Brown and Fuzzy
Warming me down to my toes.
Wiggling those same appendages
Smiling away all my woes.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I went to the orthodontist today...poetic oppurtunity? I think yes.
Tick tock
I hear a clock
invisible unseen
Shifting glances
moving bodies
Next!
drills
a movie plays
Lights glare
people stare
enter your name
wait
wait
Next!
wait
wait
Then hear my name
get up
to wait some more
wait
My name again
awkward glances
stiff conversation
lowering
cowering
drills
poky things
hands in my mouth
how am I supposed to answer your questions with your hands in my mouth?!?
smell latex
taste latex
jerk
prod
poke
cought my lip
poke again
OW!
sorry
oops
-__-
wait
different latexed
hands
same mouth
mine.
grrurgh
how were your holidays?
mffghhrgulre
thats nice
orders
pain
stiffness
tensing
over
more pain
stiff tensing
concentration
over
done yet?
laughter
-__-
I hear a clock
invisible unseen
Shifting glances
moving bodies
Next!
drills
a movie plays
Lights glare
people stare
enter your name
wait
wait
Next!
wait
wait
Then hear my name
get up
to wait some more
wait
My name again
awkward glances
stiff conversation
lowering
cowering
drills
poky things
hands in my mouth
how am I supposed to answer your questions with your hands in my mouth?!?
smell latex
taste latex
jerk
prod
poke
cought my lip
poke again
OW!
sorry
oops
-__-
wait
different latexed
hands
same mouth
mine.
grrurgh
how were your holidays?
mffghhrgulre
thats nice
orders
pain
stiffness
tensing
over
more pain
stiff tensing
concentration
over
done yet?
laughter
-__-
Standing.
Alone in sea of faces.
A sea of stories, jokes, and laughter.
A sea of which I was not invited.
I am sinking.
The whole world's an inside joke
of which I am standing
outside looking in
wondering
what it would feel like
to be normal.
They turn on me.
I'm noticed now!
But accepted?
Hoo Hah.
They are not the same thing.
Words peirce like daggers
shattering the fragile skin and bones
of my heart.
And it's all a joke.
In a moment it's over.
But the words hang in my mind.
Like moldy wet clothes.
The world has moved on
left me holding its insults
in the guises of sarcasm and jokes.
And "No offense"s.
Am I always to be the bunt of somebody's joke?
With sharp tipped word-arrows
supposedly dulled by a thin covering
of chocolate coated
"You know we don't really mean it."s
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will peirce forever
Alone in sea of faces.
A sea of stories, jokes, and laughter.
A sea of which I was not invited.
I am sinking.
The whole world's an inside joke
of which I am standing
outside looking in
wondering
what it would feel like
to be normal.
They turn on me.
I'm noticed now!
But accepted?
Hoo Hah.
They are not the same thing.
Words peirce like daggers
shattering the fragile skin and bones
of my heart.
And it's all a joke.
In a moment it's over.
But the words hang in my mind.
Like moldy wet clothes.
The world has moved on
left me holding its insults
in the guises of sarcasm and jokes.
And "No offense"s.
Am I always to be the bunt of somebody's joke?
With sharp tipped word-arrows
supposedly dulled by a thin covering
of chocolate coated
"You know we don't really mean it."s
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will peirce forever
Thursday, December 8, 2011
A post for you [a boy I once knew]
I've been thinking about you more often lately.
I'm not sure why. For a while there my head was a clear as the sky and my heart as free as a bird.
But lately fate has seen fit to return me to those seemingly forgotten memories that were actually just stored up in the back of my head.
It's not so much painful longing as it used to be. In the days when my heart still felt as though it were chained to yours, a long ways away, yet constantly yanking my thoughts and tugging on my emotion, weighing me down.
No, now it's more like... a thoughtful mulling, dull wishing, uncertainly remembering, detatched sadness, thoughtful reminiscing, I can't quite pin the word. It's like it's not so much that it hurts to remember, because it doesn't... Well ok, that's a lie. Sometimes it still hurts. But not like it did... No, it's more like acceptance of what has passed, mixed with slight sadness that it's all over, mixed with happy memories, mixed with uncertainty of what lies ahead...
That was terrible. I've never been so at a loss to describe how I feel.
...I'm not gonna post this. This will stay a draft of thoughts. Like a letter never sent. Yes, that's what this shall be.
So how are you? Are you happy, safe, well, comfortable, ... loved by someone new?
Pshh, who am I kidding. Of course you're loved by someone new, probably several. Probably even several you don't even know about.
... I was thinking about you today. Mostly because I saw someone that looked very similar to you.... except he had a mustache ...
. . . don't grow a mustache.
Anyway, he did the same thing with his mouth as you do sometimes. Turning his lips in and pressing them together as he walked. I guess I never really consciously noticed that about you...but here I am recalling it whilst staring at a stranger. I notice strange things...
I can't help but wonder how you would treat me if you saw me now. I mean, if you saw me tomorrow, would you talk to me? Would you be awkward around me? Would you come up and joke as if nothing had ever happened? I think that's the thing I would prefer least. I'd rather you'd ignore me than that...that way at least I know you still acknowledge what happened between us and that you still think about it. That you haven't completely written off the small mark I made in the story of your life...
Do you ever think about me? Do you ever see a girl that reminds you of me and are momentarily saddened with an onslaught of memories? That happens to me sometimes... Are you ever reminded of my existence? Do you ever pause and give me thought? Are you ever ladened with memories of my laugh, my eyes, my voice, or the feel of my body relaxing into your arms?
Achlghg. Who am I kidding. If you were ladened with memories of past girls you've been with you'd have a thousand moments saddening you a day. And you are so full of life and fun, you must have learned somehow to extirpate yourself of those things. You were probably completely rid of my presence in your head the week afterwards... after that night...
... were you?
are you?
Do you ever remember?
Long?
Feel?
ahdkahjsd. I carry too much hope.
I'm not sure why. For a while there my head was a clear as the sky and my heart as free as a bird.
But lately fate has seen fit to return me to those seemingly forgotten memories that were actually just stored up in the back of my head.
It's not so much painful longing as it used to be. In the days when my heart still felt as though it were chained to yours, a long ways away, yet constantly yanking my thoughts and tugging on my emotion, weighing me down.
No, now it's more like... a thoughtful mulling, dull wishing, uncertainly remembering, detatched sadness, thoughtful reminiscing, I can't quite pin the word. It's like it's not so much that it hurts to remember, because it doesn't... Well ok, that's a lie. Sometimes it still hurts. But not like it did... No, it's more like acceptance of what has passed, mixed with slight sadness that it's all over, mixed with happy memories, mixed with uncertainty of what lies ahead...
That was terrible. I've never been so at a loss to describe how I feel.
...I'm not gonna post this. This will stay a draft of thoughts. Like a letter never sent. Yes, that's what this shall be.
So how are you? Are you happy, safe, well, comfortable, ... loved by someone new?
Pshh, who am I kidding. Of course you're loved by someone new, probably several. Probably even several you don't even know about.
... I was thinking about you today. Mostly because I saw someone that looked very similar to you.... except he had a mustache ...
. . . don't grow a mustache.
Anyway, he did the same thing with his mouth as you do sometimes. Turning his lips in and pressing them together as he walked. I guess I never really consciously noticed that about you...but here I am recalling it whilst staring at a stranger. I notice strange things...
I can't help but wonder how you would treat me if you saw me now. I mean, if you saw me tomorrow, would you talk to me? Would you be awkward around me? Would you come up and joke as if nothing had ever happened? I think that's the thing I would prefer least. I'd rather you'd ignore me than that...that way at least I know you still acknowledge what happened between us and that you still think about it. That you haven't completely written off the small mark I made in the story of your life...
Do you ever think about me? Do you ever see a girl that reminds you of me and are momentarily saddened with an onslaught of memories? That happens to me sometimes... Are you ever reminded of my existence? Do you ever pause and give me thought? Are you ever ladened with memories of my laugh, my eyes, my voice, or the feel of my body relaxing into your arms?
Achlghg. Who am I kidding. If you were ladened with memories of past girls you've been with you'd have a thousand moments saddening you a day. And you are so full of life and fun, you must have learned somehow to extirpate yourself of those things. You were probably completely rid of my presence in your head the week afterwards... after that night...
... were you?
are you?
Do you ever remember?
Long?
Feel?
ahdkahjsd. I carry too much hope.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Un-abridged
Oh my. Well you see, after my poem was lost, I decided to go back out in the cold. I knew my poem would never be the same, or have the same affect as the first time if I had tried to redo it. So the best option I had was to start afresh, go back to the drawing board, and let my creativity flow wherever the wind wanted to take it. And of course, I was smart this time and took a good 'ole fashion notebook and pencil. The outcome was more of a...systematic ramble than a poem. But I thought I'd put it up. Warning: this is the unedited word-for-word copy of an un-controled flow of my imagination. Enter at own risk.
Oh Winter, inspire me.
Oh Frost, incite me.
Oh Wind, inhale me.
That the world would never chew me up, and spit me out: "cultured."
What if we?
Stayed unintelligent: our only teachers, God and nature.
Bibles and pineapples our only sustenance.
What drives you? Everyone has something.
Is it what it should be?
Warmth is in the blood of the beholder.
Chill is an over-reaching enemy.
The sun is an undecided ally.
The wind a friend and a foe.
An undiscovered bliss of shy betrayal.
Clouds a depressing indecisive tool. Yet a beauty when coupled with Mr. Sun. Yes, they'd win the "cutest couple" award.
My thoughts stream like the wind: A million places in the world at once. And yet continuous wave of reliability - all the same feel, just different speeds.
My heart is a cloud. Always moving, undecided which way it wants to go, no permanent home. Not yet. But, in the meantime, not willing to give themselves up wholly to one emotion, feeling, weather pattern, person. Having its beautiful moments, and its gray ones. Sometimes rain, but sometimes snow and sunsets. Sometimes absent from the situation at hand. Always drawn by a good song - like blue sky. A resting place for the stars.
It's best friends with the sun, although they, like any relationship, have their tiffs, sometimes battling to outshine the other.
My mind is the sun. Bright. It's not conceited to admit it. It's just how God created it. A million thoughts can course through, sun storms, yet it will always remain relatively unchanged. Sometimes it is covered by clouds, my emotions: my heart. Sometimes they exist together in a happy medium - as it should be - a life without clouds would be an awfully long hot draught. An unfeeling soul.
My soul.
My soul is hidden. It is the air. Existing all around - no matter what - whether I believe in it or not, never being seen because it is hidden in God's heart.
My spirit. My spirit is not of the weather nor atmosphere. My spirit is flowers in spring. My spirit is the green grass in England. My spirit is a bouncing melody on a cheery day. My spirit is playful snow in mounds. It is piled up fall leaves on the ground. It is an afternoon fire in the dead of winter. It is hot chocolate on a rainy day. It is puddles left behind for children to jump in. It is two hands holding. It is fingernails chewed in excited anticipation. It is a young child that just lost their first tooth.It is a painting on display, as well as a hidden masterpiece seen by no one but the creator. It is a light to the world.
Like glow sticks in the dark.
My physical body is just that. Walking around, small, un-noticed by a majority of the world, who don't know that this small package that I am contains the clouds, the sun, the wind, flowers, fire, rain, hot chocolate, songs, grass, puddles, paintings, and light.
. . But they will know. . . . Some day.
Oh Winter, inspire me.
Oh Frost, incite me.
Oh Wind, inhale me.
That the world would never chew me up, and spit me out: "cultured."
What if we?
Stayed unintelligent: our only teachers, God and nature.
Bibles and pineapples our only sustenance.
What drives you? Everyone has something.
Is it what it should be?
Warmth is in the blood of the beholder.
Chill is an over-reaching enemy.
The sun is an undecided ally.
The wind a friend and a foe.
An undiscovered bliss of shy betrayal.
Clouds a depressing indecisive tool. Yet a beauty when coupled with Mr. Sun. Yes, they'd win the "cutest couple" award.
My thoughts stream like the wind: A million places in the world at once. And yet continuous wave of reliability - all the same feel, just different speeds.
My heart is a cloud. Always moving, undecided which way it wants to go, no permanent home. Not yet. But, in the meantime, not willing to give themselves up wholly to one emotion, feeling, weather pattern, person. Having its beautiful moments, and its gray ones. Sometimes rain, but sometimes snow and sunsets. Sometimes absent from the situation at hand. Always drawn by a good song - like blue sky. A resting place for the stars.
It's best friends with the sun, although they, like any relationship, have their tiffs, sometimes battling to outshine the other.
My mind is the sun. Bright. It's not conceited to admit it. It's just how God created it. A million thoughts can course through, sun storms, yet it will always remain relatively unchanged. Sometimes it is covered by clouds, my emotions: my heart. Sometimes they exist together in a happy medium - as it should be - a life without clouds would be an awfully long hot draught. An unfeeling soul.
My soul.
My soul is hidden. It is the air. Existing all around - no matter what - whether I believe in it or not, never being seen because it is hidden in God's heart.
My spirit. My spirit is not of the weather nor atmosphere. My spirit is flowers in spring. My spirit is the green grass in England. My spirit is a bouncing melody on a cheery day. My spirit is playful snow in mounds. It is piled up fall leaves on the ground. It is an afternoon fire in the dead of winter. It is hot chocolate on a rainy day. It is puddles left behind for children to jump in. It is two hands holding. It is fingernails chewed in excited anticipation. It is a young child that just lost their first tooth.It is a painting on display, as well as a hidden masterpiece seen by no one but the creator. It is a light to the world.
Like glow sticks in the dark.
My physical body is just that. Walking around, small, un-noticed by a majority of the world, who don't know that this small package that I am contains the clouds, the sun, the wind, flowers, fire, rain, hot chocolate, songs, grass, puddles, paintings, and light.
. . But they will know. . . . Some day.
A beginning
A coat my calling
the chill my incentive
the wind my coaxer
the sun my guide.
Yet the chill awakens me
incites my blood to riot
causes my body to shudder
refusing to move
Okay peoples, I'm depressed as of right this moment. I went outside in the freezing weather, with super high speed winds, not even wearing any shoes, to experience the feeling of chill and write a poem about it. The words came more easily than I've ever experienced and out came one of the best poems I've ever written. I pressed publish post and ran inside as fast as my frozen feet could carry me. But, much to my chagrin, horror, and broken-heartedness, it was all gone but the first two verses. A cry of "bad things!!!" (literally that's what I said) escaped me and then I just sat staring at a computer that refused to return to what I had created. So this my friends, is a beginning. The first two lines of an inspiration that just had gotten better and better as I continued. *crest-fallen sigh*. Anyway, enjoy a beginning. And perhaps, the next time the wind is roaring and the cold is creeping, you can finish it yourself.
the chill my incentive
the wind my coaxer
the sun my guide.
Yet the chill awakens me
incites my blood to riot
causes my body to shudder
refusing to move
Okay peoples, I'm depressed as of right this moment. I went outside in the freezing weather, with super high speed winds, not even wearing any shoes, to experience the feeling of chill and write a poem about it. The words came more easily than I've ever experienced and out came one of the best poems I've ever written. I pressed publish post and ran inside as fast as my frozen feet could carry me. But, much to my chagrin, horror, and broken-heartedness, it was all gone but the first two verses. A cry of "bad things!!!" (literally that's what I said) escaped me and then I just sat staring at a computer that refused to return to what I had created. So this my friends, is a beginning. The first two lines of an inspiration that just had gotten better and better as I continued. *crest-fallen sigh*. Anyway, enjoy a beginning. And perhaps, the next time the wind is roaring and the cold is creeping, you can finish it yourself.
The wind: a symphony of sensations.
The wind inspires me. If I was in avatar, I'd most definitely be an air-bender. Just something in the wind awakens and stirs in me my innate desire to just jump into it and fly away. I believe I've talked about my fascination with flight before, so I won't bore you with another blog post on the same subject, but anyway, just saying. There's a dreamer inside me that steps a foot outside everytime there's wind rushing around me. Perhaps I'll move somewhere on a cliff someday, so that every morning I can rush out and stand on the edge and feel the wind dance around me and the waves roar below. A symphony of sensations.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanks Giving
friends.family.food.shelter.nice-stuff.clothes.electricity.warmth.shoes.socks.deoderant.make-up.married-parents.love.love.love.confidence.functioning-body-parts.the-gifts-of-singing/dancing/acting/ukulele-playing/song-writing/creativity/painting/drawing/art/photography.passion.hope.a-future.inspiration.education.finances.cell-phone.music.entertainment.hats.style.hair.teeth.big-eyes.long-eyelashes.contacts.doctors.computers.books.spiritual-gifts.a-bed.art-supplies.stuffed-animals.snow.imagination.thoughts.dreams.ambitions.life.power.potential.senses.sensations.sun-sets.beauty-of-the-world.beauty-of-life.beauty-of-me.tigers.liguid.oxygen.fingernails.shampoo.heated-water.musicals.flowers.wind.wonderful-earthy-dirt.bread.clean-water.bacon.ice-cream-snickers-bars.ice-skating.A-choice-to-choose-God.redemption.forgiveness.whole-ness.feet-to-walk-on.stories.jokes.humor.colors.light.wonder.curiosity.intuition.wisdom.maturity.cats.Christmas.joy.joy.joy.peace.a-solid-foundation.weather.atmosphere.sun-shine.moon.stars.whole-ness.a-conscience.happiness.freedom.slavery-to-Jesus.nature.cool-breezes.treasures.dance.thumbs.hair-tie-band-things.curly-hair.dr.peppers.mouths.breath.air.blue-sky.flight.cars.pillows.feathers.containers.the-wheel.encouragement.hope.
And most of all a creator of the universe who spefically knows everything about me and loves me unconditionally. Who died for me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
And most of all a creator of the universe who spefically knows everything about me and loves me unconditionally. Who died for me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Fall
Fall is here.
Cool weather. Cool air. Exciting feelings.
Like the whole world knows winter is coming.
Like a preperation for snow or an invitation to go jumping in leaves.
Listening to Florence and the Machine and dwelling in the comforting coolness of family all around.
Thanksgiving. Christmas. Only goodness in sight.
That's all, my lovelies, farewell! Stop reading this blog or anything on the computer and run out in your yard, shivering from head to toe, then run back in as fast as warmth can call you and sip some hot chocolate with extra tiny marshmellows and read a good book. Orders from non-doctor Anna. Ta ta!
Cool weather. Cool air. Exciting feelings.
Like the whole world knows winter is coming.
Like a preperation for snow or an invitation to go jumping in leaves.
Listening to Florence and the Machine and dwelling in the comforting coolness of family all around.
Thanksgiving. Christmas. Only goodness in sight.
That's all, my lovelies, farewell! Stop reading this blog or anything on the computer and run out in your yard, shivering from head to toe, then run back in as fast as warmth can call you and sip some hot chocolate with extra tiny marshmellows and read a good book. Orders from non-doctor Anna. Ta ta!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I've been home alone almost this whole weekend.
It's given me lots of time for thought...although I haven't used a lot of it. I've rather shirked thought lately for the most part. If I think I get stressed with all the things I must do, and with all the things that still haunt me from the past. But if I don't think I live quite contentedly and happily in the now. The present. This moment. Hakuna Matata.
The problem is, in that movie, Simba learned that Hakuna Matata doesn't actually solve anything. It's really just running from your past, and shirking the responsibilities of the future.
Sure, as christians we're not supposed to worry about tomorrow, but that doesn't mean we sit around and not do anything about tomorrow. That doesn't mean we don't plan, save, and prepare. Just that we don't get stressed, worried.
So I guess I'm still trying to find that happy medium.
Of grabbing your future by the horns but not getting thrown off the bull into a sea of anxieties.
Otherwise, certain things have happened lately shoving long forgotten memories in my face. ....The boy is showing me attention again. In a very tiny no-one-should-really-get-worked-up-over-this way, but still...
So I decided to just give God the situation and melt away by worshipping Him. It's so much easier than solving my problems on my own.
So anyway, nothing much of consequence to say today. Learning lots of lessons myself, and learning most of all how to trust in Him. Incredibely hard. Extremely rewarding.
That's all. Adieu.
It's given me lots of time for thought...although I haven't used a lot of it. I've rather shirked thought lately for the most part. If I think I get stressed with all the things I must do, and with all the things that still haunt me from the past. But if I don't think I live quite contentedly and happily in the now. The present. This moment. Hakuna Matata.
The problem is, in that movie, Simba learned that Hakuna Matata doesn't actually solve anything. It's really just running from your past, and shirking the responsibilities of the future.
Sure, as christians we're not supposed to worry about tomorrow, but that doesn't mean we sit around and not do anything about tomorrow. That doesn't mean we don't plan, save, and prepare. Just that we don't get stressed, worried.
So I guess I'm still trying to find that happy medium.
Of grabbing your future by the horns but not getting thrown off the bull into a sea of anxieties.
Otherwise, certain things have happened lately shoving long forgotten memories in my face. ....The boy is showing me attention again. In a very tiny no-one-should-really-get-worked-up-over-this way, but still...
So I decided to just give God the situation and melt away by worshipping Him. It's so much easier than solving my problems on my own.
So anyway, nothing much of consequence to say today. Learning lots of lessons myself, and learning most of all how to trust in Him. Incredibely hard. Extremely rewarding.
That's all. Adieu.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
For you.
I haven't written anything with any weight lately. And it's not that I don't still have inspirational thoughts and revelation, I just . . . I guess I've become more interested in writing silly stories about flighty emotions, and other useless things. . .
But!
The good news is, that is far from what my life is actually like right now! So, I thought I'd take a moment to clue you in to some of my revelations from my 'me and Jesus!' times. :)
He loves us.
No duh! you say laughing. But no.
He really loves us.
I was sitting in my room thinking about how I can never seem to stop sinning and about how I mess up so much. I was on this track, thinking about all the times I've been at my lowest spiritually, when God showed me something I had never thought about before.
When we're at our worst moment, in our deepest sins, in our deepest pain, and absolutely turned against God;
that's when He died for us.
He didn't stoop Himself to die for us all the while thinking about our very best behaviors and that He could maybe bare to go through torture for those that love Him most.
No. He died for the blackest of sinners, at their worst times. He took on every single one of our sins.
He didn't die to save good people. He died to save you and me.
He died for you in your worst moments.
He loves you in your worst moments. Enough to go through indescribable pain for you.
For you.
Amazing isn't it! It was an incredibely freeing thought for me. To know that no matter how badly I mess up, God still loves me. A love beyond words. Beyond anything you or I have ever felt. That's how He feels about you.
Anyway, I hope you take that to heart. Well, I suppose that's all for now. Have a wonderful inspiring week. Ta ta :)
But!
The good news is, that is far from what my life is actually like right now! So, I thought I'd take a moment to clue you in to some of my revelations from my 'me and Jesus!' times. :)
He loves us.
No duh! you say laughing. But no.
He really loves us.
I was sitting in my room thinking about how I can never seem to stop sinning and about how I mess up so much. I was on this track, thinking about all the times I've been at my lowest spiritually, when God showed me something I had never thought about before.
When we're at our worst moment, in our deepest sins, in our deepest pain, and absolutely turned against God;
that's when He died for us.
He didn't stoop Himself to die for us all the while thinking about our very best behaviors and that He could maybe bare to go through torture for those that love Him most.
No. He died for the blackest of sinners, at their worst times. He took on every single one of our sins.
He didn't die to save good people. He died to save you and me.
He died for you in your worst moments.
He loves you in your worst moments. Enough to go through indescribable pain for you.
For you.
Amazing isn't it! It was an incredibely freeing thought for me. To know that no matter how badly I mess up, God still loves me. A love beyond words. Beyond anything you or I have ever felt. That's how He feels about you.
Anyway, I hope you take that to heart. Well, I suppose that's all for now. Have a wonderful inspiring week. Ta ta :)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Welcome, November.
"The quietest people have the loudest minds."
I don't know who said this. Or rather, I forgot. Yet on a day like today, the whos, whats, hows, whens, commasspacesperiodsetc. . . . don't seem to matter much.
My brain is only digesting feelings, experiences, abstract thoughts, and rambling emotions. If I don't stay my hand, a thousand pretty pictures would turn out. Although you wouldn't be able to tell what any of them are . . . only foreign swirls, dreamy cloudy looking objects, and vibrant dancing colors. Dreamy. Abstract Lost. Lovingly. Lonely. Notofthisworld. Loudlyquiet. Happilyserene. Inspirationalsilence. Those are the words to describe a day like today.
Well, if this is any indication of how my November shall be, I welcome it with an open heart, and full-fleshed smile, and flowing thoughts of hearty ease.
Most of this doesn't make sense. But I think it's good for us to take a step back and acknowledge that some things just don't make sense sometimes.
For perhaps, those are the things that will make the most sense of all, in the end.
I can't wait for the ending. It's like reading a wonderful book; you just love it so much, you can't wait to find out how it resolves, and yet you never want it to end.
Yes, I think that's how life was meant to be viewed. Waiting excitedly for the glorious ending, but enjoying the abundace, the simple yet wonderful pleasures of every day life. I am rambling.
Love.Warmth.Light.Bokeh.Hearts.Hugs.Hotchocolate.Warmapplecider.Crispcoolair.Freedom.Wind.Fire.Earth.Pools.Dirt.Puppies.Kittens.Tigers.Majestic.Wonder.Beauty.Affection.Safety.Heartyhello's.Art.Dreamy.Wonder.Exuberence.Quiet.Mist.Woods.Fields.Grass.Reading.Smellsofmemories.Browneyes.Warmembraces.Family.Goodfriends.Alonetime.Mountaintops.Comfortingvalleys.Stars.Longwalksonthebeach.Nostalgia.Sweetmusic.Hauntingmelodies.swirlingcolors.Blush.Flying.Soaring.Wandering.Adventure.Heaven.Perfection.
The End.
I don't know who said this. Or rather, I forgot. Yet on a day like today, the whos, whats, hows, whens, commasspacesperiodsetc. . . . don't seem to matter much.
My brain is only digesting feelings, experiences, abstract thoughts, and rambling emotions. If I don't stay my hand, a thousand pretty pictures would turn out. Although you wouldn't be able to tell what any of them are . . . only foreign swirls, dreamy cloudy looking objects, and vibrant dancing colors. Dreamy. Abstract Lost. Lovingly. Lonely. Notofthisworld. Loudlyquiet. Happilyserene. Inspirationalsilence. Those are the words to describe a day like today.
Well, if this is any indication of how my November shall be, I welcome it with an open heart, and full-fleshed smile, and flowing thoughts of hearty ease.
Most of this doesn't make sense. But I think it's good for us to take a step back and acknowledge that some things just don't make sense sometimes.
For perhaps, those are the things that will make the most sense of all, in the end.
I can't wait for the ending. It's like reading a wonderful book; you just love it so much, you can't wait to find out how it resolves, and yet you never want it to end.
Yes, I think that's how life was meant to be viewed. Waiting excitedly for the glorious ending, but enjoying the abundace, the simple yet wonderful pleasures of every day life. I am rambling.
Love.Warmth.Light.Bokeh.Hearts.Hugs.Hotchocolate.Warmapplecider.Crispcoolair.Freedom.Wind.Fire.Earth.Pools.Dirt.Puppies.Kittens.Tigers.Majestic.Wonder.Beauty.Affection.Safety.Heartyhello's.Art.Dreamy.Wonder.Exuberence.Quiet.Mist.Woods.Fields.Grass.Reading.Smellsofmemories.Browneyes.Warmembraces.Family.Goodfriends.Alonetime.Mountaintops.Comfortingvalleys.Stars.Longwalksonthebeach.Nostalgia.Sweetmusic.Hauntingmelodies.swirlingcolors.Blush.Flying.Soaring.Wandering.Adventure.Heaven.Perfection.
The End.
The world of the wind.
The wind is pulling at me. I soak it in as it whips my hair every which way. Pulling it in every direction. My hand flies up to my head, staying my hat, keeping it from dancing away. It's a wonderful feeling. A strange feeling. Constricting and freeing all at once. It's as if the wind is pushing me, bullying my feet away from their intended path, rudely shoving me along. And yet, at the same time, I feel that if I just let go, just give in, I could soar a thousand miles away. Over buildings and tree-tops. Over oceans and rivers. Across nations and tribes. Away from all known governments. Into the unknown. The world of the winds.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thoughts.Amillionmilesanhour.Enteratownrisk.
I'mexhausted.Awkwardsituationsarethebaneofmyexistence.Ifeelutterlystrange.Whatisthis?Ifeelawkwardandratherlikeahorribleperson.Ohwell,though,itdoesn'tmattercauseI
knowJesusstilllovesmeandisproudofme.Hehassomuchgraceforthemiserable
humanthatIam.IloveHimmorethanlife.Allmythoughtsandfeelingsarehappeningata
millionmilesanhourandIhavenocontroloverthem.Utterandcompleteexhaustion
follows.Ohandbtwgoodluckreadingthis.Sorrybutthisishowmythoughtsworklol.
Hehasanabsolutelygorgeoussmile.ButI'msupposedtobeenjoyingbeingsingle!Goodnessgraciousme,I'maconfusingchild.Therearenospaceshere.Therearenospaceshere.Didyoucatchthat?PerhapsI'mgoingcrazy.Well,thatwouldbeanawefulllybigadventureIsuppose...Jesus
lovesmethisIknowanditisthebestthingI'veeverknown.Iwillrestinthatthoughtno
matterhowawkwardanduncomforatableasituationIamputin.Nomatterhowbadthe
deviltriestomakemefeelaboutmyself.Iamlovedbytheking.TheEnd....Youprobably
couldn'treadanyofthis.Idoapologize.Haveagoodrestofyourdayfreefromthe
unendurablealmostimponderableexperienceofbeinginsidemyhead.Hissmile.Toomuchforwords.Mygoodness.Bye.Youcan'tcatchmenow.Iamofthewind.Tata.Goodbye.
Farewell.Caio.Cheerio.Adeiu.
knowJesusstilllovesmeandisproudofme.Hehassomuchgraceforthemiserable
humanthatIam.IloveHimmorethanlife.Allmythoughtsandfeelingsarehappeningata
millionmilesanhourandIhavenocontroloverthem.Utterandcompleteexhaustion
follows.Ohandbtwgoodluckreadingthis.Sorrybutthisishowmythoughtsworklol.
Hehasanabsolutelygorgeoussmile.ButI'msupposedtobeenjoyingbeingsingle!Goodnessgraciousme,I'maconfusingchild.Therearenospaceshere.Therearenospaceshere.Didyoucatchthat?PerhapsI'mgoingcrazy.Well,thatwouldbeanawefulllybigadventureIsuppose...Jesus
lovesmethisIknowanditisthebestthingI'veeverknown.Iwillrestinthatthoughtno
matterhowawkwardanduncomforatableasituationIamputin.Nomatterhowbadthe
deviltriestomakemefeelaboutmyself.Iamlovedbytheking.TheEnd....Youprobably
couldn'treadanyofthis.Idoapologize.Haveagoodrestofyourdayfreefromthe
unendurablealmostimponderableexperienceofbeinginsidemyhead.Hissmile.Toomuchforwords.Mygoodness.Bye.Youcan'tcatchmenow.Iamofthewind.Tata.Goodbye.
Farewell.Caio.Cheerio.Adeiu.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Pouring out
Drained.
Physically and most definitely emotionally.
Not spiritually, however, I'm still high on my God. In fact, He's probably my only source of energy of late.
I'm just plain tired.I guess I get that way when I spend all day doing my best to pour out into others. Trying to be kind and affectionate in every possible way wears me out. It sure is a good thing I don't go to school everyday of the week. It's so much easier to focus on building up my mother for the day.
Anyway, just so you know, I'm most definitely not complaining. This is the ministry my God has given me for now and I will rejoice in be glad in it. For those who are faithful in little will be given much. And then, in turn, to those much is given, much is required.
If I want God to bless me someday with a big ministry to others through my dream job or whatever He picks, I have to learn how to function with much being required of me, now.
So I pour out. I have made it my mission, especially at my school, to reach out and pour into people as much as possible. My main goal is that people would walk away from a conversation with me feeling uplifted and better about themselves. That they would feel like there is someone that truly cares about how they're feeling, or how their day is going. Of course, although I can only have a deep relationship with a few, I still try to reach out and be friendly to everyone I come in contact with.
I probably fail at this. Every day I'm more aware of all the people I never get a chance to encourage. Of those ones standing in the corner. Of the ones who I don't know well enough to be comforatable going up to and randomely starting a conversation with.
But I also know it's not really about reaching out to every single person I see. I know I'd never be able to do that. The point is that I do not purposely exclude others. That I do not gossip about anyone behind their backs, that I set a good example for the younger ones, and that I uplift others with my conversation.
Now, I would never be able to do this at all were it not the Holy Spirit working in me. It's funny, you can basically tell which weeks I have been reading my bible more simply based off the fact of how I'm treating other people. The more I'm in tune with the spirit, the more His love shines through me. And the less the world is about me. Through the power of Holy Spirit, selfishness can be turned into selfless-ness.
So that's basically it, I'm dead tired cause I spent all day pouring out God's love onto others. But it's a good tired. It's a satisfied, I know God's proud of me-tired.
And let me tell you what, though it may be utterly exhausting, functioning in God's will is the most rewarding thing ever. He is continually pouring out His love and blessings onto you, when you, in return, pour them out to others. It's a nice little circle of love.
And that's the thing: human fatigue will only last a day or two. But perhaps, something said to someone else, showing God's love to them, may last in that persons mind for weeks, months, or maybe even years. That, in itself, is also an amazing reward.
Anyway, too much rambling on my soap-box for now, time to fly the coop. Ta ta.
Physically and most definitely emotionally.
Not spiritually, however, I'm still high on my God. In fact, He's probably my only source of energy of late.
I'm just plain tired.I guess I get that way when I spend all day doing my best to pour out into others. Trying to be kind and affectionate in every possible way wears me out. It sure is a good thing I don't go to school everyday of the week. It's so much easier to focus on building up my mother for the day.
Anyway, just so you know, I'm most definitely not complaining. This is the ministry my God has given me for now and I will rejoice in be glad in it. For those who are faithful in little will be given much. And then, in turn, to those much is given, much is required.
If I want God to bless me someday with a big ministry to others through my dream job or whatever He picks, I have to learn how to function with much being required of me, now.
So I pour out. I have made it my mission, especially at my school, to reach out and pour into people as much as possible. My main goal is that people would walk away from a conversation with me feeling uplifted and better about themselves. That they would feel like there is someone that truly cares about how they're feeling, or how their day is going. Of course, although I can only have a deep relationship with a few, I still try to reach out and be friendly to everyone I come in contact with.
I probably fail at this. Every day I'm more aware of all the people I never get a chance to encourage. Of those ones standing in the corner. Of the ones who I don't know well enough to be comforatable going up to and randomely starting a conversation with.
But I also know it's not really about reaching out to every single person I see. I know I'd never be able to do that. The point is that I do not purposely exclude others. That I do not gossip about anyone behind their backs, that I set a good example for the younger ones, and that I uplift others with my conversation.
Now, I would never be able to do this at all were it not the Holy Spirit working in me. It's funny, you can basically tell which weeks I have been reading my bible more simply based off the fact of how I'm treating other people. The more I'm in tune with the spirit, the more His love shines through me. And the less the world is about me. Through the power of Holy Spirit, selfishness can be turned into selfless-ness.
So that's basically it, I'm dead tired cause I spent all day pouring out God's love onto others. But it's a good tired. It's a satisfied, I know God's proud of me-tired.
And let me tell you what, though it may be utterly exhausting, functioning in God's will is the most rewarding thing ever. He is continually pouring out His love and blessings onto you, when you, in return, pour them out to others. It's a nice little circle of love.
And that's the thing: human fatigue will only last a day or two. But perhaps, something said to someone else, showing God's love to them, may last in that persons mind for weeks, months, or maybe even years. That, in itself, is also an amazing reward.
Anyway, too much rambling on my soap-box for now, time to fly the coop. Ta ta.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Random quotes for your enjoyment...mostly because I found them enjoyable.
"The heart that is soonest awake to the flowers, is always the first to be touched by the thorns." ~Thomas Moore
"A man is himself, plus the books he reads." ~Samuel Parkes Cadman
"Poetry is something that should stir our emotion, or make us think new thoughts; whatever can do neither the one nor the other may be very good verse, but it is not poetry." ~Lafcadio Hearn
"What is a Poet? To whom does he address himself? And what language is to be expected from him? He is a man speaking to men: a man, it is true, endowed with more lively sensibility, more enthusiasm and tenderness, who has a greater knowledge of human nature, and a more comprehensive soul, than are supposed to be common among mankind; a man pleased with his own passions and volitions, and who rejoices more than other men in the spirit of life that is in him; delighting to contemplate similar volitions and passions as manifested in the goings-on of the Universe, and habitually impelled to create them where he does not find them." ~William Wordsworth
"A man is himself, plus the books he reads." ~Samuel Parkes Cadman
"Poetry is something that should stir our emotion, or make us think new thoughts; whatever can do neither the one nor the other may be very good verse, but it is not poetry." ~Lafcadio Hearn
"What is a Poet? To whom does he address himself? And what language is to be expected from him? He is a man speaking to men: a man, it is true, endowed with more lively sensibility, more enthusiasm and tenderness, who has a greater knowledge of human nature, and a more comprehensive soul, than are supposed to be common among mankind; a man pleased with his own passions and volitions, and who rejoices more than other men in the spirit of life that is in him; delighting to contemplate similar volitions and passions as manifested in the goings-on of the Universe, and habitually impelled to create them where he does not find them." ~William Wordsworth
Monday, October 10, 2011
Grace.
So many emotions.
Pent up.
No outlet.
It's so hard to hear Your voice
when my emotions are screaming.
Can't they just shut up?
It's all my fault I know
Bad choices.
Not listening.
I'd rather have fun
than be right with you
again.
And yet You say there's grace?
With all this blood on my hands?
You can wash me clean?
No way.
No chance.
I'm a sinner.
I'll always be.
And You have the gall
to expect more from me?!
I'm fallible!
I can't be good!
I can't be perfect
. . . as I should . . . as I wish I could . . .
Oh God save me.
I can't do this on my own.
Unstop my ears.
Take out the cotton.
Yell some sense into me.
God knows I need it.
I try so hard.
I think I'm good.
Only to realize
I've misunderstood.
I'm doing it on my own again.
Will I ever learn?
No.
So I give up.
Give in to my yearnings.
Then I realize that's not working.
Cause I feel worse and worse.
I'm not listening to you on purpose.
I blame it all on Adam's curse.
Blame blame
deflected from myself.
Isn't that how this all started
back in eden
way back when.
They made mistakes.
They passed the blame.
Tried to reap the joys
without the pain.
But it doesn't work.
History shows.
Heck, my own past
is full of those.
Failed attempts
To stifle my conscience.
When will I learn?
So here I am God.
Crawling back on my knees.
You're prodigal son.
Although You're probably sick of these . . .
Can I be Your slave?
Can I make it up somehow?
I was stupid, mislead.
I messed up again!
Is there anyway
You'll give me
just one more second chance?
I'll be Your lowliest servant
just take me back
from eating some pig's slop . . .
Oh please?
Wait, what's this?
A hug? A kiss?
You mean You still like me??
After all this???
How can You?
What grace!
Hardly possible.
Are You in Your right mind?
I've messed up
So bad.
So many times.
I'm arrogant, I'm greedy, I'm selfish, I'm vain. I'm attracted to evil and all my own gain. I'm mean, I'm hurtful, I'm too easily hurt. I pretend the world revolves around me. Inadvertently throwing You out. I let my emotions get the best of me. Pretty much every day. I'd rather watch television for hours, than listen to what You have to say. I view the world through "me" colored glasses. While the "God" ones sit on the shelf. I fight with my conscience day in and day out. I am a wreck of a wretch.
A mess of a human.
Another example of the sinful condition.
I'm just another problem for You to solve.
How could You then
welcome all that mess into You arms?
Where's the line?
When do you throw me out the door?
When do you refuse
and leave me in the cold?
I'm waiting.
I deserve that.
God, how long is this hug?!?
A party?!?!
For me?
For all this?
This mess that I am?
You're happy to have me back?
Lord, stop!
Those are Your most expensive foods!
Agck!
I don't deserve extravagance!
You're ring?
You're right hand seat?
You're coat?
You're Son?
Oh God no.
Not for me!
. . .
For me?
*I begin to cry . . . *
Me?
But...but I've let You down so so much . . .
"You were never holding Me up."
Pent up.
No outlet.
It's so hard to hear Your voice
when my emotions are screaming.
Can't they just shut up?
It's all my fault I know
Bad choices.
Not listening.
I'd rather have fun
than be right with you
again.
And yet You say there's grace?
With all this blood on my hands?
You can wash me clean?
No way.
No chance.
I'm a sinner.
I'll always be.
And You have the gall
to expect more from me?!
I'm fallible!
I can't be good!
I can't be perfect
. . . as I should . . . as I wish I could . . .
Oh God save me.
I can't do this on my own.
Unstop my ears.
Take out the cotton.
Yell some sense into me.
God knows I need it.
I try so hard.
I think I'm good.
Only to realize
I've misunderstood.
I'm doing it on my own again.
Will I ever learn?
No.
So I give up.
Give in to my yearnings.
Then I realize that's not working.
Cause I feel worse and worse.
I'm not listening to you on purpose.
I blame it all on Adam's curse.
Blame blame
deflected from myself.
Isn't that how this all started
back in eden
way back when.
They made mistakes.
They passed the blame.
Tried to reap the joys
without the pain.
But it doesn't work.
History shows.
Heck, my own past
is full of those.
Failed attempts
To stifle my conscience.
When will I learn?
So here I am God.
Crawling back on my knees.
You're prodigal son.
Although You're probably sick of these . . .
Can I be Your slave?
Can I make it up somehow?
I was stupid, mislead.
I messed up again!
Is there anyway
You'll give me
just one more second chance?
I'll be Your lowliest servant
just take me back
from eating some pig's slop . . .
Oh please?
Wait, what's this?
A hug? A kiss?
You mean You still like me??
After all this???
How can You?
What grace!
Hardly possible.
Are You in Your right mind?
I've messed up
So bad.
So many times.
I'm arrogant, I'm greedy, I'm selfish, I'm vain. I'm attracted to evil and all my own gain. I'm mean, I'm hurtful, I'm too easily hurt. I pretend the world revolves around me. Inadvertently throwing You out. I let my emotions get the best of me. Pretty much every day. I'd rather watch television for hours, than listen to what You have to say. I view the world through "me" colored glasses. While the "God" ones sit on the shelf. I fight with my conscience day in and day out. I am a wreck of a wretch.
A mess of a human.
Another example of the sinful condition.
I'm just another problem for You to solve.
How could You then
welcome all that mess into You arms?
Where's the line?
When do you throw me out the door?
When do you refuse
and leave me in the cold?
I'm waiting.
I deserve that.
God, how long is this hug?!?
A party?!?!
For me?
For all this?
This mess that I am?
You're happy to have me back?
Lord, stop!
Those are Your most expensive foods!
Agck!
I don't deserve extravagance!
You're ring?
You're right hand seat?
You're coat?
You're Son?
Oh God no.
Not for me!
. . .
For me?
*I begin to cry . . . *
Me?
But...but I've let You down so so much . . .
"You were never holding Me up."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
My creativity needs an outlet
I'm feeling inspired today.
But not to do any one thing.
Not to paint, to draw, to sing, to compose, to photograph, etc...
I'm not sure where this sudden burst of inspiration and creativity is coming from, nor where it wants to go.
Perhaps I need to write.
Just something. Any old thing. To get this pent up, bursting feeling to ooze out of my veins. Are you ready? I'm not sure what will happen here. I'm not sure if the course of my brain's flight will stop for the guidelines of spelling and grammar. I may forget I am even of this world. Words may become incoherent, smudgeing together like smooshed icing. It may be of a dream, or the state between waking and unconsciousness. Who knows? Here goes:
I am of the wind. For no one knows from whence it came nor where it goes. I am of fire. Of inset unqeunchable desires. I am of the clouds, floating along in a world to which I do not belong. I am of the depths of despair and the heights of living air. Air, breath, wind, blown, coursing into my lungs. Fresh air from the very lungs of Christ. That is what I am made of.
I am not the same as every other moving drone. I am not of this world any more than I am a frog. I have a deeper part to me than that of many on this earth. I have something more. I am something more. I am redeemed. Bought. Paid for. Spoken for. Loved. Favored. Wanted.
The world is my practice run, in death is the real thing. In death I shall come more alive than ever before. I can't wait.
Hope is in me. Joy is in me. Love is in me. I am whole.
Creativity drips from my tongue pouring out from the heavenly spring of the water of everlasting life. It is a gift showerd from above. My creativity, my artistic-ness, my passion, my gifts, my talents, my joy, my love, my fire. All there for a reason. I HAVE A REASON!
I have a purpose. I am a light. I shine. I sparkle. I am magical. Cause He made me that way.
Oh how the birds ever sing! Why then are we, whom He cares so much more for than mere birds, not ever singing? Praise to the One who gives songs. Who gives life, love, and joy.
Everything else is pointless. A barren, blackened field in which we sit, covered in dirt, desperately pretending there are beautiful things all around us because we refuse to look at the truly beautiful one. The one who created beauty.
And if we dare to, and finally realize all of our pretending, we shy away from the One. Because we are covered in dirt, and to stand next to such light would show how much we have been found wanting.
But He stands there, arms open wide, just like they were when He died and took on all the dirt we were ever covered with. He paid for us. He bought us. All. It's only logical, then, that He should want to reap the full reward of what He rightfully paid for. He wants us all, and He wants all of us.
He standing there holding out a bright new robe (that does amazing things for everybodies figure by the way) and a scrub-brush and some soap. He's beckoning us, saying He'll make us clean, He'll provide new attire. Inside and out. It may not be easy. Sometimes scrubbing off deep, ingrained dirt can hurt, but it's worth it. Then we get to stay locked in His embrace forever more!! What wonderful fun! To be in the arms of someone who loves you absolutely more than you could ever imagine, unconditionally, and forever, Forever! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What fun! What fun! God is fun! Jesus is fun! Lord knows the Holy Spirit is fun!! Who wouldn't want to be saved? Why the very word brings a sense of life. Of being found. I like being found. How 'bout you? Being lost sounds so dreary. Who'd want to stay permanently in that condition? Nosirree not for me.
Not for me.
I want to be wanted.
But not to do any one thing.
Not to paint, to draw, to sing, to compose, to photograph, etc...
I'm not sure where this sudden burst of inspiration and creativity is coming from, nor where it wants to go.
Perhaps I need to write.
Just something. Any old thing. To get this pent up, bursting feeling to ooze out of my veins. Are you ready? I'm not sure what will happen here. I'm not sure if the course of my brain's flight will stop for the guidelines of spelling and grammar. I may forget I am even of this world. Words may become incoherent, smudgeing together like smooshed icing. It may be of a dream, or the state between waking and unconsciousness. Who knows? Here goes:
I am of the wind. For no one knows from whence it came nor where it goes. I am of fire. Of inset unqeunchable desires. I am of the clouds, floating along in a world to which I do not belong. I am of the depths of despair and the heights of living air. Air, breath, wind, blown, coursing into my lungs. Fresh air from the very lungs of Christ. That is what I am made of.
I am not the same as every other moving drone. I am not of this world any more than I am a frog. I have a deeper part to me than that of many on this earth. I have something more. I am something more. I am redeemed. Bought. Paid for. Spoken for. Loved. Favored. Wanted.
The world is my practice run, in death is the real thing. In death I shall come more alive than ever before. I can't wait.
Hope is in me. Joy is in me. Love is in me. I am whole.
Creativity drips from my tongue pouring out from the heavenly spring of the water of everlasting life. It is a gift showerd from above. My creativity, my artistic-ness, my passion, my gifts, my talents, my joy, my love, my fire. All there for a reason. I HAVE A REASON!
I have a purpose. I am a light. I shine. I sparkle. I am magical. Cause He made me that way.
Oh how the birds ever sing! Why then are we, whom He cares so much more for than mere birds, not ever singing? Praise to the One who gives songs. Who gives life, love, and joy.
Everything else is pointless. A barren, blackened field in which we sit, covered in dirt, desperately pretending there are beautiful things all around us because we refuse to look at the truly beautiful one. The one who created beauty.
And if we dare to, and finally realize all of our pretending, we shy away from the One. Because we are covered in dirt, and to stand next to such light would show how much we have been found wanting.
But He stands there, arms open wide, just like they were when He died and took on all the dirt we were ever covered with. He paid for us. He bought us. All. It's only logical, then, that He should want to reap the full reward of what He rightfully paid for. He wants us all, and He wants all of us.
He standing there holding out a bright new robe (that does amazing things for everybodies figure by the way) and a scrub-brush and some soap. He's beckoning us, saying He'll make us clean, He'll provide new attire. Inside and out. It may not be easy. Sometimes scrubbing off deep, ingrained dirt can hurt, but it's worth it. Then we get to stay locked in His embrace forever more!! What wonderful fun! To be in the arms of someone who loves you absolutely more than you could ever imagine, unconditionally, and forever, Forever! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What fun! What fun! God is fun! Jesus is fun! Lord knows the Holy Spirit is fun!! Who wouldn't want to be saved? Why the very word brings a sense of life. Of being found. I like being found. How 'bout you? Being lost sounds so dreary. Who'd want to stay permanently in that condition? Nosirree not for me.
Not for me.
I want to be wanted.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Not quite sure what this is...it just kinda came out.
The sun's setting.
Jesus is here, He's whispering in my ear.
He's always whispering in my ear
but I don't always choose to listen
silly me.
I am quite a goof of a human
and I can never quite pin myself down
how do you solve a problem like anna?
Well you can't
cause Jesus told me He already did.
On the cross
and everyday He whispers
sweet somethings in my ear.
Dogs are barking.
They have a purpose in life.
To protect
eat
poop
live
love
run
fetch
bark
annoy
etc...
They understand this
they don't have much
but they don't question life.
They have to eat the same food every day
stay in the same yard
not chase cats
not bark too loud
wear the same collar everyday
do everything the moment they're told.
And yet
they are continually thankful
ever loving
never complaining.
We should probably be more like dogs.
Never worrying about the day to come
but ever thankful
ever loving
ever ready to do as we're told.
All this I need to work on...
Long day today
too many worries
too many cares
not cast upon Him
too many let downs
too many
deep
soft
brown
eyes.
Making me swoon.
Perhaps I should just never look at you again.
Then I would be fine.
Selfishness
Self-centeredness
My biggest vice
Lord help me to forget myself
to look outside
and see the world of others
hurting
or even rejoicing.
I need to hurt for them
I need to rejoice with them
Not for myself.
To have friends is to be one.
A valuable lesson to learn.
Also, you are what you confess
out loud
that you are.
Proven tested theory.
Therefore:
I am beloved
I am a child of the King
I am healthy and smart
I have a deep love for others
I truly care about them
My God is the most important Man in my life
He is uttermost on my mind
all the time
I am happy
I am joyful
I have a wonderful family
I am patient
I am strong
I am unscarred
I have a healthy thriving heart
For Christ has made it new.
I am a new Creation.
Jesus is here, He's whispering in my ear.
He's always whispering in my ear
but I don't always choose to listen
silly me.
I am quite a goof of a human
and I can never quite pin myself down
how do you solve a problem like anna?
Well you can't
cause Jesus told me He already did.
On the cross
and everyday He whispers
sweet somethings in my ear.
Dogs are barking.
They have a purpose in life.
To protect
eat
poop
live
love
run
fetch
bark
annoy
etc...
They understand this
they don't have much
but they don't question life.
They have to eat the same food every day
stay in the same yard
not chase cats
not bark too loud
wear the same collar everyday
do everything the moment they're told.
And yet
they are continually thankful
ever loving
never complaining.
We should probably be more like dogs.
Never worrying about the day to come
but ever thankful
ever loving
ever ready to do as we're told.
All this I need to work on...
Long day today
too many worries
too many cares
not cast upon Him
too many let downs
too many
deep
soft
brown
eyes.
Making me swoon.
Perhaps I should just never look at you again.
Then I would be fine.
Selfishness
Self-centeredness
My biggest vice
Lord help me to forget myself
to look outside
and see the world of others
hurting
or even rejoicing.
I need to hurt for them
I need to rejoice with them
Not for myself.
To have friends is to be one.
A valuable lesson to learn.
Also, you are what you confess
out loud
that you are.
Proven tested theory.
Therefore:
I am beloved
I am a child of the King
I am healthy and smart
I have a deep love for others
I truly care about them
My God is the most important Man in my life
He is uttermost on my mind
all the time
I am happy
I am joyful
I have a wonderful family
I am patient
I am strong
I am unscarred
I have a healthy thriving heart
For Christ has made it new.
I am a new Creation.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Everything is going wrong and my life is overwhelming. Praise God.
So basically here's the low-down.
I have 200 letters and emails from different colleges all asking me to apply and why their school is the best.
I have absolutely no clue as to which school is the best.
I have absolutely no idea where to go.
I have absolutely no money to go anywhere.
I have no money, no job, no car, and no license.
I have senior trips, mission trips, and other things coming up that I alone have to pay for while I'm in my current state of having no money.
My mother has been getting onto my case about how I didn't stand up to my entire senior grade and tell them we can't go on the trip we want to because it's too much money. She doesn't understand that I don't want to ruin 25 other people's fun just because I'm broke.
I've never cared about money before in my life and suddenly I have to. I have to have it, have to earn it.
I have to work extra hard to pay for things . . . and I don't even have a job yet. Not to mention the college classes I'm taking and school.
Oh and I haven't applied to any colleges . . . which is supposed to be done by now.
So basically, I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed to when all this started coming up at the dinner table today, I burst into tears.
I'm not exactly proud of this fact lol . . . but it is a fact. I quietly left the dinner table to go cry in my closet. I felt kinda bad, like I was being self-centered and just having a poor-me-pity-party. But I couldn't stop the tears. Then those tears turned into tears about more issues . . . and well, you catch my drift.
So I'm sitting there in my cramped closet with my leaky eyes soaking my hair and my pants because I forgot tissues. But one thing I didn't forget was my Bible. So I decided to open it up hoping that God would give me some sort of encouragement. It fell to Psalms 150: the last chapter in psalms. The whole thing just talked about praising God. I thought,
"well that's some help, I'm the one that needs the encouragement not God. I don't quite feel like praising Him for this."
Then it struck me. It struck me that I had the habit of declaring God's praises for all the wrong reasons.
I'd praise Him when I deemed He had done something praiseworthy in my life. Like when you stumble onto some good fortune and exclaim: "Praise God!" But I'd never thought to say "Praise God!" when everything was going wrong.
So I sat there and thought about it. I then proceeded to list all the crazy things going wrong in my life. Much like the list above but much longer. At the end of it all I simply took a deep breath and said: "praise God."
It had never felt so good to say those words. I started repeating them over and over because only when I said them could I stop tears. It seemed as long as I was saying them, as long as I was declaring God's praises, everything was alright.
I then looked back to Psalms 150 and read it aloud knowing that God's scripture does not return void in our lives. I read it through once, and then again, and again, and again. Repeatedly. Incessantly. I spoke it so many times I didn't even need to look at it any more. It was engrained in my heart.
My God is praise-worthy. Not becasue things are going good in our lives or we deem an action of his praise-worthy. But because He IS praise-worthy. No matter what.
Psalms 150:
Praise the LORD.
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
praise him with timbrel and dancing,
praise him with the strings and pipe,
praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD
I have 200 letters and emails from different colleges all asking me to apply and why their school is the best.
I have absolutely no clue as to which school is the best.
I have absolutely no idea where to go.
I have absolutely no money to go anywhere.
I have no money, no job, no car, and no license.
I have senior trips, mission trips, and other things coming up that I alone have to pay for while I'm in my current state of having no money.
My mother has been getting onto my case about how I didn't stand up to my entire senior grade and tell them we can't go on the trip we want to because it's too much money. She doesn't understand that I don't want to ruin 25 other people's fun just because I'm broke.
I've never cared about money before in my life and suddenly I have to. I have to have it, have to earn it.
I have to work extra hard to pay for things . . . and I don't even have a job yet. Not to mention the college classes I'm taking and school.
Oh and I haven't applied to any colleges . . . which is supposed to be done by now.
So basically, I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed to when all this started coming up at the dinner table today, I burst into tears.
I'm not exactly proud of this fact lol . . . but it is a fact. I quietly left the dinner table to go cry in my closet. I felt kinda bad, like I was being self-centered and just having a poor-me-pity-party. But I couldn't stop the tears. Then those tears turned into tears about more issues . . . and well, you catch my drift.
So I'm sitting there in my cramped closet with my leaky eyes soaking my hair and my pants because I forgot tissues. But one thing I didn't forget was my Bible. So I decided to open it up hoping that God would give me some sort of encouragement. It fell to Psalms 150: the last chapter in psalms. The whole thing just talked about praising God. I thought,
"well that's some help, I'm the one that needs the encouragement not God. I don't quite feel like praising Him for this."
Then it struck me. It struck me that I had the habit of declaring God's praises for all the wrong reasons.
I'd praise Him when I deemed He had done something praiseworthy in my life. Like when you stumble onto some good fortune and exclaim: "Praise God!" But I'd never thought to say "Praise God!" when everything was going wrong.
So I sat there and thought about it. I then proceeded to list all the crazy things going wrong in my life. Much like the list above but much longer. At the end of it all I simply took a deep breath and said: "praise God."
It had never felt so good to say those words. I started repeating them over and over because only when I said them could I stop tears. It seemed as long as I was saying them, as long as I was declaring God's praises, everything was alright.
I then looked back to Psalms 150 and read it aloud knowing that God's scripture does not return void in our lives. I read it through once, and then again, and again, and again. Repeatedly. Incessantly. I spoke it so many times I didn't even need to look at it any more. It was engrained in my heart.
My God is praise-worthy. Not becasue things are going good in our lives or we deem an action of his praise-worthy. But because He IS praise-worthy. No matter what.
Psalms 150:
Praise the LORD.
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
praise him with timbrel and dancing,
praise him with the strings and pipe,
praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD
Box me up and send me out.
Overwhelmed. Shipping myself to China.
. . . Or England . . . or Ireland. Anywhere away from here.
. . . Or England . . . or Ireland. Anywhere away from here.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Do you, Dreamer?
Do you?
Dreamer
wonder of love?
or simply wonder of wandering.
Do you?
Dreamer
wish for better?
Or does contentment follow your way.
Do you?
Dreamer
Glory today?
Or does your fate lie in the future.
Do you?
Dreamer
Love anything?
Or do you love all and everything.
Do you?
Dreamer
Care what they think?
Or are you water on a duck's back.
Do you?
Dreamer
even live here?
Is reality even your home.
Do you?
Dreamer
have your own world?
Is it open to guests, might I stay?
Can you?
Dreamer
Take me away?
With you to your own world of freedom?
Your world
Dreamer
of Love, whole hearts
sincerity, and something called hope.
Oh, please
Dreamer
Take me with you
Introduce me to that thing called hope.
Dreamer
wonder of love?
or simply wonder of wandering.
Do you?
Dreamer
wish for better?
Or does contentment follow your way.
Do you?
Dreamer
Glory today?
Or does your fate lie in the future.
Do you?
Dreamer
Love anything?
Or do you love all and everything.
Do you?
Dreamer
Care what they think?
Or are you water on a duck's back.
Do you?
Dreamer
even live here?
Is reality even your home.
Do you?
Dreamer
have your own world?
Is it open to guests, might I stay?
Can you?
Dreamer
Take me away?
With you to your own world of freedom?
Your world
Dreamer
of Love, whole hearts
sincerity, and something called hope.
Oh, please
Dreamer
Take me with you
Introduce me to that thing called hope.
Free verse
Caught up in
pretty blue lights
dreams
sounds
romantic atmospheres.
Dreaming of icebergs
gardens
picnics
and long walks on the beach.
Dreaming in vibrant colors
of royal blues
blushing pinks
charming yellows
soothing greens
sultry reds.
And yet
I have no Object.
No signficant "other"
to enjoy
these colors with.
No point for romance
No reason for fancy.
No "one"
to dream
beside.
Nay, for when I think
of what
Once I had
You.
You're just brown.
So my adventures are shared
with the likes of
Henry the bicycle
Charlie the swing
Riley the ukulele
The jets;
my gang of paintbrushes.
Music is made
by a piano
not by our hearts.
Feelings are caused
by a good book
not by your arms
around me . . .
Emotion is caused
by the dying of the grass
not by a day
of missing you.
My want
is stirred
by a ham-sandwich
not by your
fine eyes.
And yet
I am content.
Why should I not be?
For this is how
most of my life
spent itself.
And why
should I
give you the credit of a drug?:
Just once
a certain high attained
forever sucking pleasure
away from all
that once held
wonders before.
Nay, No, and Nein
I shall not give you that
I shall glory in my
rides with Henry
Soar in spirit
flying with Charles
Laugh so sweetly
to Riley's lovely
inspiring melodies.
You shall not suck
my joy from my canvas.
You shall not extract
the music from my heart.
You shall not cause
a good book to be boring
And you shall not make me
a dull
unfeeling creature.
Out, out
I say
to the ruddy
depressing browns.
In with the blue
the shine!
the pink delights!
The yellow flight!
The contented sighs
of green lullabies!
The Robust Red
Marching on ahead!
The mystery of black!
And the purity of white!
The beauty of the day!
And the wonders of the night!
pretty blue lights
dreams
sounds
romantic atmospheres.
Dreaming of icebergs
gardens
picnics
and long walks on the beach.
Dreaming in vibrant colors
of royal blues
blushing pinks
charming yellows
soothing greens
sultry reds.
And yet
I have no Object.
No signficant "other"
to enjoy
these colors with.
No point for romance
No reason for fancy.
No "one"
to dream
beside.
Nay, for when I think
of what
Once I had
You.
You're just brown.
So my adventures are shared
with the likes of
Henry the bicycle
Charlie the swing
Riley the ukulele
The jets;
my gang of paintbrushes.
Music is made
by a piano
not by our hearts.
Feelings are caused
by a good book
not by your arms
around me . . .
Emotion is caused
by the dying of the grass
not by a day
of missing you.
My want
is stirred
by a ham-sandwich
not by your
fine eyes.
And yet
I am content.
Why should I not be?
For this is how
most of my life
spent itself.
And why
should I
give you the credit of a drug?:
Just once
a certain high attained
forever sucking pleasure
away from all
that once held
wonders before.
Nay, No, and Nein
I shall not give you that
I shall glory in my
rides with Henry
Soar in spirit
flying with Charles
Laugh so sweetly
to Riley's lovely
inspiring melodies.
You shall not suck
my joy from my canvas.
You shall not extract
the music from my heart.
You shall not cause
a good book to be boring
And you shall not make me
a dull
unfeeling creature.
Out, out
I say
to the ruddy
depressing browns.
In with the blue
the shine!
the pink delights!
The yellow flight!
The contented sighs
of green lullabies!
The Robust Red
Marching on ahead!
The mystery of black!
And the purity of white!
The beauty of the day!
And the wonders of the night!
Poetry in my head, flitting around, here to there.
In world literature class we have been studying all different types of poetry and art. I love World literature class.
Anyway, today's section mentioned free-verse. Which it said was a more modern form of poetry much like prose with no rules and rarely ever rhyming. I smiled prufusely at the description and example they gave because I realized that much of my poetry (which I never really thought was actual poetry) actually has a name and is in the books! Three cheers for free-verse! :)
I believe my next entry shall be a long poem of the free-verse style. Mostly cause I'm feeling inspired by listening to Owl city and hanging out on his website.
Ah well, here goes, cheers. :)
Anyway, today's section mentioned free-verse. Which it said was a more modern form of poetry much like prose with no rules and rarely ever rhyming. I smiled prufusely at the description and example they gave because I realized that much of my poetry (which I never really thought was actual poetry) actually has a name and is in the books! Three cheers for free-verse! :)
I believe my next entry shall be a long poem of the free-verse style. Mostly cause I'm feeling inspired by listening to Owl city and hanging out on his website.
Ah well, here goes, cheers. :)
Sunday, September 11, 2011
nothing in particular...
I've felt like crying a lot lately.
But praise God, halleluiah, thank the Lord, it's been because of good reasons!
Like when I get so caught up in the beauty and grace of my saviour that I lose it and want to weep because of His goodness.
Or like the dream I had last night about being in England again and standing in the middle of a street in York crying because I was so darn happy to be back. I felt like I was home, and the rest of my life I've just been homesick.
Anyway, so yeah, I've felt like crying a lot, sure. But for the first time in a long time it's been tears of joy. Thank God.
Also a new development: I don't feel the need to post on facebook every sad song I hear to show how I'm feeling to a certain someone anymore. I want to laugh at myself for ever doing that in the first place. lol
No, now when I hear a new sad or hreat-break song I rejoice in the fact that it doesn't fully describe my feelings anymore.
Oh, sure I still miss him. Sure I'm still sad a lot.
But it's bearable. I can get through it. I don't get stuck anymore. With the help of God I can climb out of that rut easier and easier every day.
Thank God :)
In other news: I'm a senior. Officially.
Ok. Back up. What?!?
Yep folks it's true! I am a senior! A fact made all the more real to me by going to my first day of ECC on Friday. It's too crazy. I have a hard time believing it myself. But it's true! And exciting :) I feel like I can have a bigger impact than ever on the younger lives around me now. And I for sure want to make it a good one. So here's to a new school year of unending possibilities, being the top-dog, and yet making an extra effort to reach out to those around me. I pray God makes it a good one. :)
Anyway, I've really just rambled a lot today... I meant to try and write something inspiring or insightful, but we all know how my plans work out. :)
So I'll leave you with this: Sometimes we plan things in life, sometimes we get too comforatable in life, and sometimes things go wrong. But in all of this we must remember one thing: Man proposes, but God disposes.
Learning to trust in His judgement is the most important lesson to learn along the way. He's smarter than you'll ever be (shocking isn't it), He knows what's best for you, He can foresee things you can't, and He has the final say.
If you have a problem with this, just try controling and running your own life without any of His help. I think you'll find you end up in a mess.
Anyway, I shall be going now. I apologize for the bunny-trails. Have a good week! :)
But praise God, halleluiah, thank the Lord, it's been because of good reasons!
Like when I get so caught up in the beauty and grace of my saviour that I lose it and want to weep because of His goodness.
Or like the dream I had last night about being in England again and standing in the middle of a street in York crying because I was so darn happy to be back. I felt like I was home, and the rest of my life I've just been homesick.
Anyway, so yeah, I've felt like crying a lot, sure. But for the first time in a long time it's been tears of joy. Thank God.
Also a new development: I don't feel the need to post on facebook every sad song I hear to show how I'm feeling to a certain someone anymore. I want to laugh at myself for ever doing that in the first place. lol
No, now when I hear a new sad or hreat-break song I rejoice in the fact that it doesn't fully describe my feelings anymore.
Oh, sure I still miss him. Sure I'm still sad a lot.
But it's bearable. I can get through it. I don't get stuck anymore. With the help of God I can climb out of that rut easier and easier every day.
Thank God :)
In other news: I'm a senior. Officially.
Ok. Back up. What?!?
Yep folks it's true! I am a senior! A fact made all the more real to me by going to my first day of ECC on Friday. It's too crazy. I have a hard time believing it myself. But it's true! And exciting :) I feel like I can have a bigger impact than ever on the younger lives around me now. And I for sure want to make it a good one. So here's to a new school year of unending possibilities, being the top-dog, and yet making an extra effort to reach out to those around me. I pray God makes it a good one. :)
Anyway, I've really just rambled a lot today... I meant to try and write something inspiring or insightful, but we all know how my plans work out. :)
So I'll leave you with this: Sometimes we plan things in life, sometimes we get too comforatable in life, and sometimes things go wrong. But in all of this we must remember one thing: Man proposes, but God disposes.
Learning to trust in His judgement is the most important lesson to learn along the way. He's smarter than you'll ever be (shocking isn't it), He knows what's best for you, He can foresee things you can't, and He has the final say.
If you have a problem with this, just try controling and running your own life without any of His help. I think you'll find you end up in a mess.
Anyway, I shall be going now. I apologize for the bunny-trails. Have a good week! :)
Oh you know...
Jut some more expirimenting with photo editing lately...
Anyway, that's all, just a couple of badly done photos. Ta ta for now :)
Anyway, that's all, just a couple of badly done photos. Ta ta for now :)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Life was meant to be
Not sure exactly what this is supposed to mean...but I was messing with pictures one day and this sort of...happened. So here'y'are, perhaps tell me what you think?
Ciao :)
Friday, September 9, 2011
Dance through the storms
Dance in the rain
Dance when you're down
Dance when you're gay
Dance when you're young
Dance when you're not
Dance through life
Dance, don't stop.
Then maybe someday
your partner will come,
dancing all the way
to the same drum.
But one thing's for sure
and can't be denied
He ain't gonna find you
if you're sittin on the side.
So dance! Dance! Dance!
though the music may die
Dance down the streets
And don't you dare forget to dance down every single bloody grocery-store isle.
The end.
Dance in the rain
Dance when you're down
Dance when you're gay
Dance when you're young
Dance when you're not
Dance through life
Dance, don't stop.
Then maybe someday
your partner will come,
dancing all the way
to the same drum.
But one thing's for sure
and can't be denied
He ain't gonna find you
if you're sittin on the side.
So dance! Dance! Dance!
though the music may die
Dance down the streets
And don't you dare forget to dance down every single bloody grocery-store isle.
The end.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
pick your poison
What do you do when you have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day?
Well...I'm not sure exactly. I guess write a blog post...
I'm afraid today was one of those days.
You know, where you spend one part crying, and the other part over-thinking, and the other part putting on too much make up to cover up your tears, and the last part trying to get over your depression by going outside into the beeatiful weather only to be driven back inside by thousands of mosquitoes.
Yeah.
It hasn't been the greatest of days.
And I'm afraid I don't have any encouraging words to tack on the end about how great my Jesus is and how He makes everything better for me all the time.
Today it wouldn't be real; my whole heart wouldn't be in it. And I don't want to write things that aren't real. I feel like that would be lying . . .
It's not that those things aren't true, just that it would be me uselessly spouting facts like a machine. But what can I say? We all have these days don't we?
It's also not that I'm going back to running my spiritual life off of feelings either. I still fully believe God is there, that He loves me, and that He can save and heal. And I will still follow Him whether I feel like it or not.
Just we don't always see the results, or feel His love. Some day we're in the valley of the shadow of death.
What counts is that you still choose to worship Him on those days. That you still declare His everlasting love even when you don't feel it.
But yeah, I guess today would be a valley. With shadows and death parading all around me.
It would be one of those days when you hate yourself.
Yeah I said it. I'm not going to sugar coat anything here in an attempt to make it seem like I never have any problems, never am self-conscious, never depressed. Because I do, and I am, often.
I've also learned something about myself lately: when troubles in life come at me, especially in the form of troubles with friendships and relationships, I can rarely ever get mad at or stay mad at a person for any longer than 24 hours.
No, for me, I just get hurt. Badly. And the hurt that's inflicted stays for days, weeks, even months sometimes. It's like instead of healing it just gets infected and grows worse. I talked to a friend about it, she said she's more of one to get angry and thought that was worse. But when I described how it works for me she thought about it and then said it was just like picking a different poision. And I guess that's true; anger, malicy, bitterness, hate, resentment, jealousy, or depression, hurt, pain, tears, self-pity, self-hatred, are all just different poisions. They all slowly work their way through our systems, eating away at us till we eventually die. Spiritually, emotionally, and even in some cases physically.
Now I'm not saying it's all anywhere near that bad, most of the time we can recover. It's just how long it takes...and how long we hold onto whatever ails us. I guess half the battle is learning to let go...and that's hard to do.
So yeah... that's where I am. Just a lot going on with friends ...(or lack of them) and still struggling to get over the boy that broke my heart.
yeah....anyway, I guess I could use a lot of prayer.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Farewell.
Well...I'm not sure exactly. I guess write a blog post...
I'm afraid today was one of those days.
You know, where you spend one part crying, and the other part over-thinking, and the other part putting on too much make up to cover up your tears, and the last part trying to get over your depression by going outside into the beeatiful weather only to be driven back inside by thousands of mosquitoes.
Yeah.
It hasn't been the greatest of days.
And I'm afraid I don't have any encouraging words to tack on the end about how great my Jesus is and how He makes everything better for me all the time.
Today it wouldn't be real; my whole heart wouldn't be in it. And I don't want to write things that aren't real. I feel like that would be lying . . .
It's not that those things aren't true, just that it would be me uselessly spouting facts like a machine. But what can I say? We all have these days don't we?
It's also not that I'm going back to running my spiritual life off of feelings either. I still fully believe God is there, that He loves me, and that He can save and heal. And I will still follow Him whether I feel like it or not.
Just we don't always see the results, or feel His love. Some day we're in the valley of the shadow of death.
What counts is that you still choose to worship Him on those days. That you still declare His everlasting love even when you don't feel it.
But yeah, I guess today would be a valley. With shadows and death parading all around me.
It would be one of those days when you hate yourself.
Yeah I said it. I'm not going to sugar coat anything here in an attempt to make it seem like I never have any problems, never am self-conscious, never depressed. Because I do, and I am, often.
I've also learned something about myself lately: when troubles in life come at me, especially in the form of troubles with friendships and relationships, I can rarely ever get mad at or stay mad at a person for any longer than 24 hours.
No, for me, I just get hurt. Badly. And the hurt that's inflicted stays for days, weeks, even months sometimes. It's like instead of healing it just gets infected and grows worse. I talked to a friend about it, she said she's more of one to get angry and thought that was worse. But when I described how it works for me she thought about it and then said it was just like picking a different poision. And I guess that's true; anger, malicy, bitterness, hate, resentment, jealousy, or depression, hurt, pain, tears, self-pity, self-hatred, are all just different poisions. They all slowly work their way through our systems, eating away at us till we eventually die. Spiritually, emotionally, and even in some cases physically.
Now I'm not saying it's all anywhere near that bad, most of the time we can recover. It's just how long it takes...and how long we hold onto whatever ails us. I guess half the battle is learning to let go...and that's hard to do.
So yeah... that's where I am. Just a lot going on with friends ...(or lack of them) and still struggling to get over the boy that broke my heart.
yeah....anyway, I guess I could use a lot of prayer.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Farewell.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Change
It's amazing how a little cool front with a nice breeze can change your whole perspective on life.
Today the weather changed. It'd been hot. Really hot. "Welcome to hell" kind of hot. But it is Texas so you won't find me complaining.
In fact I do often enjoy sitting out in the over-bearing sun sometimes. When you get just a bit too chilly inside so you go sit out in the grass and immediately your entire skin is covered by goosebumps. As if the sharp change in the temperature leaves your body unsure as to whether it's cold or hot. Yeah, I enjoy that feeling.
But today when I walked out I was greeted by a pretty gift-wrapped little surprise.
The air felt cool.
I was amazed. I hadn't felt a cool breeze in ages. I drank it in as I shivered (little people get cold easier.)
Later in the day the sun reached it's apex. It warmed the cool earth below creating a perfect sun-shiney feeling with just the right amount of cool breezes in the air. I got the feeling that I just had to do something! And suddenly, I knew what it was:
Bike riding! A sport neglected by me for years (actual years lol) because I had always been too lazy, too cold, or too hot, was finally calling to me. Excitedly I ran and found my old bike in the shed, quickly pumped fresh air into both tires, puzzled over how to raise the seat, realized I would need tools, figured out what tools, and used those tools to painstakingly-with-hard-manual-labor raise the seat. I then, when finshed, stood up with previously-mentioned tools raised above my head and declared loudly to the entire neighborhood that "Yes! I can use tools!"
Then after putting those same tools away, an ever-growing sense of accomplishment flooded over me as I rode my bike up and down the street with pride, braided hair flapping behind me. I felt like I should be in a movie. :)
I then, to perserve my good mood as well as spread it to others went and did some much-asked-for chores that my parents had been nagging me about for a while.
I then proudly, with face beaming, announced my accomplishments to my said-parental units as I soaked in their smiling faces.
Then, in an effort to be extra produtive on this fine day, I asked my dad to show me everything he'd been wanting to show me for a while about the car, before I get my license. It took an hour but I courageously actually tried to process everything he said. As well as try and comprehend all the endless terms about what goes where and powers what and what that thing is called and how many times your supposed to check this etc... Did I mention I also learned to change a tire on my own? :D
Haha anyway, on a more serious note, the day didn't start off as grand as all that.
Actually, it started with me cramping and getting into fights with my parents. Not so great.
But when I went outside to cool off afterwards (figuritively and literally) God grabbed my attention with a cool breeze and made my day by what He said.
I was down, I was lonely, I felt sick, mad, lonely and was still ever-hurting from past ...erm, things. I was in a rut that I felt I could never get out of and was just over all feeling like an unredeemable sinner with no friends and whom nobody liked.
But you know, God never lets us stay in a rut, does He? For He then proceeded to tell me how much He liked me and how, if God likes you a whole lot, why does it matter if anyone else does or doesn't?
I then fired back, I argued and told Him all the things wrong with me and why I'm such a horrible person whom no one likes.
He then listed a long list of all the things He liked and loved best about me. Saying all sorts of encouraging things and building me up like only God can. I left that spot with a renewed attitude toward life and all my problems.
Thank God for His goodness :)
Today the weather changed. It'd been hot. Really hot. "Welcome to hell" kind of hot. But it is Texas so you won't find me complaining.
In fact I do often enjoy sitting out in the over-bearing sun sometimes. When you get just a bit too chilly inside so you go sit out in the grass and immediately your entire skin is covered by goosebumps. As if the sharp change in the temperature leaves your body unsure as to whether it's cold or hot. Yeah, I enjoy that feeling.
But today when I walked out I was greeted by a pretty gift-wrapped little surprise.
The air felt cool.
I was amazed. I hadn't felt a cool breeze in ages. I drank it in as I shivered (little people get cold easier.)
Later in the day the sun reached it's apex. It warmed the cool earth below creating a perfect sun-shiney feeling with just the right amount of cool breezes in the air. I got the feeling that I just had to do something! And suddenly, I knew what it was:
Bike riding! A sport neglected by me for years (actual years lol) because I had always been too lazy, too cold, or too hot, was finally calling to me. Excitedly I ran and found my old bike in the shed, quickly pumped fresh air into both tires, puzzled over how to raise the seat, realized I would need tools, figured out what tools, and used those tools to painstakingly-with-hard-manual-labor raise the seat. I then, when finshed, stood up with previously-mentioned tools raised above my head and declared loudly to the entire neighborhood that "Yes! I can use tools!"
Then after putting those same tools away, an ever-growing sense of accomplishment flooded over me as I rode my bike up and down the street with pride, braided hair flapping behind me. I felt like I should be in a movie. :)
I then, to perserve my good mood as well as spread it to others went and did some much-asked-for chores that my parents had been nagging me about for a while.
I then proudly, with face beaming, announced my accomplishments to my said-parental units as I soaked in their smiling faces.
Then, in an effort to be extra produtive on this fine day, I asked my dad to show me everything he'd been wanting to show me for a while about the car, before I get my license. It took an hour but I courageously actually tried to process everything he said. As well as try and comprehend all the endless terms about what goes where and powers what and what that thing is called and how many times your supposed to check this etc... Did I mention I also learned to change a tire on my own? :D
Haha anyway, on a more serious note, the day didn't start off as grand as all that.
Actually, it started with me cramping and getting into fights with my parents. Not so great.
But when I went outside to cool off afterwards (figuritively and literally) God grabbed my attention with a cool breeze and made my day by what He said.
I was down, I was lonely, I felt sick, mad, lonely and was still ever-hurting from past ...erm, things. I was in a rut that I felt I could never get out of and was just over all feeling like an unredeemable sinner with no friends and whom nobody liked.
But you know, God never lets us stay in a rut, does He? For He then proceeded to tell me how much He liked me and how, if God likes you a whole lot, why does it matter if anyone else does or doesn't?
I then fired back, I argued and told Him all the things wrong with me and why I'm such a horrible person whom no one likes.
He then listed a long list of all the things He liked and loved best about me. Saying all sorts of encouraging things and building me up like only God can. I left that spot with a renewed attitude toward life and all my problems.
Thank God for His goodness :)
Saturday, September 3, 2011
God has better for me.
Haha how it excites me so to hear that.
He's got better for me!
Haha yeah, that's how much He loves me. Even when I can't seem to see anything better anywhere else, He's got it. Stored up and waiting for me.
He just loves me that much.
Our God does not put us through hardships with no hope of rescue or better things to come. Even when Job had everything taken from him, he stayed faithful to God and was blessed in the end with an even greater abundance than before.
That's all it really is in the end folks:
Trusting God.
Knowing that He will remain faithful.
Knowing that He will come through, no matter what.
For He is greater than all the problems in the world combined.
He is bigger than every mountain of affliction, than every ocean of suffering.
And even when we're in the midst of our troubles, and it seems they will last forever, we can never stop trusting in God. For He is our Saviour and will rescue us in the end. No matter what.
Then His blessings will flow over us unendingly and His grace shall reign forever.
And those blessings even start now. They come with a freedom in Christ. A freedom from pain and suffering and sin. A letting go of the terrors of the past to turn around and run to the everlasting pleasure found only in Christ.
He lives.
He loves.
He is faithful.
Haha how it excites me so to hear that.
He's got better for me!
Haha yeah, that's how much He loves me. Even when I can't seem to see anything better anywhere else, He's got it. Stored up and waiting for me.
He just loves me that much.
Our God does not put us through hardships with no hope of rescue or better things to come. Even when Job had everything taken from him, he stayed faithful to God and was blessed in the end with an even greater abundance than before.
That's all it really is in the end folks:
Trusting God.
Knowing that He will remain faithful.
Knowing that He will come through, no matter what.
For He is greater than all the problems in the world combined.
He is bigger than every mountain of affliction, than every ocean of suffering.
And even when we're in the midst of our troubles, and it seems they will last forever, we can never stop trusting in God. For He is our Saviour and will rescue us in the end. No matter what.
Then His blessings will flow over us unendingly and His grace shall reign forever.
And those blessings even start now. They come with a freedom in Christ. A freedom from pain and suffering and sin. A letting go of the terrors of the past to turn around and run to the everlasting pleasure found only in Christ.
He lives.
He loves.
He is faithful.
Psalm 93:4
"The LORD on high is mightier
Than the noise of many waters,
Than the mighty waves of the sea."
Our God is mightier.
Than any storm in your life.
Than any time you feel you are being drowned under the weight of some affliction.
Than any time you feel like God's not there and you can't hear his voice above the shouting of the waters.
The Lord, who reigns on high, is mightier.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Things that I love.
Creativity Art Passion loving living excitement exuberance quiteness meekness shyness flamboyant colorful antique rainbow sunsets grass bright green old mansions old style shoes English people songs with meanings true talent balloons flying away heart-felt notes letters sent letters recieved long dresses medieval balls white dresses angle pure golden hair curls a-bouncing wreaths for you head entwined with flowers old pianos fresh sounds crickets singing grace abounds love peace tranquility freedom fresh smells natural smells woods at sunset smiles all around music soaring with a freedom sound picnics barns horses cats tigers lions wolves foxes white coats rain-boots the taste of the rain on your tongue food with intoxication aromas periwinkle rolling around in the grass full skirts twirling dancing running singing listening to a beautiful voice sparkling eyes good company long conversations all night long conversations deep thoughts running thoughts rambling thoughts haunting beautiful melodies true talent happiness joy soulful sorrow a books smell curling up window seats soft blankets cleanliness getting dirty paint splotches of it globs of it strokes of it smells of it chewing on paint-brushes the feeling of staring at a blank page waiting for you to creat something anything on it extensive vocabularies beautiful people brown eyes freckles hugs cartwheels barefoot puffy sleeves old bycicles custard spoons good friends flying racing laughing narnia aslan old trees tree forts ideas thoughts inspiration disheveled hair-buns dirt on your hands mud pies waves that look good enough to eat clear water sparkling water racing hearts giddiness giggles blank pages in a scetchbook good erasers the smell of a bible underlining things highlighters spotlights memorizing lines emotions feeling breathing soaking in the rays wind rushing waves roaring irish jigs celtic melodies rolling field towering mountains golden lighting chills down my spine a love that is mine.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wishes.
Sometimes I wish I could just go by myself to a pretty, highly populated, park with a notebook and pen and just write stories about all the people I see. . .
Sometimes I wish I had a comforatable spot I could go to be completely alone, where no one could reach me. And where no one would get mad that they couldn't reach me.
Sometimes I wish God was physically in front of me so I could cry on His shoulder and curl up in His lap for real, tangibly.
Sometimes I wish I could fly.
Sometimes I wish I was invisible.
Sometimes I wish no one expected or demanded anything of me.
Sometimes I wish people actually liked me.
Sometimes I just wish I had a best friend. . . .
. . .
sometimes I wish you would come back for me.
Sometimes I wish I had a comforatable spot I could go to be completely alone, where no one could reach me. And where no one would get mad that they couldn't reach me.
Sometimes I wish God was physically in front of me so I could cry on His shoulder and curl up in His lap for real, tangibly.
Sometimes I wish I could fly.
Sometimes I wish I was invisible.
Sometimes I wish no one expected or demanded anything of me.
Sometimes I wish people actually liked me.
Sometimes I just wish I had a best friend. . . .
. . .
sometimes I wish you would come back for me.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Glorifying God.
Colossians 3:17 - And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
1 Corinthians 10:31 - So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 Peter 4:11 - If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
The other day I happened to stumble upon one of the verses by chance. I had heard it many times, I had read it many times, and I had even seriously thought about what it entails.
But now, I realize, not seriously. For when I came upon recently the weight carried in the words hit me full blown.
Notice, two of the verses specify the words "whatever you do." Now think about that. "Whatever you do" basically means everything you do.
Now don't just read those words, think about it.
Everything we do. Everything! is supposed to be for the glory of God.
That means when your alarm goes off early in the morning you have a choice: grumble and pull the sheet over your head and get up without a complaint to start your day with the reading of God's word: for the glory of God.
That means when you're picking out your outfit for the day, are you glorfying God with what you're wearing?
That means the breakfast you eat, if you eat it, are you eating healthy things to start your day right and edify your temple: for the glory of God?
That means every word that comes out of your mouth to your mother in the morning that you say doesn't really count cause your tired an grumpy. Is that glorifying God?
That means the friends you choose to hang out with and the words you say to them: If someone heard all of it would they say: Man! That person must have a really great relationship with God! Or would they call you a hypocrite?
It means when you gather with your friends unintentionally gossiping about that other girl that's so full of herself. Does tearing that girl down and (even if unintentionally) pointing out her faults glorify God? Well does it?
It means when you're so tired you fall on the couch to watch a movie and just vedge out with your ice-cream, coke, and popcorn. Are you edifying your temple? Are you glorifying God? Or are you wasting valuable time that could be spent reading your bible, eating healthy things, ministering to people, etc...
It means when you're hanging out with your boyfriend alone, are you glorifying God together?
I'm sure by now you get my point. And trust me, I am just at fault for many of the things as you are. And I don't mean to discourage you or make you think glorifying God is impossible. I'm just pointing out something God opened my eyes to as I sat on the computer wasting my time. Just a simple question: Am I glorifying God with what I'm doing right now?
Just ask yourself.
1 Corinthians 10:31 - So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 Peter 4:11 - If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
The other day I happened to stumble upon one of the verses by chance. I had heard it many times, I had read it many times, and I had even seriously thought about what it entails.
But now, I realize, not seriously. For when I came upon recently the weight carried in the words hit me full blown.
Notice, two of the verses specify the words "whatever you do." Now think about that. "Whatever you do" basically means everything you do.
Now don't just read those words, think about it.
Everything we do. Everything! is supposed to be for the glory of God.
That means when your alarm goes off early in the morning you have a choice: grumble and pull the sheet over your head and get up without a complaint to start your day with the reading of God's word: for the glory of God.
That means when you're picking out your outfit for the day, are you glorfying God with what you're wearing?
That means the breakfast you eat, if you eat it, are you eating healthy things to start your day right and edify your temple: for the glory of God?
That means every word that comes out of your mouth to your mother in the morning that you say doesn't really count cause your tired an grumpy. Is that glorifying God?
That means the friends you choose to hang out with and the words you say to them: If someone heard all of it would they say: Man! That person must have a really great relationship with God! Or would they call you a hypocrite?
It means when you gather with your friends unintentionally gossiping about that other girl that's so full of herself. Does tearing that girl down and (even if unintentionally) pointing out her faults glorify God? Well does it?
It means when you're so tired you fall on the couch to watch a movie and just vedge out with your ice-cream, coke, and popcorn. Are you edifying your temple? Are you glorifying God? Or are you wasting valuable time that could be spent reading your bible, eating healthy things, ministering to people, etc...
It means when you're hanging out with your boyfriend alone, are you glorifying God together?
I'm sure by now you get my point. And trust me, I am just at fault for many of the things as you are. And I don't mean to discourage you or make you think glorifying God is impossible. I'm just pointing out something God opened my eyes to as I sat on the computer wasting my time. Just a simple question: Am I glorifying God with what I'm doing right now?
Just ask yourself.
Monday, August 22, 2011
lessons
Maybe each time she fell for a guy and got her heart broken it was just another testimony of the awesome superiority of God to any earthly man. Maybe the perfect man she kept hoping for in the future wasn't really coming. Maybe he didn't exist. Maybe God was it. And maybe, that's all you ever really need.
Of course she could still find a guy that was just right for her and get married someday. But he wasn't going to be perfect.
She had to completely fill that void with God. Nothing else. Nothing else would ever satisfy.
A husband would be simply the icing on the cake. And you couldn't have that till you made the cake: till she fully delved into her relationship with God as the only thing that could sustain her. Until she learned how to put God first no matter what and rely on Him solely. Till she actually came to terms with the fact that God is better than any human. Better than any feelings of infatuation a human can cause, better than being in love, better than sex.
Till she had no other gods before Him. Then He would bless her with what she longed for. As long as she longed for Him more.
He is a jealous God.
Of course she could still find a guy that was just right for her and get married someday. But he wasn't going to be perfect.
She had to completely fill that void with God. Nothing else. Nothing else would ever satisfy.
A husband would be simply the icing on the cake. And you couldn't have that till you made the cake: till she fully delved into her relationship with God as the only thing that could sustain her. Until she learned how to put God first no matter what and rely on Him solely. Till she actually came to terms with the fact that God is better than any human. Better than any feelings of infatuation a human can cause, better than being in love, better than sex.
Till she had no other gods before Him. Then He would bless her with what she longed for. As long as she longed for Him more.
He is a jealous God.
A girl's mind.
My heart was beating faster than...well...I'm not quite sure. Faster than something that beats really really fast.
We were walking side by side and I had my arm down. Why was my arm down. That's dumb I never walk like that. It was just hanging there limply kinda flinging back and forth. I had never been so aware of my arm. I cast a quick glance at it hoping he wouldn't think I was looking at his side. That would be wierd.
Why did suddenly everything I was doing feel weird. I had never been so aware of every part of my body doing something awkward. I tried to picture what I looked like, but I was so nervous and self-conscious that the picture in my head turned out lookng more alien than human. I shuddered out the image and tried not to be so aware.
Then his arm accidentaly brushed mine.
A shock wave traveled through my entire body, centering itself low in my stomache. A deep comforatable yet queasy nervous feeling lasted for a few second and slowly died off. I struggled to gain control of myself. Certainly it wasn't rational to feel something so strongly after just having brushed elbows.
I wanted to smack myself but I figured that would look even more awkward than I already did. I was about to take a deep breath but quickly thought better of it. He might think that I was sighing and ask me what was wrong. And then I'd have to explain that I was just calming my nerves and well....that would also get awkward.
It was in the midst of all these over-thought-through thoughts that it happened. It all happened very fast but time slowed it down unbeareably slow.
I felt something touch my pinky finger, and then the next finger, and the next. I was shocked, confused, puzzled... and every other word for surprised. Then I realized...
He was trying to hold my hand. He started to grab it and the feeling I had felt earlier in my stomache multiplied itself by a thousand. A tremor ran through my body and immediately I snapped my hand back.
Wait, did I just snap my hand back? The tremor running through my body created a jerk reaction much like burning your hand on a stove. Except he was't a stove! He was just trying to hold my hand!
Aggggghhhhh!!!!
I couldn't apologize now. I couldn't just say,
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to jerk my hand away."
That would be too weird! Of course I meant to jerk my hand away! Wait.... I meant to jerk my hand away?
What?
I mean, subconsciously I must have. Something in me must have been saying to not led him hold your hand. It's too fast, he hasn't even said to you that he likes you yet. Let things play out as their supposed to. Make him wait a little bit.
I listened to this stream of sub-conscious thought play out loud and clear in my head for the first time. It made sense. ...In my head.
But then that other part of me, my heart I guess? Just said:
"That's stupid! You could have held his hand! For the first time in your life you could have held a boy's hand!! Idiot!! Why'd you jerk away??????
I wanted to smack myself again...or at least smack the logical part of myself that made me jerk away.
But then that logical side jumped right back and started giving me even more reasons backing up what I had done.
I wanted to tell both sides to just shut up and let me think. But then I realized that I had almost said it out loud...that would have been weirdest of all.
I immediately calmed all my thoughts for fear of doing something stupid and looked up. He wasn't at my side anymore. He had moved further up in the group.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid girl.
Now I'd driven him off.
Great.
Then suddenly a thought came to me.
Wait, he just tried to hold my hand...he wanted to hold my hand! My hand! He liked me!!! He really liked me!!!!
aaaaaahhhhhhh! :D
We were walking side by side and I had my arm down. Why was my arm down. That's dumb I never walk like that. It was just hanging there limply kinda flinging back and forth. I had never been so aware of my arm. I cast a quick glance at it hoping he wouldn't think I was looking at his side. That would be wierd.
Why did suddenly everything I was doing feel weird. I had never been so aware of every part of my body doing something awkward. I tried to picture what I looked like, but I was so nervous and self-conscious that the picture in my head turned out lookng more alien than human. I shuddered out the image and tried not to be so aware.
Then his arm accidentaly brushed mine.
A shock wave traveled through my entire body, centering itself low in my stomache. A deep comforatable yet queasy nervous feeling lasted for a few second and slowly died off. I struggled to gain control of myself. Certainly it wasn't rational to feel something so strongly after just having brushed elbows.
I wanted to smack myself but I figured that would look even more awkward than I already did. I was about to take a deep breath but quickly thought better of it. He might think that I was sighing and ask me what was wrong. And then I'd have to explain that I was just calming my nerves and well....that would also get awkward.
It was in the midst of all these over-thought-through thoughts that it happened. It all happened very fast but time slowed it down unbeareably slow.
I felt something touch my pinky finger, and then the next finger, and the next. I was shocked, confused, puzzled... and every other word for surprised. Then I realized...
He was trying to hold my hand. He started to grab it and the feeling I had felt earlier in my stomache multiplied itself by a thousand. A tremor ran through my body and immediately I snapped my hand back.
Wait, did I just snap my hand back? The tremor running through my body created a jerk reaction much like burning your hand on a stove. Except he was't a stove! He was just trying to hold my hand!
Aggggghhhhh!!!!
I couldn't apologize now. I couldn't just say,
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to jerk my hand away."
That would be too weird! Of course I meant to jerk my hand away! Wait.... I meant to jerk my hand away?
What?
I mean, subconsciously I must have. Something in me must have been saying to not led him hold your hand. It's too fast, he hasn't even said to you that he likes you yet. Let things play out as their supposed to. Make him wait a little bit.
I listened to this stream of sub-conscious thought play out loud and clear in my head for the first time. It made sense. ...In my head.
But then that other part of me, my heart I guess? Just said:
"That's stupid! You could have held his hand! For the first time in your life you could have held a boy's hand!! Idiot!! Why'd you jerk away??????
I wanted to smack myself again...or at least smack the logical part of myself that made me jerk away.
But then that logical side jumped right back and started giving me even more reasons backing up what I had done.
I wanted to tell both sides to just shut up and let me think. But then I realized that I had almost said it out loud...that would have been weirdest of all.
I immediately calmed all my thoughts for fear of doing something stupid and looked up. He wasn't at my side anymore. He had moved further up in the group.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid girl.
Now I'd driven him off.
Great.
Then suddenly a thought came to me.
Wait, he just tried to hold my hand...he wanted to hold my hand! My hand! He liked me!!! He really liked me!!!!
aaaaaahhhhhhh! :D
I've never actually seen a bunny-trail...
This morning as I sat doing school I thought of a thousand wonderful things to blog about. I picked out a particularly interesting subject and formulated all my thoughts on it, as well as what I planned to write on here.
I have now forgotten it all.
So I'm afraid you will be stuck with whatever pops into my head on this lovely day.
Number one being that it happens to be very hot outside. It's been a week in the one hundred temperatures with no rain. The bathroom door upstairs is stuck because of the cracking foundation. But all of this is really not that interesting...
So what is interesting? And do the interesting things really count? Or is what counts the simple things what we overlook?
I think too much.
I haven't been hungry in a long time... I mean, my stomache has been hungry. Trust me, it makes plenty of noise to tell me so. But the thought of food hasn't been enticing to me in a very long time. Oh sure I still eat alot, just I have no desire to stuff my face as I do. That's not normal.
In other news I still can't get him off my mind. At all. It's crazy how just one person can be so prevalent on your mind no matter what. And I mean, I'm moving on all right. I think I'm doing pretty good :) But I still can't stop thinking about him....any tips?
Anyway, today I started my very last first day of high-school. I feel like maybe I should be sad but I'm just excited. It's still sinking in that I'm finally a senior! I can't wait to graduate and go to college. It's seems like a fantastic new adventure, not to mention almost a way of starting over. Starting fresh. But I'm getting ahead of myself, I still have a year at home...not to mention the fact that I have absolutely no idea what school I'm going to lol
But all that was just boring ramblings you probably didn't want to hear anyway. So I guess I shall take my leave. I was hoping by just rambling down bunny trails I would think of the beautiful inspiring thought-provoking words I suddenly latched ahold of earlier, but they don't seem to want to come back. I suppose my brain was simply a temporary stop for them. Alighting in my presence and moving on. Perhaps they will reappear in another persons brain soon who will actually have the time to write them down. And then I shall look on and say, hey! I thought of that once too! :).
Ah well, perhaps, perhaps.
Anyway, ta ta for now dear ones, the only advice I leave you with is this: Try and keep God the one person on your mind always. As much as other human beings try and push their way in, keep God occupying that space. It's meant to be that way, it will work out better.
Farewell.
I have now forgotten it all.
So I'm afraid you will be stuck with whatever pops into my head on this lovely day.
Number one being that it happens to be very hot outside. It's been a week in the one hundred temperatures with no rain. The bathroom door upstairs is stuck because of the cracking foundation. But all of this is really not that interesting...
So what is interesting? And do the interesting things really count? Or is what counts the simple things what we overlook?
I think too much.
I haven't been hungry in a long time... I mean, my stomache has been hungry. Trust me, it makes plenty of noise to tell me so. But the thought of food hasn't been enticing to me in a very long time. Oh sure I still eat alot, just I have no desire to stuff my face as I do. That's not normal.
In other news I still can't get him off my mind. At all. It's crazy how just one person can be so prevalent on your mind no matter what. And I mean, I'm moving on all right. I think I'm doing pretty good :) But I still can't stop thinking about him....any tips?
Anyway, today I started my very last first day of high-school. I feel like maybe I should be sad but I'm just excited. It's still sinking in that I'm finally a senior! I can't wait to graduate and go to college. It's seems like a fantastic new adventure, not to mention almost a way of starting over. Starting fresh. But I'm getting ahead of myself, I still have a year at home...not to mention the fact that I have absolutely no idea what school I'm going to lol
But all that was just boring ramblings you probably didn't want to hear anyway. So I guess I shall take my leave. I was hoping by just rambling down bunny trails I would think of the beautiful inspiring thought-provoking words I suddenly latched ahold of earlier, but they don't seem to want to come back. I suppose my brain was simply a temporary stop for them. Alighting in my presence and moving on. Perhaps they will reappear in another persons brain soon who will actually have the time to write them down. And then I shall look on and say, hey! I thought of that once too! :).
Ah well, perhaps, perhaps.
Anyway, ta ta for now dear ones, the only advice I leave you with is this: Try and keep God the one person on your mind always. As much as other human beings try and push their way in, keep God occupying that space. It's meant to be that way, it will work out better.
Farewell.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Just a man and his dog.
Across the street and one house down there lives a very very old man, his wife, and his dog. They're somewhere between the ages of 95 and 100 I think. I'm not positive. But the old man still does all his own yard work, the old woman loves to have you over anytime to talk, and I don't think anything about them has changed at all since we've lived here. About 17 years or longer.
And everyday the old man and his dog (who, by the way, I think is about as old as the man) take a walk up and down the street and around the block. The man is old and bent over and withered. He walks slowly with an easy pace. The dog has a leash on, but the man doesn't use it. It just sort of slowly drags along behind on the ground as the dog slowly pads along after his master.
The man is always dressed in a pair of overalls and a plaid shirt. Always with a farmer's hat on top.
The dog's as fat as a cow and only as tall as a fire hydrant. He has black...or grey, and brown large spots covering his fur. He's always panting during the walk, but in a way it looks like he's smiling.
Just a man and his dog.
They don't just walk by everything. They often stop. Sometimes for the dog's frequent trips to relieve his bladder, sometimes to talk to a neigbor they happen to be passing, sometimes it's to watch workers slowly cut down an old tree.
They don't really have a distinct purpose in this walk. No getting from here to there. Not even, I don't think, for only the sake of getting exercise. I think they walk because that's what they do. What they've always done. I think they do it for the enjoyment of sniffing out what's going on in the neigborhood as well as just getting to spend quiet company enjoying eachothers presence.
Just a man and his dog.
Sometimes I like to watch them. I know it sounds creepy, but I often like to sit out quietly on my porch and watch the world pass by. It's times like these, where I sit alone with my thoughts, watching the man across the steet take care of his garden or walk his dog that I feel like I've been transported back in time. Back to a time where time wasn't everything. There was no rush, life wasn't run on what you had to do and how long you had to do it. When there was time for the simple pleasures of drinking a lemonade on the porch and saying hello as the neigbors walked past.
Sometimes I listen as my mom stops to talk to the mail-man about his surgery next week. She tells him she'll pray for him, and you know it's the truth. She will pray for him, she'll remind us all to pray for him. And we will, and we'll ask him later how it went. And notice which days he shows up for work.
Sometimes I watch with tears in my eyes when the new neigbors that just moved in cut down and old strong sturdy tree that provided shade for decades.
Sometimes I watch my other neigbor two houses down take her weekly walk with all her lovely foster children. She's a good foster parent, even as she gets older. They all love her. She even adopted a little girl she just couldn't give up. That little girl comes by every now and then. Selling fund-raisers or handing out her neigborhood newspaper she like to print.
Sometimes I wonder about the old artsy truck that just sits in front of another house across the street. It's put together almost like a puzzle: the parts all look as though they came from different places. All different colors. And still it has a timeless look as though it's going to out last every other car on the street. I wish to someday own that truck.
Sometimes I just lay in the grass in my front yard and look up at the sky. Especially when it's really hot and the sun is so bright you have to shut your eyes tight. Then all there is left to do is to feel, to smell, to listen. Pondering each sound, soaking in the rays, sniffing the warm grass, paying grateful attention to each passing breeze.
It's the simple pleasures of life. Those truly homey mmoments, those time machine moments. Going to the diner called norma's down the block all decorated from the 50's. Swinging in the back yard on the swing-set you've had since before you can remember. Saying hello to the next-door neigbors dogs as they bark at you undendingly in a perfect chorus. Chasing kittens to discover their secret hideout. Putting food out for the stray dog. Watching the cars pass up and down the street. Smiling when the same car passes twice watching the worried faces inside: obviously lost.
But really, it's in taking the time to notice these things that the true pleasure lies. Observing just the events in themselves would mean nothing had you not waited for them, and then slowly took your time pondering them. That's where the appreciation comes from. The enjoyment, the contentment, the discovering of the simple pleasures.
So I challenge you this week; if you have any time, even just a little, go sit outside on your front porch. Observe things, notice things, ponder things. Even take your bible out with you and just sit, read, smell, feel, ponder, wonder, enjoy.
And maybe, just maybe, you'll find out a little bit more about the tiny corner of the world you've been placed in.
Perhaps you'll even discover something you could pray for.
Just try it, and then tell me what you learned.
That's all I have to say. Farewell for now. :)
And everyday the old man and his dog (who, by the way, I think is about as old as the man) take a walk up and down the street and around the block. The man is old and bent over and withered. He walks slowly with an easy pace. The dog has a leash on, but the man doesn't use it. It just sort of slowly drags along behind on the ground as the dog slowly pads along after his master.
The man is always dressed in a pair of overalls and a plaid shirt. Always with a farmer's hat on top.
The dog's as fat as a cow and only as tall as a fire hydrant. He has black...or grey, and brown large spots covering his fur. He's always panting during the walk, but in a way it looks like he's smiling.
Just a man and his dog.
They don't just walk by everything. They often stop. Sometimes for the dog's frequent trips to relieve his bladder, sometimes to talk to a neigbor they happen to be passing, sometimes it's to watch workers slowly cut down an old tree.
They don't really have a distinct purpose in this walk. No getting from here to there. Not even, I don't think, for only the sake of getting exercise. I think they walk because that's what they do. What they've always done. I think they do it for the enjoyment of sniffing out what's going on in the neigborhood as well as just getting to spend quiet company enjoying eachothers presence.
Just a man and his dog.
Sometimes I like to watch them. I know it sounds creepy, but I often like to sit out quietly on my porch and watch the world pass by. It's times like these, where I sit alone with my thoughts, watching the man across the steet take care of his garden or walk his dog that I feel like I've been transported back in time. Back to a time where time wasn't everything. There was no rush, life wasn't run on what you had to do and how long you had to do it. When there was time for the simple pleasures of drinking a lemonade on the porch and saying hello as the neigbors walked past.
Sometimes I listen as my mom stops to talk to the mail-man about his surgery next week. She tells him she'll pray for him, and you know it's the truth. She will pray for him, she'll remind us all to pray for him. And we will, and we'll ask him later how it went. And notice which days he shows up for work.
Sometimes I watch with tears in my eyes when the new neigbors that just moved in cut down and old strong sturdy tree that provided shade for decades.
Sometimes I watch my other neigbor two houses down take her weekly walk with all her lovely foster children. She's a good foster parent, even as she gets older. They all love her. She even adopted a little girl she just couldn't give up. That little girl comes by every now and then. Selling fund-raisers or handing out her neigborhood newspaper she like to print.
Sometimes I wonder about the old artsy truck that just sits in front of another house across the street. It's put together almost like a puzzle: the parts all look as though they came from different places. All different colors. And still it has a timeless look as though it's going to out last every other car on the street. I wish to someday own that truck.
Sometimes I just lay in the grass in my front yard and look up at the sky. Especially when it's really hot and the sun is so bright you have to shut your eyes tight. Then all there is left to do is to feel, to smell, to listen. Pondering each sound, soaking in the rays, sniffing the warm grass, paying grateful attention to each passing breeze.
It's the simple pleasures of life. Those truly homey mmoments, those time machine moments. Going to the diner called norma's down the block all decorated from the 50's. Swinging in the back yard on the swing-set you've had since before you can remember. Saying hello to the next-door neigbors dogs as they bark at you undendingly in a perfect chorus. Chasing kittens to discover their secret hideout. Putting food out for the stray dog. Watching the cars pass up and down the street. Smiling when the same car passes twice watching the worried faces inside: obviously lost.
But really, it's in taking the time to notice these things that the true pleasure lies. Observing just the events in themselves would mean nothing had you not waited for them, and then slowly took your time pondering them. That's where the appreciation comes from. The enjoyment, the contentment, the discovering of the simple pleasures.
So I challenge you this week; if you have any time, even just a little, go sit outside on your front porch. Observe things, notice things, ponder things. Even take your bible out with you and just sit, read, smell, feel, ponder, wonder, enjoy.
And maybe, just maybe, you'll find out a little bit more about the tiny corner of the world you've been placed in.
Perhaps you'll even discover something you could pray for.
Just try it, and then tell me what you learned.
That's all I have to say. Farewell for now. :)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
A bi-polar and irresponsibley rash cinderella
I'm desperately inclined to do something rash today. And in efforts to reign myself in I figured a blog post could be considered an appropriate way to describe what I'm feeling while simultaniously getting my feelings out of my system...that is, provided nobody reads this. And to my knowledge, nobody does. So I consider this safe territory.
I'm inclined to rashness today for one reason. It's your last day here. You're leaving tomorrow. Leaving this city, leaving this state, leaving your friends, your family, and though I'm sure it's not prevalent on your mind, you're leaving me. Off to college you go sir. Starting a new life, a new chapter all your own where there won't be a single sign, a single mark, or a single thought of me anywhere in it. You're starting fresh.
And I'm stuck here.
I'm stuck in a world that seems to have ugly brown paint splotches screaming your name everywhere I turn. I revel to find one thing, one moment, where your name is not plastered over it. Reminding me of memories I don't want to remember. Hurting me. You get to move on, I get to wallow in misery. It reminds me of a song.
"I got time while you got freedom, cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even."
Now it's not all that bad I suppose. I do have my good days. The days where even though the reminders of you still lurk around every corner I can handle them. I can look on them without being totally depressed, or even on my best days, shrug them off completely. I have good times and I have bad times. This moment right now would probably be best described as a singularly bad time, if only because the reminders of you have now turned outward as well as inward. You're leaving, not only my heart now, but my world. You'll be completely gone...not that you practically weren't already. But even then I had the slightest possible hope that this time you might just show up, that this time I might get a fleeting glance. Maybe perchance a hello? My world used to balance on that slim chance.
Now it's completely gone.
You're completely gone.
Well tommorrow you will be...which would be the reason why today is inclining me to do something rash. A large part of me is desperately fighting to keep myself from grabbing the car keys, driving to your house without a license, banging on your door, falling at your feet and crying that I can't go on without you.
lol I know it sounds funny to read. Stupid, over-dramatic, cliche, over-emotional, silly and everything else... And I know I'd never actually do it but...
Something in my heart is still desperately pulling at me. I guess that's the funny thing about love (puppy-love though it may be) it makes you cling to the cliches. Things you would never have said before in your life because they sound so silly suddenly become the very best way to describe wht you're feeling. The dumbest lines in a poorly budgeted chick flick becomes the part of the movie that suddenly makes you bawl. Love, or whatever it is we fall into when we're young, surely does turn us into stupid creatures. lol
So that's where I'm at. Feeling stupid, over-emotional, clingy, and hopeless while at the same time feeling depressed, heart-achy, missing you to death, and rash.
I feel more bi-polar than a magnet. I probably am. Lately I've cried and laughed at the same time with equal intensity. I've hurted and healed equally in opposite directions. I honestly can't tell whether it's getting better with time or worse. Part of me feels like its healing while the other feels like it's dying.
But...perhaps that's just it. Perhaps when the part of my heart devoted to you has finally completely died of mistreatment and slow-torture, the rest of my heart will finally feel completely healed and whole. Living in a state of blissful ignorance of the pain that used to be there. Maybe a part of me has to die so that the rest can truly live. Maybe.
But before that part of me dies, I need to say some things. Things devoted to the boy will probably never read this...but if you do:
You're still the boy of my dreams...maybe in not so much that you're everything I dream that I want in the day-time. But that you still invade almost all my dreams at night. Whether I wish it so or not, you're still there. Everytime a different dream, but the same person: you.
I still wish you would come back. I'm all too ready to forgive and forget. Perhaps this is a bad thing? Probably...but as I'm in a rash mood of late most of me doesn't care. I still dream that maybe, in four months, or four years, you're going to show up at my door and tell me how you've tried, but you can't live without me.
I know it's probably not ever going to happen. But as I've stated I'm not very logical at the moment...
Yet, those aren't even the wildest ideas I've had. My biggest dream is that in the future, God is going to get a hold of your heart in a way like never before. And even though by that time you'll already have forgotten all about me, you're going to awaken in Christ in new and incredible ways. And then you'll be so on fire you'll be leading thousands upon thousands to Christ. And then of course you'll be invited to come back to our church to tell about how God is working in you. You'll graciously accept and I'll come just to hear you. You'll remember me in passing and say hi. An old smile will spread across my face and I'll say hi back. You'll ask how I've been, and slowly we'll rediscover the chemistry we once had. Except this time we'll do everything the right way, and God will be totally in favor of the whole thing. That is my wildest dream.
I must go now. I feel like the clock struck midnight a long time ago and my carraige has already turned into a pumpkin. I've said too much, and now I must flee. But I leave with you one glass slipper, and if you ever feel like finding me again, my foot will be the only one it fits.
I've always had tiny feet...
Adieu.
I'm inclined to rashness today for one reason. It's your last day here. You're leaving tomorrow. Leaving this city, leaving this state, leaving your friends, your family, and though I'm sure it's not prevalent on your mind, you're leaving me. Off to college you go sir. Starting a new life, a new chapter all your own where there won't be a single sign, a single mark, or a single thought of me anywhere in it. You're starting fresh.
And I'm stuck here.
I'm stuck in a world that seems to have ugly brown paint splotches screaming your name everywhere I turn. I revel to find one thing, one moment, where your name is not plastered over it. Reminding me of memories I don't want to remember. Hurting me. You get to move on, I get to wallow in misery. It reminds me of a song.
"I got time while you got freedom, cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even."
Now it's not all that bad I suppose. I do have my good days. The days where even though the reminders of you still lurk around every corner I can handle them. I can look on them without being totally depressed, or even on my best days, shrug them off completely. I have good times and I have bad times. This moment right now would probably be best described as a singularly bad time, if only because the reminders of you have now turned outward as well as inward. You're leaving, not only my heart now, but my world. You'll be completely gone...not that you practically weren't already. But even then I had the slightest possible hope that this time you might just show up, that this time I might get a fleeting glance. Maybe perchance a hello? My world used to balance on that slim chance.
Now it's completely gone.
You're completely gone.
Well tommorrow you will be...which would be the reason why today is inclining me to do something rash. A large part of me is desperately fighting to keep myself from grabbing the car keys, driving to your house without a license, banging on your door, falling at your feet and crying that I can't go on without you.
lol I know it sounds funny to read. Stupid, over-dramatic, cliche, over-emotional, silly and everything else... And I know I'd never actually do it but...
Something in my heart is still desperately pulling at me. I guess that's the funny thing about love (puppy-love though it may be) it makes you cling to the cliches. Things you would never have said before in your life because they sound so silly suddenly become the very best way to describe wht you're feeling. The dumbest lines in a poorly budgeted chick flick becomes the part of the movie that suddenly makes you bawl. Love, or whatever it is we fall into when we're young, surely does turn us into stupid creatures. lol
So that's where I'm at. Feeling stupid, over-emotional, clingy, and hopeless while at the same time feeling depressed, heart-achy, missing you to death, and rash.
I feel more bi-polar than a magnet. I probably am. Lately I've cried and laughed at the same time with equal intensity. I've hurted and healed equally in opposite directions. I honestly can't tell whether it's getting better with time or worse. Part of me feels like its healing while the other feels like it's dying.
But...perhaps that's just it. Perhaps when the part of my heart devoted to you has finally completely died of mistreatment and slow-torture, the rest of my heart will finally feel completely healed and whole. Living in a state of blissful ignorance of the pain that used to be there. Maybe a part of me has to die so that the rest can truly live. Maybe.
But before that part of me dies, I need to say some things. Things devoted to the boy will probably never read this...but if you do:
You're still the boy of my dreams...maybe in not so much that you're everything I dream that I want in the day-time. But that you still invade almost all my dreams at night. Whether I wish it so or not, you're still there. Everytime a different dream, but the same person: you.
I still wish you would come back. I'm all too ready to forgive and forget. Perhaps this is a bad thing? Probably...but as I'm in a rash mood of late most of me doesn't care. I still dream that maybe, in four months, or four years, you're going to show up at my door and tell me how you've tried, but you can't live without me.
I know it's probably not ever going to happen. But as I've stated I'm not very logical at the moment...
Yet, those aren't even the wildest ideas I've had. My biggest dream is that in the future, God is going to get a hold of your heart in a way like never before. And even though by that time you'll already have forgotten all about me, you're going to awaken in Christ in new and incredible ways. And then you'll be so on fire you'll be leading thousands upon thousands to Christ. And then of course you'll be invited to come back to our church to tell about how God is working in you. You'll graciously accept and I'll come just to hear you. You'll remember me in passing and say hi. An old smile will spread across my face and I'll say hi back. You'll ask how I've been, and slowly we'll rediscover the chemistry we once had. Except this time we'll do everything the right way, and God will be totally in favor of the whole thing. That is my wildest dream.
I must go now. I feel like the clock struck midnight a long time ago and my carraige has already turned into a pumpkin. I've said too much, and now I must flee. But I leave with you one glass slipper, and if you ever feel like finding me again, my foot will be the only one it fits.
I've always had tiny feet...
Adieu.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Your Hands
"I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands"
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands"
Friday, July 15, 2011
"The Race" by D. H. Groberg
"Quit, give up, you're beaten"
They shout at you and plead
"There's just too much against you
This time you can't succeed".
And as I start to hang my head
In front of failures face
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race
And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene
Or just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being
Childrens race, young boys
Young men, how I remember well
Excitement sure, but also fear
It wasn't hard to tell
They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race
Or tie for first, or if not that
At least take second place
The fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he could be the one
The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boys desire
And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought
"My dad will be so proud"
But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped
Trying hard to catch himself
With hands flew out to brace
And amid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face
But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said
"Get up and win the race"
He quickly rose, no damage done
Behind a bit that's all
And ran with all his night and mind
To make up for the fall
So anxious to restore himself
To catch up and to win
His mind went faster than his legs
He slipped and fell again
He wised then that he had quit before
With only one disgrace
"I'm hopeless as a runner now
I shouldn't try to race"
But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his fathers face
That steady look which said again
"Get up and win the race"
So up he jumped to try again
Ten yards behind the last
If I'm going to gain those yards he though
I've got to move real fast
Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten
But trying hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again
Defeat, he lay there silently
A tear dropped from his eye
There's no sense running anymore
Three strikes, I'm out, why try?
The will to rise had disappeared
All hope had fled away
So far behind so error prone
A loser all the way
"I've lost, so what", he thought
I'll live with my disgrace
But then he thought about his dad
Whom soon he'd have to face
"Get up" the echo sounded low
"Get up" and take your place
You were not meant for failure here
"Get up", and win the race
With borrowed will "Get up" it said
"You haven't lost at all"
For winning is no more than this
To rise each time you fall
So up he rose to run once more
And with a new commit
He resolved, that win or lose
At least he shouldn't quit
So far behind the others now
The most he'd ever been
Still he'd give it all he had
And run as though to win
Three times he'd fallen, stumbling
Three times he'd rose again
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end
They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place
Head high and proud and happy
No falling, no disgrace
But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line, last place
The crowd gave him the greater cheer
For finishing the race
And even though he came in last
With head bent low, unproud
You would have thought he'd won the race
To listen to the crowd
And to his dad he sadly said
"I didn't do too well"
"To me you won", his father said
"You rose each time you fell"
And when things seem dark and bleak
And difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my own race.
For all of life is like that race.
With ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win,
Is rise each time you fall.
“Quit! Give up, you’re beaten!”
They still shout in my face.
But another voice within me says:
“Get up and win the race!”
They shout at you and plead
"There's just too much against you
This time you can't succeed".
And as I start to hang my head
In front of failures face
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race
And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene
Or just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being
Childrens race, young boys
Young men, how I remember well
Excitement sure, but also fear
It wasn't hard to tell
They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race
Or tie for first, or if not that
At least take second place
The fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he could be the one
The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boys desire
And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought
"My dad will be so proud"
But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped
Trying hard to catch himself
With hands flew out to brace
And amid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face
But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said
"Get up and win the race"
He quickly rose, no damage done
Behind a bit that's all
And ran with all his night and mind
To make up for the fall
So anxious to restore himself
To catch up and to win
His mind went faster than his legs
He slipped and fell again
He wised then that he had quit before
With only one disgrace
"I'm hopeless as a runner now
I shouldn't try to race"
But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his fathers face
That steady look which said again
"Get up and win the race"
So up he jumped to try again
Ten yards behind the last
If I'm going to gain those yards he though
I've got to move real fast
Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten
But trying hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again
Defeat, he lay there silently
A tear dropped from his eye
There's no sense running anymore
Three strikes, I'm out, why try?
The will to rise had disappeared
All hope had fled away
So far behind so error prone
A loser all the way
"I've lost, so what", he thought
I'll live with my disgrace
But then he thought about his dad
Whom soon he'd have to face
"Get up" the echo sounded low
"Get up" and take your place
You were not meant for failure here
"Get up", and win the race
With borrowed will "Get up" it said
"You haven't lost at all"
For winning is no more than this
To rise each time you fall
So up he rose to run once more
And with a new commit
He resolved, that win or lose
At least he shouldn't quit
So far behind the others now
The most he'd ever been
Still he'd give it all he had
And run as though to win
Three times he'd fallen, stumbling
Three times he'd rose again
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end
They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place
Head high and proud and happy
No falling, no disgrace
But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line, last place
The crowd gave him the greater cheer
For finishing the race
And even though he came in last
With head bent low, unproud
You would have thought he'd won the race
To listen to the crowd
And to his dad he sadly said
"I didn't do too well"
"To me you won", his father said
"You rose each time you fell"
And when things seem dark and bleak
And difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my own race.
For all of life is like that race.
With ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win,
Is rise each time you fall.
“Quit! Give up, you’re beaten!”
They still shout in my face.
But another voice within me says:
“Get up and win the race!”
Monday, July 11, 2011
Head and Heart
Hey there y'all. How are you? I'm afraid I don't have many deep thoughts or words for you today, I just felt like I needed to talk...er type. So here I am. Typing away. Meaningless words on a meaningless page. Unless, of course, any of these words have ever served to bring hope to someone, to bring life, to bring joy, comfort, wisdom, inspiration, or in any way stimulate somebody's brain. Then it wouldn't have been a complete waste.
You see, I'm realizing something. I'm realizing that the world is not all about me. I mean, I've always known that. But there's a big difference between head-knowledge and our actions. Knowing and saying one thing, and yet doing another, even subconsciously. And I'm afraid I have struggled in this area. I'm the type that likes to say they know all the answers: like how I'm supposed to live, how I'm supposed to act, how I'm supposed to treat others, and how I'm supposed to handle certain situations, etc... But there comes a point when you have to sit there and look at yourself, really look at yourself. A point where you have to ask yourself: am I really living this out? Not just in "word and speech" but in "actions and in truth" as 1 John 3:18 says. Is everything you've always heard and known really who you are?
And a lot of the times for me, the answer is no.
I didn't realize this about myself till recently; but for a long time there was a disconnect between my head and my heart. What I knew up there and what I really felt and did deep down. I've often lived out my christianity and life based upon feelings instead of truth. And that is an incredibely dangerous thing to do. As Jeremaiah 17:9 says: "The heart is decietfully wicked above all things. Who can know it?" We can't live by our hearts. We can not let our emotions, feelings, and circumstances direct how we live. Never should we let something that happens around us, that affects our feelings, have any affect on our relationship with God or others. That is just immaturity and selfishness. Too often we blame our problems on God and when something good happens we call it "luck." Too often when we are having a rough time of things we shut down to everyone around us; neither helping them nor letting them help us. This all is simply selfishness that only serves to hurt us in the long run. For a person made of walls will never be able to let anyone in, nor will they be able to get themselves out.
You see, I went to a camp last week that changed my life. Now this isn't your normal run of the mill summer camp. This is an intense-learning-experience-truly-digging-into-the-things-of-God type camp. There were about 6+ hours of straight up teaching by different leaders every day. I believe there was something like 23 hours in all. And then added to that is worship times, quiet times, and different learning experiences throughout the week. I mean this camp was intense. The type of intenisity that I just love. :) But anyway, on the last night the speaker was teaching on the story of Elija and Elisha. And how when they first met, Elisha burned and cooked all his oxen before following Elija. Those oxen were his whole livlihood: everything he had to live on. And also everything he had to go back to if he decided to stop following Elija. The speaker went on to talk about if we are going to truly follow Christ with all of ourselves, we have to burn every part of our past life that is holding us back. Burn every sin that gets at us most, that calls us back out of Christ's arms. He then called everyone that wanted to up in a line at the front and gave us each a microphone in turn to say the thing, or several things, we were burning: for there is healing in confession among the body. Almost the whole camp went up to the front. It was amazing. Deliverence was rampant. We each lined up in turn and gave over our struggles to Jesus. Burned our past sins and gave up our lives to the will of our creator. It was beautiful. My life was changed. I realized the main thing that was holding me back. I'm not going to say it on here but it was a subconscious thing; a driving force in my life I didn't even consciously realize was there. And I took that thing, and I burned it. Right there, in front of everybody. There is no turning back. I have given it to Jesus, and I don't ever want to live that way again.
So anyway, sorry for the side-tracking-bunny-trail. I just had to get that out of my system. I feel like telling the whole world :) But anyway, my point. Here it is: I didn't feel anything when I burned it. Some people felt a weight being lifted off their backs etc... But I felt nothing, and here's why: God was showing me that this was not just some feel-good emotional camp high. Not just another thing that felt good in my heart. No, this was a conscious descision I was making to live differently. To give my struggles over to God and to not live the christian walk by "feelings" anymore. And I belive I have truly come away different. Truly changed. I have gained some precious wisdom that I shall keep for the rest of my life. I realize now that it doesn't matter what happens in my life: my dog dies, a close friend leaves, somebody breaks up with me, I feel depressed, hurt, abondoned, rejected, etc.. It doesn't matter! I am still alive to live for the glory of God and declare His praises all the days of my life. I am still here to fellowship with others and be a light to the world. I am still alive to love. To love God and people. And no circumstance or feeling can ever change that. I have a purpose in Christ. And no power, no principality, not even death can stop me now. I have God. And He is stronger even then the grave.
Amen.
So be it.
You see, I'm realizing something. I'm realizing that the world is not all about me. I mean, I've always known that. But there's a big difference between head-knowledge and our actions. Knowing and saying one thing, and yet doing another, even subconsciously. And I'm afraid I have struggled in this area. I'm the type that likes to say they know all the answers: like how I'm supposed to live, how I'm supposed to act, how I'm supposed to treat others, and how I'm supposed to handle certain situations, etc... But there comes a point when you have to sit there and look at yourself, really look at yourself. A point where you have to ask yourself: am I really living this out? Not just in "word and speech" but in "actions and in truth" as 1 John 3:18 says. Is everything you've always heard and known really who you are?
And a lot of the times for me, the answer is no.
I didn't realize this about myself till recently; but for a long time there was a disconnect between my head and my heart. What I knew up there and what I really felt and did deep down. I've often lived out my christianity and life based upon feelings instead of truth. And that is an incredibely dangerous thing to do. As Jeremaiah 17:9 says: "The heart is decietfully wicked above all things. Who can know it?" We can't live by our hearts. We can not let our emotions, feelings, and circumstances direct how we live. Never should we let something that happens around us, that affects our feelings, have any affect on our relationship with God or others. That is just immaturity and selfishness. Too often we blame our problems on God and when something good happens we call it "luck." Too often when we are having a rough time of things we shut down to everyone around us; neither helping them nor letting them help us. This all is simply selfishness that only serves to hurt us in the long run. For a person made of walls will never be able to let anyone in, nor will they be able to get themselves out.
You see, I went to a camp last week that changed my life. Now this isn't your normal run of the mill summer camp. This is an intense-learning-experience-truly-digging-into-the-things-of-God type camp. There were about 6+ hours of straight up teaching by different leaders every day. I believe there was something like 23 hours in all. And then added to that is worship times, quiet times, and different learning experiences throughout the week. I mean this camp was intense. The type of intenisity that I just love. :) But anyway, on the last night the speaker was teaching on the story of Elija and Elisha. And how when they first met, Elisha burned and cooked all his oxen before following Elija. Those oxen were his whole livlihood: everything he had to live on. And also everything he had to go back to if he decided to stop following Elija. The speaker went on to talk about if we are going to truly follow Christ with all of ourselves, we have to burn every part of our past life that is holding us back. Burn every sin that gets at us most, that calls us back out of Christ's arms. He then called everyone that wanted to up in a line at the front and gave us each a microphone in turn to say the thing, or several things, we were burning: for there is healing in confession among the body. Almost the whole camp went up to the front. It was amazing. Deliverence was rampant. We each lined up in turn and gave over our struggles to Jesus. Burned our past sins and gave up our lives to the will of our creator. It was beautiful. My life was changed. I realized the main thing that was holding me back. I'm not going to say it on here but it was a subconscious thing; a driving force in my life I didn't even consciously realize was there. And I took that thing, and I burned it. Right there, in front of everybody. There is no turning back. I have given it to Jesus, and I don't ever want to live that way again.
So anyway, sorry for the side-tracking-bunny-trail. I just had to get that out of my system. I feel like telling the whole world :) But anyway, my point. Here it is: I didn't feel anything when I burned it. Some people felt a weight being lifted off their backs etc... But I felt nothing, and here's why: God was showing me that this was not just some feel-good emotional camp high. Not just another thing that felt good in my heart. No, this was a conscious descision I was making to live differently. To give my struggles over to God and to not live the christian walk by "feelings" anymore. And I belive I have truly come away different. Truly changed. I have gained some precious wisdom that I shall keep for the rest of my life. I realize now that it doesn't matter what happens in my life: my dog dies, a close friend leaves, somebody breaks up with me, I feel depressed, hurt, abondoned, rejected, etc.. It doesn't matter! I am still alive to live for the glory of God and declare His praises all the days of my life. I am still here to fellowship with others and be a light to the world. I am still alive to love. To love God and people. And no circumstance or feeling can ever change that. I have a purpose in Christ. And no power, no principality, not even death can stop me now. I have God. And He is stronger even then the grave.
Amen.
So be it.
Lovesick
"I am lovesick for my Beloved
My Beloved and my Friend
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
Try as I may to chase another lover
I find there is, there is no other
For only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
And happy am I to live a hungry life
Blessed am I to thirst
Disillusionment
It is my gift within
I am blessed
I am blessed among men
To be lovesick for my beloved
My beloved and my friend
So very lovesick for my beloved
My beloved and my friend
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
Try as I may to chase another lover
I find there is, there is no other
All the other Lovers fade away
All the other Lovers fade away
All the other Lovers fade away
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
And happy am I to live a hungry life
Blessed am I to thirst
My desire for you
It is my gift within
I am blessed
I am blessed among men
This is the generation that's tried everything
This is the generation of Jacob
This is the generation that's done all those things
But only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
This is the generation
Looking for the face of God
This is the generation of Jacob
This is the generation
Searching for the face of God
And only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
"Lovesick" -Misty Edwards-
My Beloved and my Friend
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
Try as I may to chase another lover
I find there is, there is no other
For only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
And happy am I to live a hungry life
Blessed am I to thirst
Disillusionment
It is my gift within
I am blessed
I am blessed among men
To be lovesick for my beloved
My beloved and my friend
So very lovesick for my beloved
My beloved and my friend
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
Try as I may to chase another lover
I find there is, there is no other
All the other Lovers fade away
All the other Lovers fade away
All the other Lovers fade away
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
And happy am I to live a hungry life
Blessed am I to thirst
My desire for you
It is my gift within
I am blessed
I am blessed among men
This is the generation that's tried everything
This is the generation of Jacob
This is the generation that's done all those things
But only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
This is the generation
Looking for the face of God
This is the generation of Jacob
This is the generation
Searching for the face of God
And only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
We say, "Come!"
"Lovesick" -Misty Edwards-
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
there's always the perfect verse.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
And why are you so disquieted within me?
Hope in God:
For I shall yet praise Him,
who is the help of my countenance,
and my God."
Psalm 43:5
And why are you so disquieted within me?
Hope in God:
For I shall yet praise Him,
who is the help of my countenance,
and my God."
Psalm 43:5
Saturday, June 11, 2011
He who wipes away every tear...
There's nothing like a good hot shower after a good long cry.
Curled up in my closet with no light and only blankets and stuffed animals surrounding me. A few wet tissues are wadded in my hand. My face is sticky, my mouth tastes slimey, and my heart is full. Full of emotions both good and bad. Full of thoughts of how every human I've ever put my trust in has let me down, and yet also full of the knowledge that my Saviour, my God, will never let me down.
It's the type of mood I've been in for the majority of the past month or more. Oh of course I have my happy times; full of joy and pure gladness of heart. Pure moments of rejoicing at being the daughter and future bride of Christ.
Yet still, there's been an everpresent drepression seemingly waiting around every corner. It's a funny kind of depression though: almost coforatable. Just like how a slow cozy cry after a long hard day seems to be just what the doctor ordered.
I'll admit at times I do enjoy crying: it's familiar. Something I'm used to and comforatable with. The familiar ache in your heart that somehow reaches to your tear ducts. The warm feeling of letting your problems run down your face. The shining beauty of your eyes popping out from a red and white patterned face.
And yet, as much as this is familiar and comforting; I'm tired of it. I've been crying far too much lately. I feel like I'm twelve again, when hormones were raging and everything on earth made you either want to shout for joy or cry all day long.
It's not exactly the most enjoyable of feelings...
Oh sure, if you're a girl you can blame it on being the wrong time of the month...but at some point, you run out of that excuse; it becomes you just being "over emotional." So then you have to take up the point to hide your feelings.
Hence: crying alone in my closet; the best and worst feeling in the world. Total comfort, totally alone.
It's sure a good thing I have God to talk to in there, or else I'd be a goner: alone with no purpose and no reason to be alive. Not to mention no one who cared.
Ah well, the fact of the matter is, I do have God. He's with me, in the depths of the sea, in the mountain-tops, and alone in my dark closet. He's there, holding me, comforting me, giving me advice, and showing how He truly is the only one who will never let me down.
So yes, I may have been depressed for a while now. I may have been going through some major emotional roller coaster rides. I may have people letting me down every way I turn. But, I have God. I have the very person who created the cosmos in half a sentence who deeply cares about each of my petty needs. Who cares and takes the time to wipe every tear away. Who hears my pleas, and will answer them. He who is captivated by my eyes and loves every part of me with a passion. My fiance, He's in there with me. It doesn't matter what anyone says, or how badly anyone hurts me. God's got my heart.
Thank goodness.
Curled up in my closet with no light and only blankets and stuffed animals surrounding me. A few wet tissues are wadded in my hand. My face is sticky, my mouth tastes slimey, and my heart is full. Full of emotions both good and bad. Full of thoughts of how every human I've ever put my trust in has let me down, and yet also full of the knowledge that my Saviour, my God, will never let me down.
It's the type of mood I've been in for the majority of the past month or more. Oh of course I have my happy times; full of joy and pure gladness of heart. Pure moments of rejoicing at being the daughter and future bride of Christ.
Yet still, there's been an everpresent drepression seemingly waiting around every corner. It's a funny kind of depression though: almost coforatable. Just like how a slow cozy cry after a long hard day seems to be just what the doctor ordered.
I'll admit at times I do enjoy crying: it's familiar. Something I'm used to and comforatable with. The familiar ache in your heart that somehow reaches to your tear ducts. The warm feeling of letting your problems run down your face. The shining beauty of your eyes popping out from a red and white patterned face.
And yet, as much as this is familiar and comforting; I'm tired of it. I've been crying far too much lately. I feel like I'm twelve again, when hormones were raging and everything on earth made you either want to shout for joy or cry all day long.
It's not exactly the most enjoyable of feelings...
Oh sure, if you're a girl you can blame it on being the wrong time of the month...but at some point, you run out of that excuse; it becomes you just being "over emotional." So then you have to take up the point to hide your feelings.
Hence: crying alone in my closet; the best and worst feeling in the world. Total comfort, totally alone.
It's sure a good thing I have God to talk to in there, or else I'd be a goner: alone with no purpose and no reason to be alive. Not to mention no one who cared.
Ah well, the fact of the matter is, I do have God. He's with me, in the depths of the sea, in the mountain-tops, and alone in my dark closet. He's there, holding me, comforting me, giving me advice, and showing how He truly is the only one who will never let me down.
So yes, I may have been depressed for a while now. I may have been going through some major emotional roller coaster rides. I may have people letting me down every way I turn. But, I have God. I have the very person who created the cosmos in half a sentence who deeply cares about each of my petty needs. Who cares and takes the time to wipe every tear away. Who hears my pleas, and will answer them. He who is captivated by my eyes and loves every part of me with a passion. My fiance, He's in there with me. It doesn't matter what anyone says, or how badly anyone hurts me. God's got my heart.
Thank goodness.
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