Invisible

You don’t know me
You never did
You never took the time
To look inside my head

To look beyond my mask
of being normal and
blending in
You never tried to discover
The person I really am

You never got to know me
You never even cared
You never even saw me
You only saw my shield

And so you'll never discover
the friendship we could've had.
Or share my loyalty and caring heart
that I will always freely give.

And that is what your missing
every time that you ignore
my glances,
my stares,
my hoping eyes,
while you intently stare at the floor.

Back-tracking

You know, I talk about joy alot. I talk about choosing to be joyful in every situation and always being yourself and stuff like that. And you know what? For all my talk, my endless words, insights, and emotions, it's still just that; talk. You can talk all day. You can talk till you're blue. You can talk till the sun falls down. And you can talk till pigs start to fly, but it's still talk. And so I ask; where is the action?
For me, it was there. In my life, everyday. I made a choice to be joyful in all things. But you know what I found out? I found that is easy to choose to be joyful when the is nothing else to choose. English? It's easy to be joyful when your world is perfect. But what about when your world falls down? When it crashes down?
Like I said; it's easy to choose when there is no other choice.
When you're doing good, when life is sunshine, flowers, and puppies, there isn't a choice in the first place. And I'm just gonna yell at you if you're not rejoicing. You have so much to be thankful for!
But what about when there is actually a choice? When things aren't sunshine and flowers? When all you see are clouds with black linings? Those times happen. They happen to everybody. They happen to the cutter at your school and the perpetually-smiling homeschooler on your street. They come. And eventually we all have to face the choice. The choice of Joy. Unfortunately for so many they have no choice of Joy because they don't have the giver of all joy; God. He's the only thing that can lift you up off the ground when you fallen hard and your world's fallen around you. He's the only one who can dig through the rubble. He's the only true sun in your sky of black clouds. No matter how many people or things you think will work instead, they all disappear at the end. No matter how much you're sure they will complete your life; they wont. It all passes away. All except God. And I can't wait till that day. The day when this whole stupid earth will vanish and I am left alone with my God. My Groom. My Lord. My Redeemer. My Lover. Only then will I truly know Joy. The most aweful, terrible, wonderful joy there is. But for now, while I'm stuck on earth. I will find my joy in Him. And only Him. I know nothing else can satisfy me...ever. No matter how long or how hard I search. I will never find one like Him. And I know for sure and for certain that He's the one I want to save me when I'm down. You see, I've discovered something. I've discoevered that's its truly impossible to choose Joy on your own. You have to let God take over. He's the only way you'll ever get anywhere with that...or anything for that matter. Just give up. It's soooo much easier than trying to handle life on your own. I know that for sure. I know that every time I try to run my own life it falls apart. I know that God's my only saviour. So thats it. He's the joy. It's not you, you can't rule over it. ONly he can. So heres my new question; Will you let Him?

Times

I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you,
and its been so long

i long to feel you
i feel this need for you'
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?

oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done

are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh.

i hear you say
"my love is over,
its underneath
its inside
its in between

the times you doubt me,
when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned
'is this for real?'

the times you've broken,
the times that you mend
the times you hate me
and the times that you bend

well my love is over,
its underneath,
its inside,
its in between,

these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've
fallen from grace

the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry
and are tempted to steal

in times of confusion
and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow
under the weight of your shame

im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you
by my power alone

i dont care where you've fallen,
where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends,
it never ends

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Therapy: a somewhat poem.

Therapy

Therapy is
different
for every person
My therapy
consists of this:

God
Art
Music
Friends
Swinging
Dancing
Green grassy fields
The rain
The sun
The wind
Curling up
on the couch
with a movie
and popcorn.
Reading
Silence
Trying
Crying
Venting
Screaming
Tearing things up
Forgiving
Loving
Moving on
Sleeping
Laughing!

The End

Slow-motion

Do you ever have those days where it seems like everything is happening in slow motion? Where is seems like the world knows that you're not doing ok, so it tries to lord it over you by slowing everything down? I had one of those days today...
Everything went slow...super slow. I don't think I've ever experience an E.C.C day that went by so slowly, and I felt awful. Not that I was sick or something, but I was missing someone. I suppose I was sick; heartsick. It was one of those days where you finally get home and all you want to do is curl up in God's lap and just give it all to him. You just want to say, "I don't wanna deal with this anymore God, I'm tired of it, emotionally and physically. Take it away from me, take it all away."
Sometimes I just wish things would go back to the way they were. Back to the "good ole days". Though, I think everyone has "good ole days" that they wish would come back sometimes. It's far too easy to hate the situation you're in and wish for other times. Even the Israelites wished they were back in Egypt as slaves sometimes. But you have to remember, you always have to remember, that God has a plan. Gah, it's so hard to remember that sometimes! But He does. He has a plan, and a purpose. And our job is to learn to be thankful and rejoice in every situation. No matter what. No matter if we're wandering around the dessert with only tasteless manna to eat, or wandering around your school disgusted at the injustice, and missing someone to death. You have to stay strong, to stay in God; where all of our strength comes from.

Journaling

So recently I started a Journal. I call it "The Journal of Anna's insights and inspirations." ...Or at least that's its official name. Really all it is is me writing down all the ramblings and craziness of my head on paper. But since I firmly believe that all things deserve a proper name, I hath titled it. :)
What I figured I'd do is this; I'd write my brain down on all those empty pieces of paper in there and if I came across an entry that I like, I post it to my blog! So here are the ones I thought were good so far....


Ummm yeeeaaahh about that...turns out I don't have as many insightful poetic thoughts up there as I thought I did. lol Oh well, I have discovered something along the way anyway: It's really good/relaxing/edifying/therapeutic/and just plain nice to be able to get all your thoughts out onto a piece of paper. It's like slowly emptying out the jumbles so you can more easily find the Diamonds of knowledge that are stored away into some deep corner. I suppose it's somewhat like if you had the ability to clean out everything in your room you don't want or need, and store it all in a little book. Very convenient huh. Well anyway, that's how my journaling has been going so far. I really recommend it. So yeah, I guess that's all folks. :)