"You may feel alone as you're falling asleep: every time tears roll down your cheeks. But I know you're heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Someday you will be loved."

Things that I love.

Creativity Art Passion loving living excitement exuberance quiteness meekness shyness flamboyant colorful antique rainbow sunsets grass bright green old mansions old style shoes English people songs with meanings true talent balloons flying away heart-felt notes letters sent letters recieved long dresses medieval balls white dresses angle pure golden hair curls a-bouncing wreaths for you head entwined with flowers old pianos fresh sounds crickets singing grace abounds love peace tranquility freedom fresh smells natural smells woods at sunset smiles all around music soaring with a freedom sound picnics barns horses cats tigers lions wolves foxes white coats rain-boots the taste of the rain on your tongue food with intoxication aromas periwinkle rolling around in the grass full skirts twirling dancing running singing listening to a beautiful voice sparkling eyes good company long conversations all night long conversations deep thoughts running thoughts rambling thoughts haunting beautiful melodies true talent happiness joy soulful sorrow a books smell curling up window seats soft blankets cleanliness getting dirty paint splotches of it globs of it strokes of it smells of it chewing on paint-brushes the feeling of staring at a blank page waiting for you to creat something anything on it extensive vocabularies beautiful people brown eyes freckles hugs cartwheels barefoot puffy sleeves old bycicles custard spoons good friends flying racing laughing narnia aslan old trees tree forts ideas thoughts inspiration disheveled hair-buns dirt on your hands mud pies waves that look good enough to eat clear water sparkling water racing hearts giddiness giggles blank pages in a scetchbook good erasers the smell of a bible underlining things highlighters spotlights memorizing lines emotions feeling breathing soaking in the rays wind rushing waves roaring irish jigs celtic melodies rolling field towering mountains golden lighting chills down my spine a love that is mine.

Wishes.

Sometimes I wish I could just go by myself to a pretty, highly populated, park with a notebook and pen and just write stories about all the people I see. . .

Sometimes I wish I had a comforatable spot I could go to be completely alone, where no one could reach me. And where no one would get mad that they couldn't reach me.

Sometimes I wish God was physically in front of me so I could cry on His shoulder and curl up in His lap for real, tangibly.

Sometimes I wish I could fly.

Sometimes I wish I was invisible.

Sometimes I wish no one expected or demanded anything of me.

Sometimes I wish people actually liked me.

Sometimes I just wish I had a best friend. . . .



. . .



sometimes I wish you would come back for me.

Sometimes....there's a lot more going on behind people's eyes than most realize...

the eyes are the window to the soul.

Glorifying God.

Colossians 3:17 - And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

1 Corinthians 10:31 - So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

1 Peter 4:11 - If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

The other day I happened to stumble upon one of the verses by chance. I had heard it many times, I had read it many times, and I had even seriously thought about what it entails.

But now, I realize, not seriously. For when I came upon recently the weight carried in the words hit me full blown.
Notice, two of the verses specify the words "whatever you do." Now think about that. "Whatever you do" basically means everything you do.
Now don't just read those words, think about it.

Everything we do. Everything! is supposed to be for the glory of God.

That means when your alarm goes off early in the morning you have a choice: grumble and pull the sheet over your head and get up without a complaint to start your day with the reading of God's word: for the glory of God.

That means when you're picking out your outfit for the day, are you glorfying God with what you're wearing?

That means the breakfast you eat, if you eat it, are you eating healthy things to start your day right and edify your temple: for the glory of God?

That means every word that comes out of your mouth to your mother in the morning that you say doesn't really count cause your tired an grumpy. Is that glorifying God?

That means the friends you choose to hang out with and the words you say to them: If someone heard all of it would they say: Man! That person must have a really great relationship with God! Or would they call you a hypocrite?

It means when you gather with your friends unintentionally gossiping about that other girl that's so full of herself. Does tearing that girl down and (even if unintentionally) pointing out her faults glorify God? Well does it?

It means when you're so tired you fall on the couch to watch a movie and just vedge out with your ice-cream, coke, and popcorn. Are you edifying your temple? Are you glorifying God? Or are you wasting valuable time that could be spent reading your bible, eating healthy things, ministering to people, etc...

It means when you're hanging out with your boyfriend alone, are you glorifying God together?

I'm sure by now you get my point. And trust me, I am just at fault for many of the things as you are. And I don't mean to discourage you or make you think glorifying God is impossible. I'm just pointing out something God opened my eyes to as I sat on the computer wasting my time. Just a simple question: Am I glorifying God with what I'm doing right now?

Just ask yourself.

lessons

Maybe each time she fell for a guy and got her heart broken it was just another testimony of the awesome superiority of God to any earthly man. Maybe the perfect man she kept hoping for in the future wasn't really coming. Maybe he didn't exist. Maybe God was it. And maybe, that's all you ever really need.

Of course she could still find a guy that was just right for her and get married someday. But he wasn't going to be perfect.

She had to completely fill that void with God. Nothing else. Nothing else would ever satisfy.

A husband would be simply the icing on the cake. And you couldn't have that till you made the cake: till she fully delved into her relationship with God as the only thing that could sustain her. Until she learned how to put God first no matter what and rely on Him solely. Till she actually came to terms with the fact that God is better than any human. Better than any feelings of infatuation a human can cause, better than being in love, better than sex.

Till she had no other gods before Him. Then He would bless her with what she longed for. As long as she longed for Him more.

He is a jealous God.

A girl's mind.

My heart was beating faster than...well...I'm not quite sure. Faster than something that beats really really fast.

We were walking side by side and I had my arm down. Why was my arm down. That's dumb I never walk like that. It was just hanging there limply kinda flinging back and forth. I had never been so aware of my arm. I cast a quick glance at it hoping he wouldn't think I was looking at his side. That would be wierd.

Why did suddenly everything I was doing feel weird. I had never been so aware of every part of my body doing something awkward. I tried to picture what I looked like, but I was so nervous and self-conscious that the picture in my head turned out lookng more alien than human. I shuddered out the image and tried not to be so aware.

Then his arm accidentaly brushed mine.

A shock wave traveled through my entire body, centering itself low in my stomache. A deep comforatable yet queasy nervous feeling lasted for a few second and slowly died off. I struggled to gain control of myself. Certainly it wasn't rational to feel something so strongly after just having brushed elbows.

I wanted to smack myself but I figured that would look even more awkward than I already did. I was about to take a deep breath but quickly thought better of it. He might think that I was sighing and ask me what was wrong. And then I'd have to explain that I was just calming my nerves and well....that would also get awkward.

It was in the midst of all these over-thought-through thoughts that it happened. It all happened very fast but time slowed it down unbeareably slow.

I felt something touch my pinky finger, and then the next finger, and the next. I was shocked, confused, puzzled... and every other word for surprised. Then I realized...

He was trying to hold my hand. He started to grab it and the feeling I had felt earlier in my stomache multiplied itself by a thousand. A tremor ran through my body and immediately I snapped my hand back.

Wait, did I just snap my hand back? The tremor running through my body created a jerk reaction much like burning your hand on a stove. Except he was't a stove! He was just trying to hold my hand!

Aggggghhhhh!!!!

I couldn't apologize now. I couldn't just say,

"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to jerk my hand away."

That would be too weird! Of course I meant to jerk my hand away! Wait.... I meant to jerk my hand away?

What?

I mean, subconsciously I must have. Something in me must have been saying to not led him hold your hand. It's too fast, he hasn't even said to you that he likes you yet. Let things play out as their supposed to. Make him wait a little bit.

I listened to this stream of sub-conscious thought play out loud and clear in my head for the first time. It made sense. ...In my head.

But then that other part of me, my heart I guess? Just said:

"That's stupid! You could have held his hand! For the first time in your life you could have held a boy's hand!! Idiot!! Why'd you jerk away??????

I wanted to smack myself again...or at least smack the logical part of myself that made me jerk away.

But then that logical side jumped right back and started giving me even more reasons backing up what I had done.

I wanted to tell both sides to just shut up and let me think. But then I realized that I had almost said it out loud...that would have been weirdest of all.

I immediately calmed all my thoughts for fear of doing something stupid and looked up. He wasn't at my side anymore. He had moved further up in the group.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid girl.

Now I'd driven him off.

Great.

Then suddenly a thought came to me.

Wait, he just tried to hold my hand...he wanted to hold my hand! My hand! He liked me!!! He really liked me!!!!

aaaaaahhhhhhh! :D

I've never actually seen a bunny-trail...

This morning as I sat doing school I thought of a thousand wonderful things to blog about. I picked out a particularly interesting subject and formulated all my thoughts on it, as well as what I planned to write on here.

I have now forgotten it all.

So I'm afraid you will be stuck with whatever pops into my head on this lovely day.
Number one being that it happens to be very hot outside. It's been a week in the one hundred temperatures with no rain. The bathroom door upstairs is stuck because of the cracking foundation. But all of this is really not that interesting...

So what is interesting? And do the interesting things really count? Or is what counts the simple things what we overlook?

I think too much.

I haven't been hungry in a long time... I mean, my stomache has been hungry. Trust me, it makes plenty of noise to tell me so. But the thought of food hasn't been enticing to me in a very long time. Oh sure I still eat alot, just I have no desire to stuff my face as I do. That's not normal.

In other news I still can't get him off my mind. At all. It's crazy how just one person can be so prevalent on your mind no matter what. And I mean, I'm moving on all right. I think I'm doing pretty good :) But I still can't stop thinking about him....any tips?

Anyway, today I started my very last first day of high-school. I feel like maybe I should be sad but I'm just excited. It's still sinking in that I'm finally a senior! I can't wait to graduate and go to college. It's seems like a fantastic new adventure, not to mention almost a way of starting over. Starting fresh. But I'm getting ahead of myself, I still have a year at home...not to mention the fact that I have absolutely no idea what school I'm going to lol

But all that was just boring ramblings you probably didn't want to hear anyway. So I guess I shall take my leave. I was hoping by just rambling down bunny trails I would think of the beautiful inspiring thought-provoking words I suddenly latched ahold of earlier, but they don't seem to want to come back. I suppose my brain was simply a temporary stop for them. Alighting in my presence and moving on. Perhaps they will reappear in another persons brain soon who will actually have the time to write them down. And then I shall look on and say, hey! I thought of that once too! :).

Ah well, perhaps, perhaps.

Anyway, ta ta for now dear ones, the only advice I leave you with is this: Try and keep God the one person on your mind always. As much as other human beings try and push their way in, keep God occupying that space. It's meant to be that way, it will work out better.

Farewell.

Just a man and his dog.

Across the street and one house down there lives a very very old man, his wife, and his dog. They're somewhere between the ages of 95 and 100 I think. I'm not positive. But the old man still does all his own yard work, the old woman loves to have you over anytime to talk, and I don't think anything about them has changed at all since we've lived here. About 17 years or longer.

And everyday the old man and his dog (who, by the way, I think is about as old as the man) take a walk up and down the street and around the block. The man is old and bent over and withered. He walks slowly with an easy pace. The dog has a leash on, but the man doesn't use it. It just sort of slowly drags along behind on the ground as the dog slowly pads along after his master.

The man is always dressed in a pair of overalls and a plaid shirt. Always with a farmer's hat on top.

The dog's as fat as a cow and only as tall as a fire hydrant. He has black...or grey, and brown large spots covering his fur. He's always panting during the walk, but in a way it looks like he's smiling.

Just a man and his dog.

They don't just walk by everything. They often stop. Sometimes for the dog's frequent trips to relieve his bladder, sometimes to talk to a neigbor they happen to be passing, sometimes it's to watch workers slowly cut down an old tree.

They don't really have a distinct purpose in this walk. No getting from here to there. Not even, I don't think, for only the sake of getting exercise. I think they walk because that's what they do. What they've always done. I think they do it for the enjoyment of sniffing out what's going on in the neigborhood as well as just getting to spend quiet company enjoying eachothers presence.

Just a man and his dog.

Sometimes I like to watch them. I know it sounds creepy, but I often like to sit out quietly on my porch and watch the world pass by. It's times like these, where I sit alone with my thoughts, watching the man across the steet take care of his garden or walk his dog that I feel like I've been transported back in time. Back to a time where time wasn't everything. There was no rush, life wasn't run on what you had to do and how long you had to do it. When there was time for the simple pleasures of drinking a lemonade on the porch and saying hello as the neigbors walked past.

Sometimes I listen as my mom stops to talk to the mail-man about his surgery next week. She tells him she'll pray for him, and you know it's the truth. She will pray for him, she'll remind us all to pray for him. And we will, and we'll ask him later how it went. And notice which days he shows up for work.

Sometimes I watch with tears in my eyes when the new neigbors that just moved in cut down and old strong sturdy tree that provided shade for decades.

Sometimes I watch my other neigbor two houses down take her weekly walk with all her lovely foster children. She's a good foster parent, even as she gets older. They all love her. She even adopted a little girl she just couldn't give up. That little girl comes by every now and then. Selling fund-raisers or handing out her neigborhood newspaper she like to print.

Sometimes I wonder about the old artsy truck that just sits in front of another house across the street. It's put together almost like a puzzle: the parts all look as though they came from different places. All different colors. And still it has a timeless look as though it's going to out last every other car on the street. I wish to someday own that truck.

Sometimes I just lay in the grass in my front yard and look up at the sky. Especially when it's really hot and the sun is so bright you have to shut your eyes tight. Then all there is left to do is to feel, to smell, to listen. Pondering each sound, soaking in the rays, sniffing the warm grass, paying grateful attention to each passing breeze.

It's the simple pleasures of life. Those truly homey mmoments, those time machine moments. Going to the diner called norma's down the block all decorated from the 50's. Swinging in the back yard on the swing-set you've had since before you can remember. Saying hello to the next-door neigbors dogs as they bark at you undendingly in a perfect chorus. Chasing kittens to discover their secret hideout. Putting food out for the stray dog. Watching the cars pass up and down the street. Smiling when the same car passes twice watching the worried faces inside: obviously lost.

But really, it's in taking the time to notice these things that the true pleasure lies. Observing just the events in themselves would mean nothing had you not waited for them, and then slowly took your time pondering them. That's where the appreciation comes from. The enjoyment, the contentment, the discovering of the simple pleasures.

So I challenge you this week; if you have any time, even just a little, go sit outside on your front porch. Observe things, notice things, ponder things. Even take your bible out with you and just sit, read, smell, feel, ponder, wonder, enjoy.

And maybe, just maybe, you'll find out a little bit more about the tiny corner of the world you've been placed in.

Perhaps you'll even discover something you could pray for.

Just try it, and then tell me what you learned.

That's all I have to say. Farewell for now. :)

A bi-polar and irresponsibley rash cinderella

I'm desperately inclined to do something rash today. And in efforts to reign myself in I figured a blog post could be considered an appropriate way to describe what I'm feeling while simultaniously getting my feelings out of my system...that is, provided nobody reads this. And to my knowledge, nobody does. So I consider this safe territory.

I'm inclined to rashness today for one reason. It's your last day here. You're leaving tomorrow. Leaving this city, leaving this state, leaving your friends, your family, and though I'm sure it's not prevalent on your mind, you're leaving me. Off to college you go sir. Starting a new life, a new chapter all your own where there won't be a single sign, a single mark, or a single thought of me anywhere in it. You're starting fresh.

And I'm stuck here.

I'm stuck in a world that seems to have ugly brown paint splotches screaming your name everywhere I turn. I revel to find one thing, one moment, where your name is not plastered over it. Reminding me of memories I don't want to remember. Hurting me. You get to move on, I get to wallow in misery. It reminds me of a song.

"I got time while you got freedom, cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even."

Now it's not all that bad I suppose. I do have my good days. The days where even though the reminders of you still lurk around every corner I can handle them. I can look on them without being totally depressed, or even on my best days, shrug them off completely. I have good times and I have bad times. This moment right now would probably be best described as a singularly bad time, if only because the reminders of you have now turned outward as well as inward. You're leaving, not only my heart now, but my world. You'll be completely gone...not that you practically weren't already. But even then I had the slightest possible hope that this time you might just show up, that this time I might get a fleeting glance. Maybe perchance a hello? My world used to balance on that slim chance.

Now it's completely gone.

You're completely gone.

Well tommorrow you will be...which would be the reason why today is inclining me to do something rash. A large part of me is desperately fighting to keep myself from grabbing the car keys, driving to your house without a license, banging on your door, falling at your feet and crying that I can't go on without you.

lol I know it sounds funny to read. Stupid, over-dramatic, cliche, over-emotional, silly and everything else... And I know I'd never actually do it but...
Something in my heart is still desperately pulling at me. I guess that's the funny thing about love (puppy-love though it may be) it makes you cling to the cliches. Things you would never have said before in your life because they sound so silly suddenly become the very best way to describe wht you're feeling. The dumbest lines in a poorly budgeted chick flick becomes the part of the movie that suddenly makes you bawl. Love, or whatever it is we fall into when we're young, surely does turn us into stupid creatures. lol

So that's where I'm at. Feeling stupid, over-emotional, clingy, and hopeless while at the same time feeling depressed, heart-achy, missing you to death, and rash.

I feel more bi-polar than a magnet. I probably am. Lately I've cried and laughed at the same time with equal intensity. I've hurted and healed equally in opposite directions. I honestly can't tell whether it's getting better with time or worse. Part of me feels like its healing while the other feels like it's dying.
But...perhaps that's just it. Perhaps when the part of my heart devoted to you has finally completely died of mistreatment and slow-torture, the rest of my heart will finally feel completely healed and whole. Living in a state of blissful ignorance of the pain that used to be there. Maybe a part of me has to die so that the rest can truly live. Maybe.

But before that part of me dies, I need to say some things. Things devoted to the boy will probably never read this...but if you do:

You're still the boy of my dreams...maybe in not so much that you're everything I dream that I want in the day-time. But that you still invade almost all my dreams at night. Whether I wish it so or not, you're still there. Everytime a different dream, but the same person: you.

I still wish you would come back. I'm all too ready to forgive and forget. Perhaps this is a bad thing? Probably...but as I'm in a rash mood of late most of me doesn't care. I still dream that maybe, in four months, or four years, you're going to show up at my door and tell me how you've tried, but you can't live without me.
I know it's probably not ever going to happen. But as I've stated I'm not very logical at the moment...

Yet, those aren't even the wildest ideas I've had. My biggest dream is that in the future, God is going to get a hold of your heart in a way like never before. And even though by that time you'll already have forgotten all about me, you're going to awaken in Christ in new and incredible ways. And then you'll be so on fire you'll be leading thousands upon thousands to Christ. And then of course you'll be invited to come back to our church to tell about how God is working in you. You'll graciously accept and I'll come just to hear you. You'll remember me in passing and say hi. An old smile will spread across my face and I'll say hi back. You'll ask how I've been, and slowly we'll rediscover the chemistry we once had. Except this time we'll do everything the right way, and God will be totally in favor of the whole thing. That is my wildest dream.

I must go now. I feel like the clock struck midnight a long time ago and my carraige has already turned into a pumpkin. I've said too much, and now I must flee. But I leave with you one glass slipper, and if you ever feel like finding me again, my foot will be the only one it fits.

I've always had tiny feet...

Adieu.