There's nothing like a good hot shower after a good long cry.
Curled up in my closet with no light and only blankets and stuffed animals surrounding me. A few wet tissues are wadded in my hand. My face is sticky, my mouth tastes slimey, and my heart is full. Full of emotions both good and bad. Full of thoughts of how every human I've ever put my trust in has let me down, and yet also full of the knowledge that my Saviour, my God, will never let me down.
It's the type of mood I've been in for the majority of the past month or more. Oh of course I have my happy times; full of joy and pure gladness of heart. Pure moments of rejoicing at being the daughter and future bride of Christ.
Yet still, there's been an everpresent drepression seemingly waiting around every corner. It's a funny kind of depression though: almost coforatable. Just like how a slow cozy cry after a long hard day seems to be just what the doctor ordered.
I'll admit at times I do enjoy crying: it's familiar. Something I'm used to and comforatable with. The familiar ache in your heart that somehow reaches to your tear ducts. The warm feeling of letting your problems run down your face. The shining beauty of your eyes popping out from a red and white patterned face.
And yet, as much as this is familiar and comforting; I'm tired of it. I've been crying far too much lately. I feel like I'm twelve again, when hormones were raging and everything on earth made you either want to shout for joy or cry all day long.
It's not exactly the most enjoyable of feelings...
Oh sure, if you're a girl you can blame it on being the wrong time of the month...but at some point, you run out of that excuse; it becomes you just being "over emotional." So then you have to take up the point to hide your feelings.
Hence: crying alone in my closet; the best and worst feeling in the world. Total comfort, totally alone.
It's sure a good thing I have God to talk to in there, or else I'd be a goner: alone with no purpose and no reason to be alive. Not to mention no one who cared.
Ah well, the fact of the matter is, I do have God. He's with me, in the depths of the sea, in the mountain-tops, and alone in my dark closet. He's there, holding me, comforting me, giving me advice, and showing how He truly is the only one who will never let me down.
So yes, I may have been depressed for a while now. I may have been going through some major emotional roller coaster rides. I may have people letting me down every way I turn. But, I have God. I have the very person who created the cosmos in half a sentence who deeply cares about each of my petty needs. Who cares and takes the time to wipe every tear away. Who hears my pleas, and will answer them. He who is captivated by my eyes and loves every part of me with a passion. My fiance, He's in there with me. It doesn't matter what anyone says, or how badly anyone hurts me. God's got my heart.
Thank goodness.
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