A post for you [a boy I once knew]

I've been thinking about you more often lately.

I'm not sure why. For a while there my head was a clear as the sky and my heart as free as a bird.
But lately fate has seen fit to return me to those seemingly forgotten memories that were actually just stored up in the back of my head.

It's not so much painful longing as it used to be. In the days when my heart still felt as though it were chained to yours, a long ways away, yet constantly yanking my thoughts and tugging on my emotion, weighing me down.

No, now it's more like... a thoughtful mulling, dull wishing, uncertainly remembering, detatched sadness, thoughtful reminiscing, I can't quite pin the word. It's like it's not so much that it hurts to remember, because it doesn't... Well ok, that's a lie. Sometimes it still hurts. But not like it did... No, it's more like acceptance of what has passed, mixed with slight sadness that it's all over, mixed with happy memories, mixed with uncertainty of what lies ahead...

That was terrible. I've never been so at a loss to describe how I feel.

...I'm not gonna post this. This will stay a draft of thoughts. Like a letter never sent. Yes, that's what this shall be.

So how are you? Are you happy, safe, well, comfortable, ... loved by someone new?

Pshh, who am I kidding. Of course you're loved by someone new, probably several. Probably even several you don't even know about.

... I was thinking about you today. Mostly because I saw someone that looked very similar to you.... except he had a mustache ...

. . . don't grow a mustache.

Anyway, he did the same thing with his mouth as you do sometimes. Turning his lips in and pressing them together as he walked. I guess I never really consciously noticed that about you...but here I am recalling it whilst staring at a stranger. I notice strange things...

I can't help but wonder how you would treat me if you saw me now. I mean, if you saw me tomorrow, would you talk to me? Would you be awkward around me? Would you come up and joke as if nothing had ever happened? I think that's the thing I would prefer least. I'd rather you'd ignore me than that...that way at least I know you still acknowledge what happened between us and that you still think about it. That you haven't completely written off the small mark I made in the story of your life...

Do you ever think about me? Do you ever see a girl that reminds you of me and are momentarily saddened with an onslaught of memories? That happens to me sometimes... Are you ever reminded of my existence? Do you ever pause and give me thought? Are you ever ladened with memories of my laugh, my eyes, my voice, or the feel of my body relaxing into your arms?

Achlghg. Who am I kidding. If you were ladened with memories of past girls you've been with you'd have a thousand moments saddening you a day. And you are so full of life and fun, you must have learned somehow to extirpate yourself of those things. You were probably completely rid of my presence in your head the week afterwards... after that night...

... were you?

are you?

Do you ever remember?

Long?


Feel?

ahdkahjsd. I carry too much hope.