So many thoughts...

Lots of thoughts lately....lots of thoughts. Can't quite put the right words to them yet, but there will be some blog posts when I can. For now, a preview of some of them:

She's older than me, yet somehow I know I'm more mature...I'm better for you. Better influence...but isn't that just me being way prideful? Aren't these thoughts bad in the first place?

what happened to me? What happened to us? Is it all about her now?

God? Do you care?

Of course he cares.

Some of my deepest feelings are of anger at injustice and protecting those I love...why? what does that mean? what does anything mean?

God. God is the answer. Love. God is Love. Love is the answer.

Why is it so hard to love?

How do I feel like I know so much and know so little at the same time?

Is it bad that I'm secretly happy whenever I here debates between christianity and other religions cause I know I'm right. Cause I know that my side will allways win in the end. Or is that being prideful as well?

Is it out of love? no, but I'm still happy i'm right.
I like being right...

thats selfeshness
selfeshness is wrong, love is right

Where is the worship of you God?

Can't they see what they're missing? The chance is right in front of them, why don't they take it?

Where is the worship of you?

Why am I judging them instead of focusing on worship?

Why do we look at the world as centered around us? Why Sin nature? Why sin?

Darn you satan.

...stupid snake...

Why is it so hard to act without thinking of what others will think of you?

Why are we wired that way?

Why fear?

So many questions.

So yeah, you see why I don't have words. The End.

What is it?

First it starts softly
And you don't know it's happening

Then it gets bigger,
harder, faster,
not stopping

Then you see patches
of bright color on the ground

till it covers everything
in sight all around

It continues its pace
Sometimes harder
Sometimes not

Sometimes it look happy
Sometimes distraught

Now forceful
Now lazy

Now angry
Now hazy

Now it's just a wish..
Oh wait! It came back!

Now it's dancing
And it's hard to keep track

Oh, now it's beautiful!
Steady and slow

Building and packing
Continuing to grow

At night it turns blue
but it keeps on going

Gaining strength in the night
without you even knowing

It goes all night long
Yet in the morning
it's gone

All but the evidence
Piled up on the lawn.

Invisible

You don’t know me
You never did
You never took the time
To look inside my head

To look beyond my mask
of being normal and
blending in
You never tried to discover
The person I really am

You never got to know me
You never even cared
You never even saw me
You only saw my shield

And so you'll never discover
the friendship we could've had.
Or share my loyalty and caring heart
that I will always freely give.

And that is what your missing
every time that you ignore
my glances,
my stares,
my hoping eyes,
while you intently stare at the floor.

Back-tracking

You know, I talk about joy alot. I talk about choosing to be joyful in every situation and always being yourself and stuff like that. And you know what? For all my talk, my endless words, insights, and emotions, it's still just that; talk. You can talk all day. You can talk till you're blue. You can talk till the sun falls down. And you can talk till pigs start to fly, but it's still talk. And so I ask; where is the action?
For me, it was there. In my life, everyday. I made a choice to be joyful in all things. But you know what I found out? I found that is easy to choose to be joyful when the is nothing else to choose. English? It's easy to be joyful when your world is perfect. But what about when your world falls down? When it crashes down?
Like I said; it's easy to choose when there is no other choice.
When you're doing good, when life is sunshine, flowers, and puppies, there isn't a choice in the first place. And I'm just gonna yell at you if you're not rejoicing. You have so much to be thankful for!
But what about when there is actually a choice? When things aren't sunshine and flowers? When all you see are clouds with black linings? Those times happen. They happen to everybody. They happen to the cutter at your school and the perpetually-smiling homeschooler on your street. They come. And eventually we all have to face the choice. The choice of Joy. Unfortunately for so many they have no choice of Joy because they don't have the giver of all joy; God. He's the only thing that can lift you up off the ground when you fallen hard and your world's fallen around you. He's the only one who can dig through the rubble. He's the only true sun in your sky of black clouds. No matter how many people or things you think will work instead, they all disappear at the end. No matter how much you're sure they will complete your life; they wont. It all passes away. All except God. And I can't wait till that day. The day when this whole stupid earth will vanish and I am left alone with my God. My Groom. My Lord. My Redeemer. My Lover. Only then will I truly know Joy. The most aweful, terrible, wonderful joy there is. But for now, while I'm stuck on earth. I will find my joy in Him. And only Him. I know nothing else can satisfy me...ever. No matter how long or how hard I search. I will never find one like Him. And I know for sure and for certain that He's the one I want to save me when I'm down. You see, I've discovered something. I've discoevered that's its truly impossible to choose Joy on your own. You have to let God take over. He's the only way you'll ever get anywhere with that...or anything for that matter. Just give up. It's soooo much easier than trying to handle life on your own. I know that for sure. I know that every time I try to run my own life it falls apart. I know that God's my only saviour. So thats it. He's the joy. It's not you, you can't rule over it. ONly he can. So heres my new question; Will you let Him?

Times

I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you,
and its been so long

i long to feel you
i feel this need for you'
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?

oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done

are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh.

i hear you say
"my love is over,
its underneath
its inside
its in between

the times you doubt me,
when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned
'is this for real?'

the times you've broken,
the times that you mend
the times you hate me
and the times that you bend

well my love is over,
its underneath,
its inside,
its in between,

these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've
fallen from grace

the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry
and are tempted to steal

in times of confusion
and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow
under the weight of your shame

im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you
by my power alone

i dont care where you've fallen,
where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends,
it never ends

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Therapy: a somewhat poem.

Therapy

Therapy is
different
for every person
My therapy
consists of this:

God
Art
Music
Friends
Swinging
Dancing
Green grassy fields
The rain
The sun
The wind
Curling up
on the couch
with a movie
and popcorn.
Reading
Silence
Trying
Crying
Venting
Screaming
Tearing things up
Forgiving
Loving
Moving on
Sleeping
Laughing!

The End

Slow-motion

Do you ever have those days where it seems like everything is happening in slow motion? Where is seems like the world knows that you're not doing ok, so it tries to lord it over you by slowing everything down? I had one of those days today...
Everything went slow...super slow. I don't think I've ever experience an E.C.C day that went by so slowly, and I felt awful. Not that I was sick or something, but I was missing someone. I suppose I was sick; heartsick. It was one of those days where you finally get home and all you want to do is curl up in God's lap and just give it all to him. You just want to say, "I don't wanna deal with this anymore God, I'm tired of it, emotionally and physically. Take it away from me, take it all away."
Sometimes I just wish things would go back to the way they were. Back to the "good ole days". Though, I think everyone has "good ole days" that they wish would come back sometimes. It's far too easy to hate the situation you're in and wish for other times. Even the Israelites wished they were back in Egypt as slaves sometimes. But you have to remember, you always have to remember, that God has a plan. Gah, it's so hard to remember that sometimes! But He does. He has a plan, and a purpose. And our job is to learn to be thankful and rejoice in every situation. No matter what. No matter if we're wandering around the dessert with only tasteless manna to eat, or wandering around your school disgusted at the injustice, and missing someone to death. You have to stay strong, to stay in God; where all of our strength comes from.

Journaling

So recently I started a Journal. I call it "The Journal of Anna's insights and inspirations." ...Or at least that's its official name. Really all it is is me writing down all the ramblings and craziness of my head on paper. But since I firmly believe that all things deserve a proper name, I hath titled it. :)
What I figured I'd do is this; I'd write my brain down on all those empty pieces of paper in there and if I came across an entry that I like, I post it to my blog! So here are the ones I thought were good so far....


Ummm yeeeaaahh about that...turns out I don't have as many insightful poetic thoughts up there as I thought I did. lol Oh well, I have discovered something along the way anyway: It's really good/relaxing/edifying/therapeutic/and just plain nice to be able to get all your thoughts out onto a piece of paper. It's like slowly emptying out the jumbles so you can more easily find the Diamonds of knowledge that are stored away into some deep corner. I suppose it's somewhat like if you had the ability to clean out everything in your room you don't want or need, and store it all in a little book. Very convenient huh. Well anyway, that's how my journaling has been going so far. I really recommend it. So yeah, I guess that's all folks. :)

"The heart"

A heart breaks over the
silliest things...
relationships
rejection
injustice
loneliness
a world turned
upside down
for the lost
the least
for so many things
...maybe not so silly

A heart breaks
far to frequently...
for the lost
for the least
for the hurts
for the pain
for the loneliness and rejection
for this world
for the constancy
of injustice
it happens all the time...

A heart is all ways
under so much pressure
being twisted
and turned
screaming in pain
this way and that...
constantly bombarded
by emotions
feelings
choices.

Some choose to ignore it
yes some ignore
there very own heart
They lock it up
They swallow the key
and build
a ten foot wall
around it
made of brick.

But a heart neglected dies
it turns to stone
and a stone heart
is no heart at all.

Some take their heart
and wear it on their sleeve
handing it to every stranger
that happens to
pass them by
They give in to emotion
they live a life of
feeling
it controls them.

But a heart dies
when it is overused
ripped out
and put on a sleeve.

Some choose to live
through it
to do the motions
to bear their heart
but not be affected
they live life
not really ever
having lived
at all.

But a heart dies
when it is set in the motions
in the body
and not listened to.

And then their are the some
who make the choice
who choose to give
their heart away
they give it to God
who takes its breaking
who takes its twisting
who take its screaming
and holds it
softly
in His hands
forever
never
letting go.

And a heart given to God
is the very best thing,
for any heart,
of all.

Anna's pet peeves

Lately, different things have been frustrating to me. So, I thought I would have a nice vent by writing a blog post. So get ready to hear some of my pet peeves.

1. Things that don't make any sense like why these things are called "pet peeves" anyway.

2. People who think that saying the first letter of the cuss word instead of the word itself makes everything ok. Come on, you mean the same thing!!!

3. Fingernail-on-chalk-board sound or anything remotely like it.

4. People who try to act cool but aren't.

5. People who try to act cool by being mean to other people...this almost should be under the first one for me because it doesn't make any sense!

6. Injustice

7. People who laugh at your beliefs.

8. People who come over to you only to talk to the friend you're with and completely ignore you...really???

9. People who judge you before they really know you...I have to admit I have fallen under this category before...I'm not proud of it.

10.People who accuse you of things that are not true.

11. People who will talk to you around some people, but ignore you around others: aka two-faced people.

12. People who are jerks but are cute and make you like them anyway.

13. People who write abnormally long emails...ha ha I do this too

14. People who say one thing and do another aka Hypocrites

15. People who start too many sentences in a row with "People who".

16. When people argue just for the sake of arguing.

17. Arguing when you know for sure you are right but you can't seem to win.

18. Arguing when you know your wrong.

19. Those who act like they're your boss even when they're not...guilty again...

20. When things are not symmetrical

21. Cliques

22. Gossip

23. Those who belittle and tear down.

24. Egos

25. Pride/Snottiness/stuck-upness/jerkness

26. People who think they are perfect and know everything.

27. When you have all these thoughts in your head and when you try to say them they all disappear.

28. When you tell someone something a million times and they still don't remember/get it.

29. When things don't work the way I want them too: aka life.

30. ummmm I've been hit by a # 27...sooo that's all folks :)