning-experience-truly-digging-into-the-things-of-God type camp. There were about 6+ hours of straight up teaching by different leaders every day. I believe there was something like 23 hours in all. And then added to that is worship times, quiet times, and different learning experiences throughout the week. I mean this camp was intense. The type of intenisity that I just love. :) But anyway, on the last night the speaker was teaching on the story of Elija and Elisha. And how when they first met, Elisha burned and cooked all his oxen before following Elija. Those oxen were his whole livlihood: everything he had to live on. And also everything he had to go back to if he decided to stop following Elija. The speaker went on to talk about if we are going to truly follow Christ with all of ourselves, we have to burn every part of our past life that is holding us back. Burn every sin that gets at us most, that calls us back out of Christ's arms. He then called everyone that wanted to up in a line at the front and gave us each a microphone in turn to say the thing, or several things, we were burning: for there is healing in confession among the body. Almost the whole camp went up to the front. It was amazing. Deliverence was rampant. We each lined up in turn and gave over our struggles to Jesus. Burned our past sins and gave up our lives to the will of our creator. It was beautiful. My life was changed. I realized the main thing that was holding me back. I'm not going to say it on here but it was a subconscious thing; a driving force in my life I didn't even consciously realize was there. And I took that thing, and I burned it. Right there, in front of everybody. There is no turning back. I have given it to Jesus, and I don't ever want to live that way again.
So anyway, sorry for the side-tracking-bunny-trail. I just had to get that out of my system. I feel like telling the whole world :) But anyway, my point. Here it is: I didn't feel anything when I burned it. Some people felt a weight being lifted off their backs etc... But I felt nothing, and here's why: God was showing me that this was not just some feel-good emotional camp high. Not just another thing that felt good in my heart. No, this was a conscious descision I was making to live differently. To give my struggles over to God and to not live the christian walk by "feelings" anymore. And I belive I have truly come away different. Truly changed. I have gained some precious wisdom that I shall keep for the rest of my life. I realize now that it doesn't matter what happens in my life: my dog dies, a close friend leaves, somebody breaks up with me, I feel depressed, hurt, abondoned, rejected, etc.. It doesn't matter! I am still alive to live for the glory of God and declare His praises all the days of my life. I am still here to fellowship with others and be a light to the world. I am still alive to love. To love God and people. And no circumstance or feeling can ever change that. I have a purpose in Christ. And no power, no principality, not even death can stop me now. I have God. And He is stronger even then the grave.

Amen.

So be it.