"The Race" by D. H. Groberg

"Quit, give up, you're beaten"
They shout at you and plead
"There's just too much against you
This time you can't succeed".

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failures face
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene
Or just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being

Childrens race, young boys
Young men, how I remember well
Excitement sure, but also fear
It wasn't hard to tell

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race
Or tie for first, or if not that
At least take second place

The fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he could be the one

The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boys desire

And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought
"My dad will be so proud"

But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped

Trying hard to catch himself
With hands flew out to brace
And amid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face

But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said
"Get up and win the race"

He quickly rose, no damage done
Behind a bit that's all
And ran with all his night and mind
To make up for the fall

So anxious to restore himself
To catch up and to win
His mind went faster than his legs
He slipped and fell again

He wised then that he had quit before
With only one disgrace
"I'm hopeless as a runner now
I shouldn't try to race"

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his fathers face
That steady look which said again
"Get up and win the race"

So up he jumped to try again
Ten yards behind the last
If I'm going to gain those yards he though
I've got to move real fast

Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten
But trying hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again

Defeat, he lay there silently
A tear dropped from his eye
There's no sense running anymore
Three strikes, I'm out, why try?

The will to rise had disappeared
All hope had fled away
So far behind so error prone
A loser all the way

"I've lost, so what", he thought
I'll live with my disgrace
But then he thought about his dad
Whom soon he'd have to face

"Get up" the echo sounded low
"Get up" and take your place
You were not meant for failure here
"Get up", and win the race

With borrowed will "Get up" it said
"You haven't lost at all"
For winning is no more than this
To rise each time you fall

So up he rose to run once more
And with a new commit
He resolved, that win or lose
At least he shouldn't quit

So far behind the others now
The most he'd ever been
Still he'd give it all he had
And run as though to win

Three times he'd fallen, stumbling
Three times he'd rose again
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place
Head high and proud and happy
No falling, no disgrace

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line, last place
The crowd gave him the greater cheer
For finishing the race

And even though he came in last
With head bent low, unproud
You would have thought he'd won the race
To listen to the crowd

And to his dad he sadly said
"I didn't do too well"
"To me you won", his father said
"You rose each time you fell"

And when things seem dark and bleak
And difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my own race.

For all of life is like that race.
With ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win,
Is rise each time you fall.

“Quit! Give up, you’re beaten!”
They still shout in my face.
But another voice within me says:
“Get up and win the race!”

Head and Heart

Hey there y'all. How are you? I'm afraid I don't have many deep thoughts or words for you today, I just felt like I needed to talk...er type. So here I am. Typing away. Meaningless words on a meaningless page. Unless, of course, any of these words have ever served to bring hope to someone, to bring life, to bring joy, comfort, wisdom, inspiration, or in any way stimulate somebody's brain. Then it wouldn't have been a complete waste.
You see, I'm realizing something. I'm realizing that the world is not all about me. I mean, I've always known that. But there's a big difference between head-knowledge and our actions. Knowing and saying one thing, and yet doing another, even subconsciously. And I'm afraid I have struggled in this area. I'm the type that likes to say they know all the answers: like how I'm supposed to live, how I'm supposed to act, how I'm supposed to treat others, and how I'm supposed to handle certain situations, etc... But there comes a point when you have to sit there and look at yourself, really look at yourself. A point where you have to ask yourself: am I really living this out? Not just in "word and speech" but in "actions and in truth" as 1 John 3:18 says. Is everything you've always heard and known really who you are?
And a lot of the times for me, the answer is no.
I didn't realize this about myself till recently; but for a long time there was a disconnect between my head and my heart. What I knew up there and what I really felt and did deep down. I've often lived out my christianity and life based upon feelings instead of truth. And that is an incredibely dangerous thing to do. As Jeremaiah 17:9 says: "The heart is decietfully wicked above all things. Who can know it?" We can't live by our hearts. We can not let our emotions, feelings, and circumstances direct how we live. Never should we let something that happens around us, that affects our feelings, have any affect on our relationship with God or others. That is just immaturity and selfishness. Too often we blame our problems on God and when something good happens we call it "luck." Too often when we are having a rough time of things we shut down to everyone around us; neither helping them nor letting them help us. This all is simply selfishness that only serves to hurt us in the long run. For a person made of walls will never be able to let anyone in, nor will they be able to get themselves out.
You see, I went to a camp last week that changed my life. Now this isn't your normal run of the mill summer camp. This is an intense-learning-experience-truly-digging-into-the-things-of-God type camp. There were about 6+ hours of straight up teaching by different leaders every day. I believe there was something like 23 hours in all. And then added to that is worship times, quiet times, and different learning experiences throughout the week. I mean this camp was intense. The type of intenisity that I just love. :) But anyway, on the last night the speaker was teaching on the story of Elija and Elisha. And how when they first met, Elisha burned and cooked all his oxen before following Elija. Those oxen were his whole livlihood: everything he had to live on. And also everything he had to go back to if he decided to stop following Elija. The speaker went on to talk about if we are going to truly follow Christ with all of ourselves, we have to burn every part of our past life that is holding us back. Burn every sin that gets at us most, that calls us back out of Christ's arms. He then called everyone that wanted to up in a line at the front and gave us each a microphone in turn to say the thing, or several things, we were burning: for there is healing in confession among the body. Almost the whole camp went up to the front. It was amazing. Deliverence was rampant. We each lined up in turn and gave over our struggles to Jesus. Burned our past sins and gave up our lives to the will of our creator. It was beautiful. My life was changed. I realized the main thing that was holding me back. I'm not going to say it on here but it was a subconscious thing; a driving force in my life I didn't even consciously realize was there. And I took that thing, and I burned it. Right there, in front of everybody. There is no turning back. I have given it to Jesus, and I don't ever want to live that way again.
So anyway, sorry for the side-tracking-bunny-trail. I just had to get that out of my system. I feel like telling the whole world :) But anyway, my point. Here it is: I didn't feel anything when I burned it. Some people felt a weight being lifted off their backs etc... But I felt nothing, and here's why: God was showing me that this was not just some feel-good emotional camp high. Not just another thing that felt good in my heart. No, this was a conscious descision I was making to live differently. To give my struggles over to God and to not live the christian walk by "feelings" anymore. And I belive I have truly come away different. Truly changed. I have gained some precious wisdom that I shall keep for the rest of my life. I realize now that it doesn't matter what happens in my life: my dog dies, a close friend leaves, somebody breaks up with me, I feel depressed, hurt, abondoned, rejected, etc.. It doesn't matter! I am still alive to live for the glory of God and declare His praises all the days of my life. I am still here to fellowship with others and be a light to the world. I am still alive to love. To love God and people. And no circumstance or feeling can ever change that. I have a purpose in Christ. And no power, no principality, not even death can stop me now. I have God. And He is stronger even then the grave.

Amen.

So be it.

Lovesick

"I am lovesick for my Beloved
My Beloved and my Friend

Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy

Try as I may to chase another lover
I find there is, there is no other

For only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy

And happy am I to live a hungry life
Blessed am I to thirst
Disillusionment
It is my gift within
I am blessed
I am blessed among men

To be lovesick for my beloved
My beloved and my friend
So very lovesick for my beloved
My beloved and my friend

Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy

Try as I may to chase another lover
I find there is, there is no other

All the other Lovers fade away
All the other Lovers fade away
All the other Lovers fade away

Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy

And happy am I to live a hungry life
Blessed am I to thirst
My desire for you
It is my gift within
I am blessed
I am blessed among men

This is the generation that's tried everything
This is the generation of Jacob
This is the generation that's done all those things

But only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy

This is the generation
Looking for the face of God
This is the generation of Jacob
This is the generation
Searching for the face of God

And only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy

The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"

We say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"

"Lovesick" -Misty Edwards-

"Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all..."
-Alfred, Lord Tennyson-

The battle has already been won.

there's always the perfect verse.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
And why are you so disquieted within me?
Hope in God:
For I shall yet praise Him,
who is the help of my countenance,
and my God."

Psalm 43:5

He who wipes away every tear...

There's nothing like a good hot shower after a good long cry.

Curled up in my closet with no light and only blankets and stuffed animals surrounding me. A few wet tissues are wadded in my hand. My face is sticky, my mouth tastes slimey, and my heart is full. Full of emotions both good and bad. Full of thoughts of how every human I've ever put my trust in has let me down, and yet also full of the knowledge that my Saviour, my God, will never let me down.

It's the type of mood I've been in for the majority of the past month or more. Oh of course I have my happy times; full of joy and pure gladness of heart. Pure moments of rejoicing at being the daughter and future bride of Christ.

Yet still, there's been an everpresent drepression seemingly waiting around every corner. It's a funny kind of depression though: almost coforatable. Just like how a slow cozy cry after a long hard day seems to be just what the doctor ordered.

I'll admit at times I do enjoy crying: it's familiar. Something I'm used to and comforatable with. The familiar ache in your heart that somehow reaches to your tear ducts. The warm feeling of letting your problems run down your face. The shining beauty of your eyes popping out from a red and white patterned face.

And yet, as much as this is familiar and comforting; I'm tired of it. I've been crying far too much lately. I feel like I'm twelve again, when hormones were raging and everything on earth made you either want to shout for joy or cry all day long.
It's not exactly the most enjoyable of feelings...

Oh sure, if you're a girl you can blame it on being the wrong time of the month...but at some point, you run out of that excuse; it becomes you just being "over emotional." So then you have to take up the point to hide your feelings.

Hence: crying alone in my closet; the best and worst feeling in the world. Total comfort, totally alone.

It's sure a good thing I have God to talk to in there, or else I'd be a goner: alone with no purpose and no reason to be alive. Not to mention no one who cared.

Ah well, the fact of the matter is, I do have God. He's with me, in the depths of the sea, in the mountain-tops, and alone in my dark closet. He's there, holding me, comforting me, giving me advice, and showing how He truly is the only one who will never let me down.

So yes, I may have been depressed for a while now. I may have been going through some major emotional roller coaster rides. I may have people letting me down every way I turn. But, I have God. I have the very person who created the cosmos in half a sentence who deeply cares about each of my petty needs. Who cares and takes the time to wipe every tear away. Who hears my pleas, and will answer them. He who is captivated by my eyes and loves every part of me with a passion. My fiance, He's in there with me. It doesn't matter what anyone says, or how badly anyone hurts me. God's got my heart.

Thank goodness.

I am 16 going on 17! ..Oh wait...not anymore...

So today is (drum-roll please) myyyy.......Birthday! Yaaay! Woot! Cheers! Fireworks! ...ok, well maybe not quite fireworks lol ;)

But anyway, it's true, today is officially the day in which I turn 17. Now 17 is not usually considered a milestone birthday, but I am, in this blogpost, going to point a couple of things that change.

For instance, were I to be arrested for something I would officially go to real big-people jail instead of Juv.

Also, as of today I can officially join the army.

And the city curfew does not apply to me anymore.

And last but not least, I can no longer officially sing the song: "I am 16 going on 17!"

So again, there's nothing too overly exciting about this birthday. I suppose I am more excited about the fact that I shall soon be a senior!!! Woot! Yay! Cheers!

Haha some interesting facts about my grade I am in would include:

We graduate in 2012 before the world is excpected to end. Hence: we're so important the world waits to end just so we can graduate! ;)

And two, what grade I am in progesses with the years, for instance, when I was in fifth grade, it was 2005, and when I was in eighth grade it was 2008. Cool huh?

Haha anyway, on the more serious side I'd like you to know that I view a birthday as a sort of new years resolution type time in my life. Now I know many people don't agree with the "new years resolution" type goals that are easily made and easily broken. But I've always viewed them as rather a time to take a closer look at my relationship with Christ and serious discuss with Him ways I can change for the better. How can I be more christ-like to others in my life? Type questions. And I also like to do this on my birthday. It's simply a time for me to sit down and say: how do I want to remember my 17th year of life. Do I want to remember fighting with my parents all the time and being rebelious? Or would I rather remember seriously pursueing the Lord in my relationships with others by being respectful, humble, sweet, encouraging, loving, and in terms of those in authority over me: obediant. Obviously the second choice. So yeah, I started this morning by studying my bible. And I want that to become a habit, not only reading it sometime during the day, but in the morning, starting out my day. I feel like when we start out our day listening to God and discoveringmore of Him, it changes our attitude for the remainer. Even if we had woken up on the wrong side of the bed and we feel predisposed to be cranky and mean that day, I feel if we discipline ourselves to crack open that bible and actually seek to hear what God has to say, it can change our entire outlook. So yeah, that's just one thing i've been thinking.

Also, I found this wonderful verse i'd like to make a goal for myself the other day. It goes something like this:

"3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."
1 Peter3:3-4

I feel as though this was written to me. I'm ashamed to admit I'll spend hours in front of the mirror trying on clothes and doing my hair to go somewhere, and then go and snap at my parents when they ask me to do something. God has been pointing this out to me lately and working on that place in my heart. I'm continually asking Him to change me to where I don't care so much about what clothes I'm wearing as about the attitude I'm wearing, for I know which one is more important.

Anyway, just some thoughts and birthday resolutions here for ya. Keep me accountable, kay? Haha thanks.

Much love,

17 year old Anna :)

Ought to be

"I love You more than a slow-falling summer rain.
More than a silence that only the snow leaves behind.
I love You more.

And I love You better than the gray of the autumn air.
Better than spring in its blooming against the sky.
I love You more.

It may not be red as the rose is yet.
It may not be strong as the old oak trees, but,
Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be.

Your love is steady and sure as the mountains high.
Moving my heart like a river that gently bends.
Your love is sure.

Your love is wide open spaces where I can run.
And yet, we're tangled up roots in the warm broken earth.
Yeah, our love is sure.

And it may not be clear as the morning yet.
It may not be wide as a restless sea, but,
Love given freely becomes what it ought to be.

It may not be clear as the morning yet.
It may not be wide as a restless sea.
And it may not be red as the roses yet.
It may not be strong as the old oak trees, but,

Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to and
Hearts given freely becomes what they ought to
Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be.
What it ought to be."

"Ought To Be" by Audrey Assad

I didn't exactly mean to write a poem....

Complacency is a most horrid distraction.

God help.

I feel like I'm stuck in a pit of sinking sand and I can't crawl my way back onto land.

I'm distracted by things I find more beautiful than You.
And I'm sadly mistaken, for You are You!

It's a fight to read my bible, to reach the voice in my head.
A fight I must not lose! But winning I dread...

It's easier to run, to revel in meaningless things.
To be a sluggard slumped in refuse, all while he cheerfully sings.

To care more about boys, movies, friends, and clothes.
To lose sight of the Majestic, in favor of those.

Poor, poor substitutes, entertainers of our hearts,
all the while You're calling, yearning for us to do our part.

To simply turn back to You. You can do the rest!
You seperate our sins, as far as the east is from the west.

We need just take the first step, you will carry us on from there,
we need only crack open that bible, or direct a word to Your ear.

We need only call, for You to be at our side.
You were there anyway, in silence, beside.

You'll hold our hand, lead us out of the dark.
Like a lover You'll whisper, Your comforting remarks.

You'll draw us nearer, into Your arms.
Our hearts will beat faster, giving into Your charms.

Our smiles will ignite, setting fire to Your heart.
You enjoy our presence, You love our every part.

We revel in You, Your majesty, beauty, and grace.
As You rejoice in our love! Your heart loves to see our face!

Now, as one, complete, in the fullness of our love.
We will walk off in the sunshine; the shulamite and beloved.