pick your poison

What do you do when you have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day?

Well...I'm not sure exactly. I guess write a blog post...

I'm afraid today was one of those days.

You know, where you spend one part crying, and the other part over-thinking, and the other part putting on too much make up to cover up your tears, and the last part trying to get over your depression by going outside into the beeatiful weather only to be driven back inside by thousands of mosquitoes.

Yeah.

It hasn't been the greatest of days.

And I'm afraid I don't have any encouraging words to tack on the end about how great my Jesus is and how He makes everything better for me all the time.

Today it wouldn't be real; my whole heart wouldn't be in it. And I don't want to write things that aren't real. I feel like that would be lying . . .

It's not that those things aren't true, just that it would be me uselessly spouting facts like a machine. But what can I say? We all have these days don't we?

It's also not that I'm going back to running my spiritual life off of feelings either. I still fully believe God is there, that He loves me, and that He can save and heal. And I will still follow Him whether I feel like it or not.

Just we don't always see the results, or feel His love. Some day we're in the valley of the shadow of death.

What counts is that you still choose to worship Him on those days. That you still declare His everlasting love even when you don't feel it.

But yeah, I guess today would be a valley. With shadows and death parading all around me.

It would be one of those days when you hate yourself.

Yeah I said it. I'm not going to sugar coat anything here in an attempt to make it seem like I never have any problems, never am self-conscious, never depressed. Because I do, and I am, often.

I've also learned something about myself lately: when troubles in life come at me, especially in the form of troubles with friendships and relationships, I can rarely ever get mad at or stay mad at a person for any longer than 24 hours.

No, for me, I just get hurt. Badly. And the hurt that's inflicted stays for days, weeks, even months sometimes. It's like instead of healing it just gets infected and grows worse. I talked to a friend about it, she said she's more of one to get angry and thought that was worse. But when I described how it works for me she thought about it and then said it was just like picking a different poision. And I guess that's true; anger, malicy, bitterness, hate, resentment, jealousy, or depression, hurt, pain, tears, self-pity, self-hatred, are all just different poisions. They all slowly work their way through our systems, eating away at us till we eventually die. Spiritually, emotionally, and even in some cases physically.

Now I'm not saying it's all anywhere near that bad, most of the time we can recover. It's just how long it takes...and how long we hold onto whatever ails us. I guess half the battle is learning to let go...and that's hard to do.

So yeah... that's where I am. Just a lot going on with friends ...(or lack of them) and still struggling to get over the boy that broke my heart.

yeah....anyway, I guess I could use a lot of prayer.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Farewell.