He who wipes away every tear...

There's nothing like a good hot shower after a good long cry.

Curled up in my closet with no light and only blankets and stuffed animals surrounding me. A few wet tissues are wadded in my hand. My face is sticky, my mouth tastes slimey, and my heart is full. Full of emotions both good and bad. Full of thoughts of how every human I've ever put my trust in has let me down, and yet also full of the knowledge that my Saviour, my God, will never let me down.

It's the type of mood I've been in for the majority of the past month or more. Oh of course I have my happy times; full of joy and pure gladness of heart. Pure moments of rejoicing at being the daughter and future bride of Christ.

Yet still, there's been an everpresent drepression seemingly waiting around every corner. It's a funny kind of depression though: almost coforatable. Just like how a slow cozy cry after a long hard day seems to be just what the doctor ordered.

I'll admit at times I do enjoy crying: it's familiar. Something I'm used to and comforatable with. The familiar ache in your heart that somehow reaches to your tear ducts. The warm feeling of letting your problems run down your face. The shining beauty of your eyes popping out from a red and white patterned face.

And yet, as much as this is familiar and comforting; I'm tired of it. I've been crying far too much lately. I feel like I'm twelve again, when hormones were raging and everything on earth made you either want to shout for joy or cry all day long.
It's not exactly the most enjoyable of feelings...

Oh sure, if you're a girl you can blame it on being the wrong time of the month...but at some point, you run out of that excuse; it becomes you just being "over emotional." So then you have to take up the point to hide your feelings.

Hence: crying alone in my closet; the best and worst feeling in the world. Total comfort, totally alone.

It's sure a good thing I have God to talk to in there, or else I'd be a goner: alone with no purpose and no reason to be alive. Not to mention no one who cared.

Ah well, the fact of the matter is, I do have God. He's with me, in the depths of the sea, in the mountain-tops, and alone in my dark closet. He's there, holding me, comforting me, giving me advice, and showing how He truly is the only one who will never let me down.

So yes, I may have been depressed for a while now. I may have been going through some major emotional roller coaster rides. I may have people letting me down every way I turn. But, I have God. I have the very person who created the cosmos in half a sentence who deeply cares about each of my petty needs. Who cares and takes the time to wipe every tear away. Who hears my pleas, and will answer them. He who is captivated by my eyes and loves every part of me with a passion. My fiance, He's in there with me. It doesn't matter what anyone says, or how badly anyone hurts me. God's got my heart.

Thank goodness.

I am 16 going on 17! ..Oh wait...not anymore...

So today is (drum-roll please) myyyy.......Birthday! Yaaay! Woot! Cheers! Fireworks! ...ok, well maybe not quite fireworks lol ;)

But anyway, it's true, today is officially the day in which I turn 17. Now 17 is not usually considered a milestone birthday, but I am, in this blogpost, going to point a couple of things that change.

For instance, were I to be arrested for something I would officially go to real big-people jail instead of Juv.

Also, as of today I can officially join the army.

And the city curfew does not apply to me anymore.

And last but not least, I can no longer officially sing the song: "I am 16 going on 17!"

So again, there's nothing too overly exciting about this birthday. I suppose I am more excited about the fact that I shall soon be a senior!!! Woot! Yay! Cheers!

Haha some interesting facts about my grade I am in would include:

We graduate in 2012 before the world is excpected to end. Hence: we're so important the world waits to end just so we can graduate! ;)

And two, what grade I am in progesses with the years, for instance, when I was in fifth grade, it was 2005, and when I was in eighth grade it was 2008. Cool huh?

Haha anyway, on the more serious side I'd like you to know that I view a birthday as a sort of new years resolution type time in my life. Now I know many people don't agree with the "new years resolution" type goals that are easily made and easily broken. But I've always viewed them as rather a time to take a closer look at my relationship with Christ and serious discuss with Him ways I can change for the better. How can I be more christ-like to others in my life? Type questions. And I also like to do this on my birthday. It's simply a time for me to sit down and say: how do I want to remember my 17th year of life. Do I want to remember fighting with my parents all the time and being rebelious? Or would I rather remember seriously pursueing the Lord in my relationships with others by being respectful, humble, sweet, encouraging, loving, and in terms of those in authority over me: obediant. Obviously the second choice. So yeah, I started this morning by studying my bible. And I want that to become a habit, not only reading it sometime during the day, but in the morning, starting out my day. I feel like when we start out our day listening to God and discoveringmore of Him, it changes our attitude for the remainer. Even if we had woken up on the wrong side of the bed and we feel predisposed to be cranky and mean that day, I feel if we discipline ourselves to crack open that bible and actually seek to hear what God has to say, it can change our entire outlook. So yeah, that's just one thing i've been thinking.

Also, I found this wonderful verse i'd like to make a goal for myself the other day. It goes something like this:

"3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."
1 Peter3:3-4

I feel as though this was written to me. I'm ashamed to admit I'll spend hours in front of the mirror trying on clothes and doing my hair to go somewhere, and then go and snap at my parents when they ask me to do something. God has been pointing this out to me lately and working on that place in my heart. I'm continually asking Him to change me to where I don't care so much about what clothes I'm wearing as about the attitude I'm wearing, for I know which one is more important.

Anyway, just some thoughts and birthday resolutions here for ya. Keep me accountable, kay? Haha thanks.

Much love,

17 year old Anna :)

Ought to be

"I love You more than a slow-falling summer rain.
More than a silence that only the snow leaves behind.
I love You more.

And I love You better than the gray of the autumn air.
Better than spring in its blooming against the sky.
I love You more.

It may not be red as the rose is yet.
It may not be strong as the old oak trees, but,
Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be.

Your love is steady and sure as the mountains high.
Moving my heart like a river that gently bends.
Your love is sure.

Your love is wide open spaces where I can run.
And yet, we're tangled up roots in the warm broken earth.
Yeah, our love is sure.

And it may not be clear as the morning yet.
It may not be wide as a restless sea, but,
Love given freely becomes what it ought to be.

It may not be clear as the morning yet.
It may not be wide as a restless sea.
And it may not be red as the roses yet.
It may not be strong as the old oak trees, but,

Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to and
Hearts given freely becomes what they ought to
Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be.
What it ought to be."

"Ought To Be" by Audrey Assad

I didn't exactly mean to write a poem....

Complacency is a most horrid distraction.

God help.

I feel like I'm stuck in a pit of sinking sand and I can't crawl my way back onto land.

I'm distracted by things I find more beautiful than You.
And I'm sadly mistaken, for You are You!

It's a fight to read my bible, to reach the voice in my head.
A fight I must not lose! But winning I dread...

It's easier to run, to revel in meaningless things.
To be a sluggard slumped in refuse, all while he cheerfully sings.

To care more about boys, movies, friends, and clothes.
To lose sight of the Majestic, in favor of those.

Poor, poor substitutes, entertainers of our hearts,
all the while You're calling, yearning for us to do our part.

To simply turn back to You. You can do the rest!
You seperate our sins, as far as the east is from the west.

We need just take the first step, you will carry us on from there,
we need only crack open that bible, or direct a word to Your ear.

We need only call, for You to be at our side.
You were there anyway, in silence, beside.

You'll hold our hand, lead us out of the dark.
Like a lover You'll whisper, Your comforting remarks.

You'll draw us nearer, into Your arms.
Our hearts will beat faster, giving into Your charms.

Our smiles will ignite, setting fire to Your heart.
You enjoy our presence, You love our every part.

We revel in You, Your majesty, beauty, and grace.
As You rejoice in our love! Your heart loves to see our face!

Now, as one, complete, in the fullness of our love.
We will walk off in the sunshine; the shulamite and beloved.

"I've got you."

This. This is me right now. Actually, this is me a lot more than just right now. As I've said before, this is really a picture of my testimony. I'm going to explain that further today. It needs a lot of explanation, cause there are many different ways it applies, but it does.

First note, I'm not exactly having the best of days today. Had horrible dreams last night that have left me feeling rather down all day. Not like a nightmare, that just leaves you scared. I'm left feeling....off. Not quite right. It probably didn't help how realistic the dream was. I just really have to remember to turn to God on days like these. Ah well, all that to say this, if the blog is on the more serious side, and not with a lot of humor or my normal crazy self-ness. I apoligize, you know why.

So anyway, back to the picture. Well first there's the obvious: that when all the sins and distractions and deamons of the world are trying to get at us, Jesus is holding us safe in His arms.

But then there's the slightly less obvious. I didn't paint her eyes. I didn't paint her eyes because our eyes are always shifting. If I followed the spirit of the painting, her eyes would be closed, for she would be completely resting on Jesus. She would be fully intent on worshiping and loving Him. Sadly, this is not always the case. The deamons and the distractions are constantly screaming for our attention. They're flailing thier arms and doing everything possible to get it. They want desperately to distract us from Jesus' embrace. That's thier job, their driving force. That's what they devote theire entire selves to. It is a battle for the attentions and affections of our hearts.

And sometimes, we give in. Sometimes, we forget we are in the arms of the most loving and beautiful person in the universe, and we trick ourselves into believing that those ugly deamons and sins are beautiful. When our eyes stray, the become blinded, for they have strayed from the light. And when they are blinded, we are tricked into believing something entirely different about the sins our eyes have strayed to. We start believing they are beautiful. We start thinking that they are worth looking away from God for. We start thinking that maybe we can find more pleasure in the things of the world than we can in the arms of Christ. And we are sadly mistaken.

And yet, here's the beautiful part: Christ does not let go. Even when our eyes stray and we become blinded by the darkness. Even when our hearts turn away and we belive the world holds more pleasure than Christ. He does not let go. He does not give us up as a lost cause simply because we have failed Him again. He remains with us. His hold is strong. He will not let us fall, and He will not kick us out. He is neither cruel enough to cast us out nor lax enough to simply let us go. He remains, ever wrapping us in His arms, ever forgiving us and calling us to try again, to start anew with Him. He puts our sins and our failings as far away as the east is from the west. And he never stops. He is ever-loving, and ever-holding on. Even if we outright rebel, outright make the utter desicion to leave His arms and run the other way, He is ever chasing after us, calling us back, ready to recieve us into His embrace. To save us from ourselves.

I need to believe this. I think we all struggle with believing this sometimes. For me, what happens is when I mess up, and my eyes stray away, I cast out myself. I put myself, in my eyes, as in the midst of the blackness. And I figure since I got myself there I have to figure out a way to climb back out into Jesus' arms. But the problem is, I can never do that by myself. Nay, in fact, the real problem is I never even left God's arms! He's still holding me, even while I'm desperately trying to figure out a way for Him to want to hold me again. lol Silly isn't it. But I do it. I say to myself that I've fallen and now I have to figure out a way to get back up again. As if I could do that by myself. But God is always ever there saying "I never let you go! I was always holding you up in my victorious and righteous right hand! You're already here! With me! I have forgiven! I am ever ready to take our relationship to the next level! Come on! You don't have to climb to try to get to the place you "were at" you're already here! I never let you fall. I've got you! Anna, I've got you!"

He's got me. For now and evermore.

Thank God.

Onething

So this last weekend I attented a onething regional conference in my city. If you don't know, onething is a conference directed by the Internation House Of Prayer, or IHOP. Thier home base is in Kansas City where the have a ministry of consant day and night prayer that has been going on for twelve years. This is powerful stuff. And every year they put on a huge conference in Kansas City that roughly 20000+ people attend! Then, throughout the year, they take a miniature version of th conference around to key cities in the U.S. And this year I got to come! OHMYGOODNESS so. amazingly. good. This ministry is spot. on. They are passionately pursueing God and training thousands of people to do likewise. The directors and speakers seriously know Him. They have devoted their lives to reading the word, interceding, prophesying, and truly seeking God out. And let me tell you right now, there is power with them. Serious power. I consider myself very fortunate to be able to have sat under their teachings and worshipped with them these last two days. I got to experience a move of God as well as full out worship His beautiful and awe-inspiring face. There is nothing better.

So yeah, good stuff, good stuff. I won't be talking about all the things I learned there in this blog because it's already pretty long as it is and that would just add ten times more lol. But just know, I've definitely recieved some precious pearls of wisdom that might work there way into some future blogposts. It's good stuff guys, real good stuff. About the God of the universe who is so majestic and powerful and yet He deeply loves and cares for each and every one of us. I mean, how can things related to Him not be good stuff? lol so yeah, anyway, for now, just continually seek His face. The End.

Love ya :)

Jesus

So yesterday my family and I went out to eat at this really good mexican restuarant. That's just what you do in texas lol.

So anyway, we got there and met our server who's name was Jesus. He was hispanic so it was actually pronounced the spanish way that sounds rather like "Hey Zues!" But still, everytime he came around his name-tag was plainly printed as "Jesus." And it got me to thinking. If this guy really was Jesus, would I treat him any differently? I mean, obvisly if it really was Jesus I would be tackling Him and laughing, dancing, and shouting I LOVE YOU and stuffs, but just respectfully, as a waiter, would I be kinder to Jesus, than to Hey-zues? Would I smile more? Would I give Him a super encouraging kind word? Would I try to do anything to brighten His day? Would I tip Him a lot?...well actually I probably wouldn't do that one since Jesus already kind of owns all the money in the world lol... But still! This all got me to thinking about a quote I once heard from Mother Teresa. It goes something like this;

"Be Jesus to everyone you meet. And in everyone you meet, see Jesus."

It's really a good solid truth. We are always to try to follow the ways of Jesus and try to be like Him as much as possible, but we are also to treat others as if they were Jesus. Just like in the scripture about the sheep and the goats where Jesus tells everyone who fed the hungry, helped the poor and the sick and the needy, that all that time they were feeding Him, clothing Him, comforting Him.

Yeah...just something to think about.

Wisdom and selflessness

I've been reading Ecclesiastes, Psalms and Proverbs a lot lately....well...I'm always reading psalms lol. It is my favorite of favorite books! :D

Anyway, that was besides the point. The point was, there is a heck of a lot of wisdom packed in those books. A lot. And it amazes me how so many people have that much knowledge and wisdom at their fingertips all the time, and yet don't put it into action, myself included.

So I got to thinking...as usual, pretty hard about wisdom. What is it's definition? How precious is it? What constitutes as wisdom? What would the world be like if we all took a good chunk of wisdom and put it into practice? ..A lot better that's for sure...

But anyway, my thoughts eventually picked out and followed the path of different definitions of wisdom. So I thought I'd share some:

(note: I am young, I am immature, and I don't claim that any of this is true, right, or wise. I only claim to have the small amount of knowledge and morals God has taught me since I was a child. So if you don't agree with any of this, please, feel free to comment and discuss it with me.)

Wisdom.

Wisdom is knowing what to do and when to do it.

Wisdom is obeying God's laws.

Wisdom is putting others before yourself.

Wisdom is complete and total selflessness.

Wisdom is knowing when to shut up.

Wisdom is knowing when to speak and when to shut up.

Wisdom is knowing what to say when you speak.

Wisdom is thinking before you speak.

Wisdom is listening, following, and putting God's laws into action.

Wisdom is practicing what you preach.

Wisdom is practicing what God preached.

Wisdom is acknoledging you're wrong, you're not perfect.

Wisdom is acknowledging that God is always right.

Wisdom is following God no matter where He leads.

Wisdom is knowing that God is better than anything else in the world.

Wisdom is putting yourself last.

Wisdom is loving God and His words more than yourself.

Wisdom is listening to God, that still small, beautiful voice in your head.

Wisdom is not only knowing the right thing to do, but when to do it.

Wisdom is following God even when it gets tough.

Wisdom is knowing that the persecutions of this earth are not even worthy to be compared with the treasures God has store for us in heaven.

Wisdom is knowing that all the treasures of the world are not worthy to be compared with even an ounce of God's glory. God's presence. God's love.

Wisdom is more precious than anything else in the world.

And wisdom cannot be bought, only learned. But that's ok, we have infinite wisdom at our fingertips every day.

But then my mind took another track; selflessness. I've heard several teachings about how pride is the ultimate and very first sin. It is what got the top most Angel, Lucifer, tossed out of heaven. It is what lead the way for every other sin to come into the world. It is the first sin ever commited by a human being.

So what is selflessness? Selflessness, is the exact opposite of pride. It is putting yourself in the very last place of everyone in the world. It is not saying that we are second, for who are we to say that we are second to God? No, wisdom and selflessness is saying that we are the eight billionth. It is regarding everyone else in the entire world as more important than oursleves. Loving them first. Taking the lowliest seat. Being completely selfless. Completely forgetting ourselves in the light of loving others.

So, I reasoned, just like every sin followed out of pride, shouldn't every good, moral, righteous thing follow out of selflessness?

So I guess first you would have to love everyone, especially God, far more than yourself, if you were being completely selfless. Even the Hitlers and Bin ladens, as well as your best friends. Love would come first.

Then you would go out of your way to help people, to be kind, to be a servant, for those things follow love.

And obviously you would not hate, murder, steal, cheat, lust, lie, or anything that hurts others for you care about them above yourself.

Even the small things; you would not complain, for that is simply a bother to someone else. You would not be annoying, or frustrating to others, for you sincerely care about how they feel.

You would be giving, of yourself, your time, your possesions, and anything else. For, once again, everyone else is placed above yourself. Your heart has now been transformed. Your eyes no longer look at yourself. Your mirror is no longer your most treasured item. People are. Neigbors and enemies alike.

I could go one, but I think you get the picture. But as I think about it, I think I am coming to realize that one thing does have to come before selflessness, and that is love. Yeah, now that I really think on it, love does not follow selflessness. Selflessness follows love. Love comes first. Love is the reason the world was created and the thing that holds it together. Love. God. That's it. This complicated world is really quite simple when you think about it.

Love God.

It will lead to loving people.

Which will lead to selflessness, and we all know where it goes from there. :)

Sorry if i rambled too much. Welcome to my mind and how it works, hope I didn't scare you off. ;)

Much love, Anna.

Word.

more more More More MORE MORE!!!!!!!!!

That's all I can say guys. All I can say.

And I'm talking about the Bible.

Look, I know we always talk about how it is such a powerful book and we claim to read it and such, but...

When you actually crack that thing open. When you actually intentionally dig into what it says, and I mean dig.

When you actually sit there with only the bible to keep you company.

When you actually spend hours, digging into it. Reading it. Learning it. Understanding it. Loving it.

It is like none. other.

There are no words to describe this feeling.

It's like, the more you read and know, the more you want to, the more you need it, the more you have to have it!

The more it literally becomes your food! Your water! Your life!

The more you absolutely rely on it to get you through your day and you wonder how you ever survived without it.

The more you find how living and active it is! How you discover the same words you read yesterday have a completely different meaning today!

You discover verses, words, that seem to be spefically meant for you! You wonder how a multitude of these aren't quoted on facebook everyday!

It's just all so wonderful!

I truly wonder how I ever lived without this.

It's like a drug..a drug that will never get old, never harm you, never get boring, will always get better every time, and will actually help your life.

Yeah, this is the stuff I wanna get high off of.

"For the hands that hold the world, are holding your heart."

I had a good looong talk with God last night. I wrote down everything He said. And every time I go back and read it I am continually amazed. I mean, God is so freaking cool! I just love Him to bits!

But yeah, so I just though I'd share with you some of the things He's been telling me recently:

1. I don't need to worry. About anything. Cause God is in control. Of everything. He takes care of everything. He's got a plan. And it's a good one. It's the best one. Whether I know what it is or not. It doesn't matter. He's God, He is in control.

2. I have nothing to fear. Again, God is in control. There are no circumstances that could happen in my life that are not part of His perfect plan. So along with no need to worry, there is no need, and nothing, to fear. He is my protector. He's watching out for me, for I am special to Him. He loves me, so therefore what can man do to me?

3. God is holding my heart. Now this one was a bit more spefically to me. Just something that God was telling me in particular. That I do not have anything to worry about and nothing to fear, for God is holding my heart, and will not let it be taken or broken by someone else. He told me this. He told me that everyone in my life He has put there for a specific reason. He is planning something big for me, and He is ordering all my relationships with people in ways to prepare me for...God knows what! (pun intended ;) But anyway, in all this, again, I have nothing to fear. For God is holding my heart, and "guarding it jealously." Those were the exact words He used. Oh my God I love you like none other!!!

So anyway, just getting encouragment from the Son of Man upstairs lately. My love for Him is beyond words, and He has told me He loves me "with all that I AM." "I AM", the Creator, The Author and Finisher of our faith, loves me with all that He is.

There is nothing better under...or over, the sun. :)