Hot Chocolate

Brown and Fuzzy
Warming me down to my toes.
Wiggling those same appendages
Smiling away all my woes.

I went to the orthodontist today...poetic oppurtunity? I think yes.

Tick tock
I hear a clock
invisible unseen
Shifting glances
moving bodies
Next!
drills
a movie plays
Lights glare
people stare
enter your name
wait
wait
Next!
wait
wait
Then hear my name
get up
to wait some more
wait
My name again
awkward glances
stiff conversation
lowering
cowering
drills
poky things
hands in my mouth
how am I supposed to answer your questions with your hands in my mouth?!?
smell latex
taste latex
jerk
prod
poke
cought my lip
poke again
OW!
sorry
oops
-__-
wait
different latexed
hands
same mouth
mine.
grrurgh
how were your holidays?
mffghhrgulre
thats nice
orders
pain
stiffness
tensing
over
more pain
stiff tensing
concentration
over
done yet?
laughter
-__-

Standing.
Alone in sea of faces.
A sea of stories, jokes, and laughter.
A sea of which I was not invited.
I am sinking.

The whole world's an inside joke
of which I am standing
outside looking in
wondering
what it would feel like
to be normal.

They turn on me.
I'm noticed now!
But accepted?
Hoo Hah.
They are not the same thing.

Words peirce like daggers
shattering the fragile skin and bones
of my heart.

And it's all a joke.
In a moment it's over.
But the words hang in my mind.
Like moldy wet clothes.
The world has moved on
left me holding its insults
in the guises of sarcasm and jokes.
And "No offense"s.

Am I always to be the bunt of somebody's joke?
With sharp tipped word-arrows
supposedly dulled by a thin covering
of chocolate coated
"You know we don't really mean it."s

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will peirce forever

A post for you [a boy I once knew]

I've been thinking about you more often lately.

I'm not sure why. For a while there my head was a clear as the sky and my heart as free as a bird.
But lately fate has seen fit to return me to those seemingly forgotten memories that were actually just stored up in the back of my head.

It's not so much painful longing as it used to be. In the days when my heart still felt as though it were chained to yours, a long ways away, yet constantly yanking my thoughts and tugging on my emotion, weighing me down.

No, now it's more like... a thoughtful mulling, dull wishing, uncertainly remembering, detatched sadness, thoughtful reminiscing, I can't quite pin the word. It's like it's not so much that it hurts to remember, because it doesn't... Well ok, that's a lie. Sometimes it still hurts. But not like it did... No, it's more like acceptance of what has passed, mixed with slight sadness that it's all over, mixed with happy memories, mixed with uncertainty of what lies ahead...

That was terrible. I've never been so at a loss to describe how I feel.

...I'm not gonna post this. This will stay a draft of thoughts. Like a letter never sent. Yes, that's what this shall be.

So how are you? Are you happy, safe, well, comfortable, ... loved by someone new?

Pshh, who am I kidding. Of course you're loved by someone new, probably several. Probably even several you don't even know about.

... I was thinking about you today. Mostly because I saw someone that looked very similar to you.... except he had a mustache ...

. . . don't grow a mustache.

Anyway, he did the same thing with his mouth as you do sometimes. Turning his lips in and pressing them together as he walked. I guess I never really consciously noticed that about you...but here I am recalling it whilst staring at a stranger. I notice strange things...

I can't help but wonder how you would treat me if you saw me now. I mean, if you saw me tomorrow, would you talk to me? Would you be awkward around me? Would you come up and joke as if nothing had ever happened? I think that's the thing I would prefer least. I'd rather you'd ignore me than that...that way at least I know you still acknowledge what happened between us and that you still think about it. That you haven't completely written off the small mark I made in the story of your life...

Do you ever think about me? Do you ever see a girl that reminds you of me and are momentarily saddened with an onslaught of memories? That happens to me sometimes... Are you ever reminded of my existence? Do you ever pause and give me thought? Are you ever ladened with memories of my laugh, my eyes, my voice, or the feel of my body relaxing into your arms?

Achlghg. Who am I kidding. If you were ladened with memories of past girls you've been with you'd have a thousand moments saddening you a day. And you are so full of life and fun, you must have learned somehow to extirpate yourself of those things. You were probably completely rid of my presence in your head the week afterwards... after that night...

... were you?

are you?

Do you ever remember?

Long?


Feel?

ahdkahjsd. I carry too much hope.