Thoughts.Amillionmilesanhour.Enteratownrisk.

I'mexhausted.Awkwardsituationsarethebaneofmyexistence.Ifeelutterlystrange.Whatisthis?Ifeelawkwardandratherlikeahorribleperson.Ohwell,though,itdoesn'tmattercauseI
knowJesusstilllovesmeandisproudofme.Hehassomuchgraceforthemiserable
humanthatIam.IloveHimmorethanlife.Allmythoughtsandfeelingsarehappeningata
millionmilesanhourandIhavenocontroloverthem.Utterandcompleteexhaustion
follows.Ohandbtwgoodluckreadingthis.Sorrybutthisishowmythoughtsworklol.
Hehasanabsolutelygorgeoussmile.ButI'msupposedtobeenjoyingbeingsingle!Goodnessgraciousme,I'maconfusingchild.Therearenospaceshere.Therearenospaceshere.Didyoucatchthat?PerhapsI'mgoingcrazy.Well,thatwouldbeanawefulllybigadventureIsuppose...Jesus
lovesmethisIknowanditisthebestthingI'veeverknown.Iwillrestinthatthoughtno
matterhowawkwardanduncomforatableasituationIamputin.Nomatterhowbadthe
deviltriestomakemefeelaboutmyself.Iamlovedbytheking.TheEnd....Youprobably
couldn'treadanyofthis.Idoapologize.Haveagoodrestofyourdayfreefromthe
unendurablealmostimponderableexperienceofbeinginsidemyhead.Hissmile.Toomuchforwords.Mygoodness.Bye.Youcan'tcatchmenow.Iamofthewind.Tata.Goodbye.
Farewell.Caio.Cheerio.Adeiu.

"I keep waiting for the slightest sign
that you might miss what you left behind."

Saw this on a friends polyvore. Fell in love.

I have a thing for quotes...

Pouring out

Drained.

Physically and most definitely emotionally.

Not spiritually, however, I'm still high on my God. In fact, He's probably my only source of energy of late.

I'm just plain tired.I guess I get that way when I spend all day doing my best to pour out into others. Trying to be kind and affectionate in every possible way wears me out. It sure is a good thing I don't go to school everyday of the week. It's so much easier to focus on building up my mother for the day.

Anyway, just so you know, I'm most definitely not complaining. This is the ministry my God has given me for now and I will rejoice in be glad in it. For those who are faithful in little will be given much. And then, in turn, to those much is given, much is required.

If I want God to bless me someday with a big ministry to others through my dream job or whatever He picks, I have to learn how to function with much being required of me, now.

So I pour out. I have made it my mission, especially at my school, to reach out and pour into people as much as possible. My main goal is that people would walk away from a conversation with me feeling uplifted and better about themselves. That they would feel like there is someone that truly cares about how they're feeling, or how their day is going. Of course, although I can only have a deep relationship with a few, I still try to reach out and be friendly to everyone I come in contact with.

I probably fail at this. Every day I'm more aware of all the people I never get a chance to encourage. Of those ones standing in the corner. Of the ones who I don't know well enough to be comforatable going up to and randomely starting a conversation with.

But I also know it's not really about reaching out to every single person I see. I know I'd never be able to do that. The point is that I do not purposely exclude others. That I do not gossip about anyone behind their backs, that I set a good example for the younger ones, and that I uplift others with my conversation.

Now, I would never be able to do this at all were it not the Holy Spirit working in me. It's funny, you can basically tell which weeks I have been reading my bible more simply based off the fact of how I'm treating other people. The more I'm in tune with the spirit, the more His love shines through me. And the less the world is about me. Through the power of Holy Spirit, selfishness can be turned into selfless-ness.

So that's basically it, I'm dead tired cause I spent all day pouring out God's love onto others. But it's a good tired. It's a satisfied, I know God's proud of me-tired.
And let me tell you what, though it may be utterly exhausting, functioning in God's will is the most rewarding thing ever. He is continually pouring out His love and blessings onto you, when you, in return, pour them out to others. It's a nice little circle of love.

And that's the thing: human fatigue will only last a day or two. But perhaps, something said to someone else, showing God's love to them, may last in that persons mind for weeks, months, or maybe even years. That, in itself, is also an amazing reward.

Anyway, too much rambling on my soap-box for now, time to fly the coop. Ta ta.

Random quotes for your enjoyment...mostly because I found them enjoyable.

"The heart that is soonest awake to the flowers, is always the first to be touched by the thorns." ~Thomas Moore

"A man is himself, plus the books he reads." ~Samuel Parkes Cadman

"Poetry is something that should stir our emotion, or make us think new thoughts; whatever can do neither the one nor the other may be very good verse, but it is not poetry." ~Lafcadio Hearn

"What is a Poet? To whom does he address himself? And what language is to be expected from him? He is a man speaking to men: a man, it is true, endowed with more lively sensibility, more enthusiasm and tenderness, who has a greater knowledge of human nature, and a more comprehensive soul, than are supposed to be common among mankind; a man pleased with his own passions and volitions, and who rejoices more than other men in the spirit of life that is in him; delighting to contemplate similar volitions and passions as manifested in the goings-on of the Universe, and habitually impelled to create them where he does not find them." ~William Wordsworth

Following God, obeying God, seeking God, and dwelling in God feels good.

Like really really good.

Grace.

So many emotions.
Pent up.
No outlet.

It's so hard to hear Your voice
when my emotions are screaming.
Can't they just shut up?

It's all my fault I know
Bad choices.
Not listening.

I'd rather have fun
than be right with you
again.

And yet You say there's grace?
With all this blood on my hands?
You can wash me clean?
No way.
No chance.

I'm a sinner.
I'll always be.
And You have the gall
to expect more from me?!

I'm fallible!
I can't be good!
I can't be perfect
. . . as I should . . . as I wish I could . . .

Oh God save me.
I can't do this on my own.
Unstop my ears.
Take out the cotton.
Yell some sense into me.

God knows I need it.

I try so hard.
I think I'm good.
Only to realize
I've misunderstood.

I'm doing it on my own again.
Will I ever learn?
No.
So I give up.
Give in to my yearnings.

Then I realize that's not working.
Cause I feel worse and worse.
I'm not listening to you on purpose.
I blame it all on Adam's curse.

Blame blame
deflected from myself.
Isn't that how this all started
back in eden
way back when.

They made mistakes.
They passed the blame.
Tried to reap the joys
without the pain.

But it doesn't work.
History shows.
Heck, my own past
is full of those.

Failed attempts
To stifle my conscience.
When will I learn?

So here I am God.
Crawling back on my knees.
You're prodigal son.
Although You're probably sick of these . . .

Can I be Your slave?
Can I make it up somehow?
I was stupid, mislead.
I messed up again!

Is there anyway
You'll give me
just one more second chance?
I'll be Your lowliest servant
just take me back
from eating some pig's slop . . .

Oh please?

Wait, what's this?
A hug? A kiss?

You mean You still like me??
After all this???

How can You?
What grace!
Hardly possible.

Are You in Your right mind?
I've messed up
So bad.
So many times.

I'm arrogant, I'm greedy, I'm selfish, I'm vain. I'm attracted to evil and all my own gain. I'm mean, I'm hurtful, I'm too easily hurt. I pretend the world revolves around me. Inadvertently throwing You out. I let my emotions get the best of me. Pretty much every day. I'd rather watch television for hours, than listen to what You have to say. I view the world through "me" colored glasses. While the "God" ones sit on the shelf. I fight with my conscience day in and day out. I am a wreck of a wretch.

A mess of a human.

Another example of the sinful condition.

I'm just another problem for You to solve.

How could You then
welcome all that mess into You arms?

Where's the line?
When do you throw me out the door?
When do you refuse
and leave me in the cold?

I'm waiting.

I deserve that.

God, how long is this hug?!?

A party?!?!
For me?
For all this?
This mess that I am?

You're happy to have me back?
Lord, stop!
Those are Your most expensive foods!

Agck!
I don't deserve extravagance!
You're ring?
You're right hand seat?
You're coat?

You're Son?

Oh God no.

Not for me!

. . .

For me?

*I begin to cry . . . *

Me?

But...but I've let You down so so much . . .


"You were never holding Me up."

My creativity needs an outlet

I'm feeling inspired today.

But not to do any one thing.

Not to paint, to draw, to sing, to compose, to photograph, etc...

I'm not sure where this sudden burst of inspiration and creativity is coming from, nor where it wants to go.

Perhaps I need to write.

Just something. Any old thing. To get this pent up, bursting feeling to ooze out of my veins. Are you ready? I'm not sure what will happen here. I'm not sure if the course of my brain's flight will stop for the guidelines of spelling and grammar. I may forget I am even of this world. Words may become incoherent, smudgeing together like smooshed icing. It may be of a dream, or the state between waking and unconsciousness. Who knows? Here goes:

I am of the wind. For no one knows from whence it came nor where it goes. I am of fire. Of inset unqeunchable desires. I am of the clouds, floating along in a world to which I do not belong. I am of the depths of despair and the heights of living air. Air, breath, wind, blown, coursing into my lungs. Fresh air from the very lungs of Christ. That is what I am made of.

I am not the same as every other moving drone. I am not of this world any more than I am a frog. I have a deeper part to me than that of many on this earth. I have something more. I am something more. I am redeemed. Bought. Paid for. Spoken for. Loved. Favored. Wanted.

The world is my practice run, in death is the real thing. In death I shall come more alive than ever before. I can't wait.

Hope is in me. Joy is in me. Love is in me. I am whole.

Creativity drips from my tongue pouring out from the heavenly spring of the water of everlasting life. It is a gift showerd from above. My creativity, my artistic-ness, my passion, my gifts, my talents, my joy, my love, my fire. All there for a reason. I HAVE A REASON!

I have a purpose. I am a light. I shine. I sparkle. I am magical. Cause He made me that way.

Oh how the birds ever sing! Why then are we, whom He cares so much more for than mere birds, not ever singing? Praise to the One who gives songs. Who gives life, love, and joy.

Everything else is pointless. A barren, blackened field in which we sit, covered in dirt, desperately pretending there are beautiful things all around us because we refuse to look at the truly beautiful one. The one who created beauty.

And if we dare to, and finally realize all of our pretending, we shy away from the One. Because we are covered in dirt, and to stand next to such light would show how much we have been found wanting.

But He stands there, arms open wide, just like they were when He died and took on all the dirt we were ever covered with. He paid for us. He bought us. All. It's only logical, then, that He should want to reap the full reward of what He rightfully paid for. He wants us all, and He wants all of us.

He standing there holding out a bright new robe (that does amazing things for everybodies figure by the way) and a scrub-brush and some soap. He's beckoning us, saying He'll make us clean, He'll provide new attire. Inside and out. It may not be easy. Sometimes scrubbing off deep, ingrained dirt can hurt, but it's worth it. Then we get to stay locked in His embrace forever more!! What wonderful fun! To be in the arms of someone who loves you absolutely more than you could ever imagine, unconditionally, and forever, Forever! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What fun! What fun! God is fun! Jesus is fun! Lord knows the Holy Spirit is fun!! Who wouldn't want to be saved? Why the very word brings a sense of life. Of being found. I like being found. How 'bout you? Being lost sounds so dreary. Who'd want to stay permanently in that condition? Nosirree not for me.

Not for me.

I want to be wanted.