Not quite sure what this is...it just kinda came out.

The sun's setting.
Jesus is here, He's whispering in my ear.
He's always whispering in my ear
but I don't always choose to listen
silly me.
I am quite a goof of a human
and I can never quite pin myself down
how do you solve a problem like anna?
Well you can't
cause Jesus told me He already did.
On the cross
and everyday He whispers
sweet somethings in my ear.

Dogs are barking.
They have a purpose in life.
To protect
eat
poop
live
love
run
fetch
bark
annoy
etc...
They understand this
they don't have much
but they don't question life.
They have to eat the same food every day
stay in the same yard
not chase cats
not bark too loud
wear the same collar everyday
do everything the moment they're told.
And yet
they are continually thankful
ever loving
never complaining.
We should probably be more like dogs.
Never worrying about the day to come
but ever thankful
ever loving
ever ready to do as we're told.
All this I need to work on...

Long day today
too many worries
too many cares
not cast upon Him
too many let downs
too many
deep
soft
brown
eyes.
Making me swoon.
Perhaps I should just never look at you again.
Then I would be fine.

Selfishness
Self-centeredness
My biggest vice
Lord help me to forget myself
to look outside
and see the world of others
hurting
or even rejoicing.
I need to hurt for them
I need to rejoice with them
Not for myself.

To have friends is to be one.
A valuable lesson to learn.
Also, you are what you confess
out loud
that you are.
Proven tested theory.

Therefore:

I am beloved
I am a child of the King
I am healthy and smart
I have a deep love for others
I truly care about them
My God is the most important Man in my life
He is uttermost on my mind
all the time
I am happy
I am joyful
I have a wonderful family
I am patient
I am strong
I am unscarred
I have a healthy thriving heart
For Christ has made it new.
I am a new Creation.

Everything is going wrong and my life is overwhelming. Praise God.

So basically here's the low-down.

I have 200 letters and emails from different colleges all asking me to apply and why their school is the best.

I have absolutely no clue as to which school is the best.

I have absolutely no idea where to go.

I have absolutely no money to go anywhere.

I have no money, no job, no car, and no license.

I have senior trips, mission trips, and other things coming up that I alone have to pay for while I'm in my current state of having no money.

My mother has been getting onto my case about how I didn't stand up to my entire senior grade and tell them we can't go on the trip we want to because it's too much money. She doesn't understand that I don't want to ruin 25 other people's fun just because I'm broke.

I've never cared about money before in my life and suddenly I have to. I have to have it, have to earn it.

I have to work extra hard to pay for things . . . and I don't even have a job yet. Not to mention the college classes I'm taking and school.

Oh and I haven't applied to any colleges . . . which is supposed to be done by now.

So basically, I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed to when all this started coming up at the dinner table today, I burst into tears.

I'm not exactly proud of this fact lol . . . but it is a fact. I quietly left the dinner table to go cry in my closet. I felt kinda bad, like I was being self-centered and just having a poor-me-pity-party. But I couldn't stop the tears. Then those tears turned into tears about more issues . . . and well, you catch my drift.

So I'm sitting there in my cramped closet with my leaky eyes soaking my hair and my pants because I forgot tissues. But one thing I didn't forget was my Bible. So I decided to open it up hoping that God would give me some sort of encouragement. It fell to Psalms 150: the last chapter in psalms. The whole thing just talked about praising God. I thought,
"well that's some help, I'm the one that needs the encouragement not God. I don't quite feel like praising Him for this."
Then it struck me. It struck me that I had the habit of declaring God's praises for all the wrong reasons.

I'd praise Him when I deemed He had done something praiseworthy in my life. Like when you stumble onto some good fortune and exclaim: "Praise God!" But I'd never thought to say "Praise God!" when everything was going wrong.

So I sat there and thought about it. I then proceeded to list all the crazy things going wrong in my life. Much like the list above but much longer. At the end of it all I simply took a deep breath and said: "praise God."

It had never felt so good to say those words. I started repeating them over and over because only when I said them could I stop tears. It seemed as long as I was saying them, as long as I was declaring God's praises, everything was alright.

I then looked back to Psalms 150 and read it aloud knowing that God's scripture does not return void in our lives. I read it through once, and then again, and again, and again. Repeatedly. Incessantly. I spoke it so many times I didn't even need to look at it any more. It was engrained in my heart.

My God is praise-worthy. Not becasue things are going good in our lives or we deem an action of his praise-worthy. But because He IS praise-worthy. No matter what.

Psalms 150:

Praise the LORD.

Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
praise him with timbrel and dancing,
praise him with the strings and pipe,
praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD

Box me up and send me out.

Overwhelmed. Shipping myself to China.



. . . Or England . . . or Ireland. Anywhere away from here.

Do you, Dreamer?

Do you?
Dreamer
wonder of love?
or simply wonder of wandering.

Do you?
Dreamer
wish for better?
Or does contentment follow your way.

Do you?
Dreamer
Glory today?
Or does your fate lie in the future.

Do you?
Dreamer
Love anything?
Or do you love all and everything.

Do you?
Dreamer
Care what they think?
Or are you water on a duck's back.

Do you?
Dreamer
even live here?
Is reality even your home.

Do you?
Dreamer
have your own world?
Is it open to guests, might I stay?

Can you?
Dreamer
Take me away?
With you to your own world of freedom?

Your world
Dreamer
of Love, whole hearts
sincerity, and something called hope.

Oh, please
Dreamer
Take me with you
Introduce me to that thing called hope.

Free verse

Caught up in
pretty blue lights
dreams
sounds
romantic atmospheres.
Dreaming of icebergs
gardens
picnics
and long walks on the beach.
Dreaming in vibrant colors
of royal blues
blushing pinks
charming yellows
soothing greens
sultry reds.
And yet
I have no Object.
No signficant "other"
to enjoy
these colors with.
No point for romance
No reason for fancy.
No "one"
to dream
beside.
Nay, for when I think
of what
Once I had
You.
You're just brown.

So my adventures are shared
with the likes of
Henry the bicycle
Charlie the swing
Riley the ukulele
The jets;
my gang of paintbrushes.

Music is made
by a piano
not by our hearts.
Feelings are caused
by a good book
not by your arms
around me . . .
Emotion is caused
by the dying of the grass
not by a day
of missing you.
My want
is stirred
by a ham-sandwich
not by your
fine eyes.

And yet
I am content.
Why should I not be?
For this is how
most of my life
spent itself.
And why
should I
give you the credit of a drug?:
Just once
a certain high attained
forever sucking pleasure
away from all
that once held
wonders before.
Nay, No, and Nein
I shall not give you that
I shall glory in my
rides with Henry
Soar in spirit
flying with Charles
Laugh so sweetly
to Riley's lovely
inspiring melodies.
You shall not suck
my joy from my canvas.
You shall not extract
the music from my heart.
You shall not cause
a good book to be boring
And you shall not make me
a dull
unfeeling creature.

Out, out
I say
to the ruddy
depressing browns.
In with the blue
the shine!
the pink delights!
The yellow flight!
The contented sighs
of green lullabies!
The Robust Red
Marching on ahead!
The mystery of black!
And the purity of white!
The beauty of the day!
And the wonders of the night!

Poetry in my head, flitting around, here to there.

In world literature class we have been studying all different types of poetry and art. I love World literature class.
Anyway, today's section mentioned free-verse. Which it said was a more modern form of poetry much like prose with no rules and rarely ever rhyming. I smiled prufusely at the description and example they gave because I realized that much of my poetry (which I never really thought was actual poetry) actually has a name and is in the books! Three cheers for free-verse! :)

I believe my next entry shall be a long poem of the free-verse style. Mostly cause I'm feeling inspired by listening to Owl city and hanging out on his website.

Ah well, here goes, cheers. :)

nothing in particular...

I've felt like crying a lot lately.

But praise God, halleluiah, thank the Lord, it's been because of good reasons!

Like when I get so caught up in the beauty and grace of my saviour that I lose it and want to weep because of His goodness.

Or like the dream I had last night about being in England again and standing in the middle of a street in York crying because I was so darn happy to be back. I felt like I was home, and the rest of my life I've just been homesick.

Anyway, so yeah, I've felt like crying a lot, sure. But for the first time in a long time it's been tears of joy. Thank God.

Also a new development: I don't feel the need to post on facebook every sad song I hear to show how I'm feeling to a certain someone anymore. I want to laugh at myself for ever doing that in the first place. lol
No, now when I hear a new sad or hreat-break song I rejoice in the fact that it doesn't fully describe my feelings anymore.

Oh, sure I still miss him. Sure I'm still sad a lot.

But it's bearable. I can get through it. I don't get stuck anymore. With the help of God I can climb out of that rut easier and easier every day.

Thank God :)

In other news: I'm a senior. Officially.

Ok. Back up. What?!?

Yep folks it's true! I am a senior! A fact made all the more real to me by going to my first day of ECC on Friday. It's too crazy. I have a hard time believing it myself. But it's true! And exciting :) I feel like I can have a bigger impact than ever on the younger lives around me now. And I for sure want to make it a good one. So here's to a new school year of unending possibilities, being the top-dog, and yet making an extra effort to reach out to those around me. I pray God makes it a good one. :)

Anyway, I've really just rambled a lot today... I meant to try and write something inspiring or insightful, but we all know how my plans work out. :)

So I'll leave you with this: Sometimes we plan things in life, sometimes we get too comforatable in life, and sometimes things go wrong. But in all of this we must remember one thing: Man proposes, but God disposes.

Learning to trust in His judgement is the most important lesson to learn along the way. He's smarter than you'll ever be (shocking isn't it), He knows what's best for you, He can foresee things you can't, and He has the final say.

If you have a problem with this, just try controling and running your own life without any of His help. I think you'll find you end up in a mess.

Anyway, I shall be going now. I apologize for the bunny-trails. Have a good week! :)

Oh you know...

Jut some more expirimenting with photo editing lately...





Anyway, that's all, just a couple of badly done photos. Ta ta for now :)

Life was meant to be

Not sure exactly what this is supposed to mean...but I was messing with pictures one day and this sort of...happened. So here'y'are, perhaps tell me what you think?

Ciao :)

Dance through the storms

Dance in the rain

Dance when you're down

Dance when you're gay

Dance when you're young

Dance when you're not

Dance through life

Dance, don't stop.


Then maybe someday

your partner will come,

dancing all the way

to the same drum.

But one thing's for sure

and can't be denied

He ain't gonna find you

if you're sittin on the side.


So dance! Dance! Dance!

though the music may die

Dance down the streets

And don't you dare forget to dance down every single bloody grocery-store isle.

The end.

pick your poison

What do you do when you have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day?

Well...I'm not sure exactly. I guess write a blog post...

I'm afraid today was one of those days.

You know, where you spend one part crying, and the other part over-thinking, and the other part putting on too much make up to cover up your tears, and the last part trying to get over your depression by going outside into the beeatiful weather only to be driven back inside by thousands of mosquitoes.

Yeah.

It hasn't been the greatest of days.

And I'm afraid I don't have any encouraging words to tack on the end about how great my Jesus is and how He makes everything better for me all the time.

Today it wouldn't be real; my whole heart wouldn't be in it. And I don't want to write things that aren't real. I feel like that would be lying . . .

It's not that those things aren't true, just that it would be me uselessly spouting facts like a machine. But what can I say? We all have these days don't we?

It's also not that I'm going back to running my spiritual life off of feelings either. I still fully believe God is there, that He loves me, and that He can save and heal. And I will still follow Him whether I feel like it or not.

Just we don't always see the results, or feel His love. Some day we're in the valley of the shadow of death.

What counts is that you still choose to worship Him on those days. That you still declare His everlasting love even when you don't feel it.

But yeah, I guess today would be a valley. With shadows and death parading all around me.

It would be one of those days when you hate yourself.

Yeah I said it. I'm not going to sugar coat anything here in an attempt to make it seem like I never have any problems, never am self-conscious, never depressed. Because I do, and I am, often.

I've also learned something about myself lately: when troubles in life come at me, especially in the form of troubles with friendships and relationships, I can rarely ever get mad at or stay mad at a person for any longer than 24 hours.

No, for me, I just get hurt. Badly. And the hurt that's inflicted stays for days, weeks, even months sometimes. It's like instead of healing it just gets infected and grows worse. I talked to a friend about it, she said she's more of one to get angry and thought that was worse. But when I described how it works for me she thought about it and then said it was just like picking a different poision. And I guess that's true; anger, malicy, bitterness, hate, resentment, jealousy, or depression, hurt, pain, tears, self-pity, self-hatred, are all just different poisions. They all slowly work their way through our systems, eating away at us till we eventually die. Spiritually, emotionally, and even in some cases physically.

Now I'm not saying it's all anywhere near that bad, most of the time we can recover. It's just how long it takes...and how long we hold onto whatever ails us. I guess half the battle is learning to let go...and that's hard to do.

So yeah... that's where I am. Just a lot going on with friends ...(or lack of them) and still struggling to get over the boy that broke my heart.

yeah....anyway, I guess I could use a lot of prayer.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Farewell.

Change

It's amazing how a little cool front with a nice breeze can change your whole perspective on life.

Today the weather changed. It'd been hot. Really hot. "Welcome to hell" kind of hot. But it is Texas so you won't find me complaining.

In fact I do often enjoy sitting out in the over-bearing sun sometimes. When you get just a bit too chilly inside so you go sit out in the grass and immediately your entire skin is covered by goosebumps. As if the sharp change in the temperature leaves your body unsure as to whether it's cold or hot. Yeah, I enjoy that feeling.

But today when I walked out I was greeted by a pretty gift-wrapped little surprise.

The air felt cool.

I was amazed. I hadn't felt a cool breeze in ages. I drank it in as I shivered (little people get cold easier.)

Later in the day the sun reached it's apex. It warmed the cool earth below creating a perfect sun-shiney feeling with just the right amount of cool breezes in the air. I got the feeling that I just had to do something! And suddenly, I knew what it was:

Bike riding! A sport neglected by me for years (actual years lol) because I had always been too lazy, too cold, or too hot, was finally calling to me. Excitedly I ran and found my old bike in the shed, quickly pumped fresh air into both tires, puzzled over how to raise the seat, realized I would need tools, figured out what tools, and used those tools to painstakingly-with-hard-manual-labor raise the seat. I then, when finshed, stood up with previously-mentioned tools raised above my head and declared loudly to the entire neighborhood that "Yes! I can use tools!"

Then after putting those same tools away, an ever-growing sense of accomplishment flooded over me as I rode my bike up and down the street with pride, braided hair flapping behind me. I felt like I should be in a movie. :)

I then, to perserve my good mood as well as spread it to others went and did some much-asked-for chores that my parents had been nagging me about for a while.

I then proudly, with face beaming, announced my accomplishments to my said-parental units as I soaked in their smiling faces.

Then, in an effort to be extra produtive on this fine day, I asked my dad to show me everything he'd been wanting to show me for a while about the car, before I get my license. It took an hour but I courageously actually tried to process everything he said. As well as try and comprehend all the endless terms about what goes where and powers what and what that thing is called and how many times your supposed to check this etc... Did I mention I also learned to change a tire on my own? :D

Haha anyway, on a more serious note, the day didn't start off as grand as all that.

Actually, it started with me cramping and getting into fights with my parents. Not so great.

But when I went outside to cool off afterwards (figuritively and literally) God grabbed my attention with a cool breeze and made my day by what He said.

I was down, I was lonely, I felt sick, mad, lonely and was still ever-hurting from past ...erm, things. I was in a rut that I felt I could never get out of and was just over all feeling like an unredeemable sinner with no friends and whom nobody liked.

But you know, God never lets us stay in a rut, does He? For He then proceeded to tell me how much He liked me and how, if God likes you a whole lot, why does it matter if anyone else does or doesn't?

I then fired back, I argued and told Him all the things wrong with me and why I'm such a horrible person whom no one likes.

He then listed a long list of all the things He liked and loved best about me. Saying all sorts of encouraging things and building me up like only God can. I left that spot with a renewed attitude toward life and all my problems.

Thank God for His goodness :)

God has better for me.

Haha how it excites me so to hear that.

He's got better for me!

Haha yeah, that's how much He loves me. Even when I can't seem to see anything better anywhere else, He's got it. Stored up and waiting for me.

He just loves me that much.

Our God does not put us through hardships with no hope of rescue or better things to come. Even when Job had everything taken from him, he stayed faithful to God and was blessed in the end with an even greater abundance than before.

That's all it really is in the end folks:

Trusting God.

Knowing that He will remain faithful.

Knowing that He will come through, no matter what.

For He is greater than all the problems in the world combined.

He is bigger than every mountain of affliction, than every ocean of suffering.

And even when we're in the midst of our troubles, and it seems they will last forever, we can never stop trusting in God. For He is our Saviour and will rescue us in the end. No matter what.

Then His blessings will flow over us unendingly and His grace shall reign forever.

And those blessings even start now. They come with a freedom in Christ. A freedom from pain and suffering and sin. A letting go of the terrors of the past to turn around and run to the everlasting pleasure found only in Christ.

He lives.

He loves.

He is faithful.

Psalm 93:4

"The LORD on high is mightier

Than the noise of many waters,

Than the mighty waves of the sea."



Our God is mightier.

Than any storm in your life.

Than any time you feel you are being drowned under the weight of some affliction.

Than any time you feel like God's not there and you can't hear his voice above the shouting of the waters.

The Lord, who reigns on high, is mightier.