"Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all..."
-Alfred, Lord Tennyson-

The battle has already been won.

there's always the perfect verse.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
And why are you so disquieted within me?
Hope in God:
For I shall yet praise Him,
who is the help of my countenance,
and my God."

Psalm 43:5

He who wipes away every tear...

There's nothing like a good hot shower after a good long cry.

Curled up in my closet with no light and only blankets and stuffed animals surrounding me. A few wet tissues are wadded in my hand. My face is sticky, my mouth tastes slimey, and my heart is full. Full of emotions both good and bad. Full of thoughts of how every human I've ever put my trust in has let me down, and yet also full of the knowledge that my Saviour, my God, will never let me down.

It's the type of mood I've been in for the majority of the past month or more. Oh of course I have my happy times; full of joy and pure gladness of heart. Pure moments of rejoicing at being the daughter and future bride of Christ.

Yet still, there's been an everpresent drepression seemingly waiting around every corner. It's a funny kind of depression though: almost coforatable. Just like how a slow cozy cry after a long hard day seems to be just what the doctor ordered.

I'll admit at times I do enjoy crying: it's familiar. Something I'm used to and comforatable with. The familiar ache in your heart that somehow reaches to your tear ducts. The warm feeling of letting your problems run down your face. The shining beauty of your eyes popping out from a red and white patterned face.

And yet, as much as this is familiar and comforting; I'm tired of it. I've been crying far too much lately. I feel like I'm twelve again, when hormones were raging and everything on earth made you either want to shout for joy or cry all day long.
It's not exactly the most enjoyable of feelings...

Oh sure, if you're a girl you can blame it on being the wrong time of the month...but at some point, you run out of that excuse; it becomes you just being "over emotional." So then you have to take up the point to hide your feelings.

Hence: crying alone in my closet; the best and worst feeling in the world. Total comfort, totally alone.

It's sure a good thing I have God to talk to in there, or else I'd be a goner: alone with no purpose and no reason to be alive. Not to mention no one who cared.

Ah well, the fact of the matter is, I do have God. He's with me, in the depths of the sea, in the mountain-tops, and alone in my dark closet. He's there, holding me, comforting me, giving me advice, and showing how He truly is the only one who will never let me down.

So yes, I may have been depressed for a while now. I may have been going through some major emotional roller coaster rides. I may have people letting me down every way I turn. But, I have God. I have the very person who created the cosmos in half a sentence who deeply cares about each of my petty needs. Who cares and takes the time to wipe every tear away. Who hears my pleas, and will answer them. He who is captivated by my eyes and loves every part of me with a passion. My fiance, He's in there with me. It doesn't matter what anyone says, or how badly anyone hurts me. God's got my heart.

Thank goodness.

I am 16 going on 17! ..Oh wait...not anymore...

So today is (drum-roll please) myyyy.......Birthday! Yaaay! Woot! Cheers! Fireworks! ...ok, well maybe not quite fireworks lol ;)

But anyway, it's true, today is officially the day in which I turn 17. Now 17 is not usually considered a milestone birthday, but I am, in this blogpost, going to point a couple of things that change.

For instance, were I to be arrested for something I would officially go to real big-people jail instead of Juv.

Also, as of today I can officially join the army.

And the city curfew does not apply to me anymore.

And last but not least, I can no longer officially sing the song: "I am 16 going on 17!"

So again, there's nothing too overly exciting about this birthday. I suppose I am more excited about the fact that I shall soon be a senior!!! Woot! Yay! Cheers!

Haha some interesting facts about my grade I am in would include:

We graduate in 2012 before the world is excpected to end. Hence: we're so important the world waits to end just so we can graduate! ;)

And two, what grade I am in progesses with the years, for instance, when I was in fifth grade, it was 2005, and when I was in eighth grade it was 2008. Cool huh?

Haha anyway, on the more serious side I'd like you to know that I view a birthday as a sort of new years resolution type time in my life. Now I know many people don't agree with the "new years resolution" type goals that are easily made and easily broken. But I've always viewed them as rather a time to take a closer look at my relationship with Christ and serious discuss with Him ways I can change for the better. How can I be more christ-like to others in my life? Type questions. And I also like to do this on my birthday. It's simply a time for me to sit down and say: how do I want to remember my 17th year of life. Do I want to remember fighting with my parents all the time and being rebelious? Or would I rather remember seriously pursueing the Lord in my relationships with others by being respectful, humble, sweet, encouraging, loving, and in terms of those in authority over me: obediant. Obviously the second choice. So yeah, I started this morning by studying my bible. And I want that to become a habit, not only reading it sometime during the day, but in the morning, starting out my day. I feel like when we start out our day listening to God and discoveringmore of Him, it changes our attitude for the remainer. Even if we had woken up on the wrong side of the bed and we feel predisposed to be cranky and mean that day, I feel if we discipline ourselves to crack open that bible and actually seek to hear what God has to say, it can change our entire outlook. So yeah, that's just one thing i've been thinking.

Also, I found this wonderful verse i'd like to make a goal for myself the other day. It goes something like this:

"3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."
1 Peter3:3-4

I feel as though this was written to me. I'm ashamed to admit I'll spend hours in front of the mirror trying on clothes and doing my hair to go somewhere, and then go and snap at my parents when they ask me to do something. God has been pointing this out to me lately and working on that place in my heart. I'm continually asking Him to change me to where I don't care so much about what clothes I'm wearing as about the attitude I'm wearing, for I know which one is more important.

Anyway, just some thoughts and birthday resolutions here for ya. Keep me accountable, kay? Haha thanks.

Much love,

17 year old Anna :)

Ought to be

"I love You more than a slow-falling summer rain.
More than a silence that only the snow leaves behind.
I love You more.

And I love You better than the gray of the autumn air.
Better than spring in its blooming against the sky.
I love You more.

It may not be red as the rose is yet.
It may not be strong as the old oak trees, but,
Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be.

Your love is steady and sure as the mountains high.
Moving my heart like a river that gently bends.
Your love is sure.

Your love is wide open spaces where I can run.
And yet, we're tangled up roots in the warm broken earth.
Yeah, our love is sure.

And it may not be clear as the morning yet.
It may not be wide as a restless sea, but,
Love given freely becomes what it ought to be.

It may not be clear as the morning yet.
It may not be wide as a restless sea.
And it may not be red as the roses yet.
It may not be strong as the old oak trees, but,

Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to and
Hearts given freely becomes what they ought to
Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be.
What it ought to be."

"Ought To Be" by Audrey Assad

I didn't exactly mean to write a poem....

Complacency is a most horrid distraction.

God help.

I feel like I'm stuck in a pit of sinking sand and I can't crawl my way back onto land.

I'm distracted by things I find more beautiful than You.
And I'm sadly mistaken, for You are You!

It's a fight to read my bible, to reach the voice in my head.
A fight I must not lose! But winning I dread...

It's easier to run, to revel in meaningless things.
To be a sluggard slumped in refuse, all while he cheerfully sings.

To care more about boys, movies, friends, and clothes.
To lose sight of the Majestic, in favor of those.

Poor, poor substitutes, entertainers of our hearts,
all the while You're calling, yearning for us to do our part.

To simply turn back to You. You can do the rest!
You seperate our sins, as far as the east is from the west.

We need just take the first step, you will carry us on from there,
we need only crack open that bible, or direct a word to Your ear.

We need only call, for You to be at our side.
You were there anyway, in silence, beside.

You'll hold our hand, lead us out of the dark.
Like a lover You'll whisper, Your comforting remarks.

You'll draw us nearer, into Your arms.
Our hearts will beat faster, giving into Your charms.

Our smiles will ignite, setting fire to Your heart.
You enjoy our presence, You love our every part.

We revel in You, Your majesty, beauty, and grace.
As You rejoice in our love! Your heart loves to see our face!

Now, as one, complete, in the fullness of our love.
We will walk off in the sunshine; the shulamite and beloved.