I'm desperately inclined to do something rash today. And in efforts to reign myself in I figured a blog post could be considered an appropriate way to describe what I'm feeling while simultaniously getting my feelings out of my system...that is, provided nobody reads this. And to my knowledge, nobody does. So I consider this safe territory.
I'm inclined to rashness today for one reason. It's your last day here. You're leaving tomorrow. Leaving this city, leaving this state, leaving your friends, your family, and though I'm sure it's not prevalent on your mind, you're leaving me. Off to college you go sir. Starting a new life, a new chapter all your own where there won't be a single sign, a single mark, or a single thought of me anywhere in it. You're starting fresh.
And I'm stuck here.
I'm stuck in a world that seems to have ugly brown paint splotches screaming your name everywhere I turn. I revel to find one thing, one moment, where your name is not plastered over it. Reminding me of memories I don't want to remember. Hurting me. You get to move on, I get to wallow in misery. It reminds me of a song.
"I got time while you got freedom, cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even."
Now it's not all that bad I suppose. I do have my good days. The days where even though the reminders of you still lurk around every corner I can handle them. I can look on them without being totally depressed, or even on my best days, shrug them off completely. I have good times and I have bad times. This moment right now would probably be best described as a singularly bad time, if only because the reminders of you have now turned outward as well as inward. You're leaving, not only my heart now, but my world. You'll be completely gone...not that you practically weren't already. But even then I had the slightest possible hope that this time you might just show up, that this time I might get a fleeting glance. Maybe perchance a hello? My world used to balance on that slim chance.
Now it's completely gone.
You're completely gone.
Well tommorrow you will be...which would be the reason why today is inclining me to do something rash. A large part of me is desperately fighting to keep myself from grabbing the car keys, driving to your house without a license, banging on your door, falling at your feet and crying that I can't go on without you.
lol I know it sounds funny to read. Stupid, over-dramatic, cliche, over-emotional, silly and everything else... And I know I'd never actually do it but...
Something in my heart is still desperately pulling at me. I guess that's the funny thing about love (puppy-love though it may be) it makes you cling to the cliches. Things you would never have said before in your life because they sound so silly suddenly become the very best way to describe wht you're feeling. The dumbest lines in a poorly budgeted chick flick becomes the part of the movie that suddenly makes you bawl. Love, or whatever it is we fall into when we're young, surely does turn us into stupid creatures. lol
So that's where I'm at. Feeling stupid, over-emotional, clingy, and hopeless while at the same time feeling depressed, heart-achy, missing you to death, and rash.
I feel more bi-polar than a magnet. I probably am. Lately I've cried and laughed at the same time with equal intensity. I've hurted and healed equally in opposite directions. I honestly can't tell whether it's getting better with time or worse. Part of me feels like its healing while the other feels like it's dying.
But...perhaps that's just it. Perhaps when the part of my heart devoted to you has finally completely died of mistreatment and slow-torture, the rest of my heart will finally feel completely healed and whole. Living in a state of blissful ignorance of the pain that used to be there. Maybe a part of me has to die so that the rest can truly live. Maybe.
But before that part of me dies, I need to say some things. Things devoted to the boy will probably never read this...but if you do:
You're still the boy of my dreams...maybe in not so much that you're everything I dream that I want in the day-time. But that you still invade almost all my dreams at night. Whether I wish it so or not, you're still there. Everytime a different dream, but the same person: you.
I still wish you would come back. I'm all too ready to forgive and forget. Perhaps this is a bad thing? Probably...but as I'm in a rash mood of late most of me doesn't care. I still dream that maybe, in four months, or four years, you're going to show up at my door and tell me how you've tried, but you can't live without me.
I know it's probably not ever going to happen. But as I've stated I'm not very logical at the moment...
Yet, those aren't even the wildest ideas I've had. My biggest dream is that in the future, God is going to get a hold of your heart in a way like never before. And even though by that time you'll already have forgotten all about me, you're going to awaken in Christ in new and incredible ways. And then you'll be so on fire you'll be leading thousands upon thousands to Christ. And then of course you'll be invited to come back to our church to tell about how God is working in you. You'll graciously accept and I'll come just to hear you. You'll remember me in passing and say hi. An old smile will spread across my face and I'll say hi back. You'll ask how I've been, and slowly we'll rediscover the chemistry we once had. Except this time we'll do everything the right way, and God will be totally in favor of the whole thing. That is my wildest dream.
I must go now. I feel like the clock struck midnight a long time ago and my carraige has already turned into a pumpkin. I've said too much, and now I must flee. But I leave with you one glass slipper, and if you ever feel like finding me again, my foot will be the only one it fits.
I've always had tiny feet...
Adieu.
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